


Bottles and Splinters and Stickers

by Kickasschewbubblegum



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, And everyone else - Freeform, Angst, Daycare, Drug Abuse, Explicit Language, F/F, Jargon, Lack of Communication, Medical Inaccuracies, Mental Anguish, Military, Mumbo Jumbo - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Slow Burn, Veterans, and I mean slowwwww, but so does dina, ellie has some fucking issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 66,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27046489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kickasschewbubblegum/pseuds/Kickasschewbubblegum
Summary: It was always the same bullshit. It didn’t matter what city, what ghetto, what fucked up place you came from or crawled to, the meetings were the same rehearsed bullshit babble. No one cared, no one really cared, and no one could do anything to fix you. Either you relapsed or you lived your life with the constant itch under your skin to drink again. Just one sip, that led to a round that led to a bottle that led to your life spiraling down under. These people were living under a spell, a lie, an illusion that they’d get better.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 83
Kudos: 155





	1. Little Pictures

**Author's Note:**

> It is my first time on this website. Strap in for a long time and a hard time. This story deals with some nitty gritty stuff, stuff that needs to be further explored. If you have any question, praise, or hate, please let me know with a comment down below.

Really, she shouldn't be here.

It was all Andrew’s fault for having dragged her out to this shitty, dank, over crowded hall. People of all kinds mingled around the brightly lit room, clutching little red cups, intermittently sipping its contents and amicably chatting with each other, as if anyone actually gave a shit about how long they’d been clean or how their lives were starting to turn around. The chairs pushed to the beige bricked walls, a table of snacks and a huge punch bowl sitting flush against them. A clear divide had already been created between the new arrivals and those that had been dragged here by concerned loved ones or court ordered judges.

Ellie sat with the bedraggled. The flimsy little red cup crunching now and then when she squeezed it, beside her a man, Joey, if the name tag was correct, silently watching the crowd with her. He smelled like cigarettes, denim jeans worn at the knees from his constant picking, a huge polo swallowing his frame. “I can’t believe I’m here, in this fucking shithole. I’m missing work for this.” he muttered towards her. Ellie hummed in acknowledgment but kept her eyes on the floor where middle aged men and women smiled and chatted. All those red fucking cups, taunting her, trying and failing to make the room more inviting. It was as if they were trying to make the meeting a happy little get together with friends, but the cups and the streamers only reminded her of a highschool party seconds before getting trashed by drunk tennagers. She squeezed the cup again. “Like, why do they have to make this shit mandatory? I’ve already got that stupid fucking Gold coin, what more do they want?” he begrudged again, motioning to the room with his soot covered hands. Ellie spared him a glance, a frown on her face that conveyed she wanted him to leave her the fuck alone.

She’d come here and sat on the furthest corner of the room so that no one would talk to her, and this dude just waltzed right in and plopped his ass right next to her. She squeezed the cup again. Joey smoothed his hands on his pants, spreading the dark muck on the washed out denim. “Stupid fucking judge. It was a one time thing, y’know?” He leans over and reads the tag on Ellie’s flannel, “Ellie. Y’know, that was my niece’s name.” He leans back on his chair and goes back to picking at the material of his jeans. “She was a good girl” He solemnly mutters and Ellie finally looks at his eyes. Deep set and tired, a dusting of hair on his chin and unkempt blond hair hidden behind a dark gray cap. She squeezes the cup again and hears the plastic break under her hand.

“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending another great meeting.” Suddenly booms Hank, the large southern man in charge of the whole affair. The attendees politely clap and Ellie throws the broken cup towards the trash can by the double doors. “As y’all are aware, we meet monthly to provide coins to the members staying on track the program, and this month ain’t no different.” He smiles at the crowd that had started to form around him. People of all walks of life, connected by one vice. “If y’all would be kind as to help set the chairs so that we can commence the awards.” People shuffle around, the young with tucked polos moving folding chairs into the middle of the floor. Ellie stays put. They didn’t need any help. Jackson was a small town and only about twelve people ever attended the godforsaken meetings anyway.

After the chairs had been arranged Hank stood on the makeshift podium and glanced around the room, his brown eyes landing on the two loitering in the back, “If everyone could come sit in the rows that’d be great.” A smile tugging at his round face. Ellie grunted and shuffled over to one of the chairs in the back, her hands shoved deeply in her pockets, Joey followed, muttering curses under his breath. Hank slapped his hands on his poorly tailored suit and grinned at the people before him. “Thank y’all for comin’, this program means so much to the people..” Ellie tuned him out.

It was always the same bullshit. It didn’t matter what city, what ghetto, what fucked up place you came from or crawled to, the meetings were the same rehearsed bullshit babble. No one cared, no one really cared, and no one could do anything to fix you. Either you relapsed or you lived your life with the constant itch under your skin to drink again. Just one sip, that led to a round that led to a bottle that led to your life spiraling down under. These people were living under a spell, a lie, an illusion that they’d get better.

Names were called and people walked up and received little colored coins, everyone clapping and congratulating them. Soon, Hank was speaking again, “Today, not only have coins been given, but we’ve got a new face.” At that people turned in their chairs and stared at Ellie. Her skin prickled at the burning attention. “If you could please stand up and tell us a little about yourself.” She glanced around, and clenched her hands into fists before reluctantly standing up.

“Uh, my name’s Ellie…” She trailed off, looking at all the faces expecting her to reveal herself, her life, who she was, anything more than just a face and a name. Fuck them. Fuck them and fuck Joel and fuck Andrew and fuck anyone that thought this was a good idea. Hank sensed her unease, “Ellie, what do you do?” It was open ended, intended to let her maneuver around the question. She thought about it. What did she do? Nothing good. “Uh, I just came out of the Corps.” She shrugged and hoped that would satiate Hank and all the people still looking at her. Hank beamed at her and wiped his sweaty brow with pudgy fingers, “Oh, I was in the Army and Pascal over there was in the Navy.” She nodded at Pascal who gave her a nod and sat down.

Hank was going over the twelve step program again when she received a text from Joel. He was asking how she was holding up, She muted her phone and shoved it back in her pocket. Before long the meeting was over and a sweaty Hank walked over to her, two red cups in his hands. He handed her one and sipped from his. “I know it’s a little unorthodox to have your first day be at a coin ceremony but I hope you can keep coming. Andrew told me I’d be having a new member come around.” Ellie sloshed the drink around, it was a pale orange, reminiscent of apple juice. Or an earthy whiskey. She squeezed the cup and gulped. “You’re coming back, right?” He asked when her silence dragged on. “I don’t know.” She responded honestly. Andrew was adamant for her to go to these things, even when they lived in Boston, he forced her to go to a meeting at least every week. That didn’t work out too well.

Hank smiled at her nonetheless and pulled out a notepad from his suit pocket, “Well, if you change your mind, Amanda and I are here Monday through Friday.” He scribbled on the pad with a silver pen and handed her the little yellow page. “Holler if you need anything, y’hear?” and with that he was gone. Ellie looked at the paper and balled it up, throwing it in the bin before heading out into the winter night. She’d left her coat back at Joel’s and was starting to regret the decision as she walked through the emptying streets of Jackson. Snow was falling in gentle swirls as snow crunched under her converse. She was also starting to regret not bringing better footwear. At the stop sign she looked around and pulled out a cigarette and her phone, hitting call on the picture of Andrew, wearing dress blues and sunglasses. “Hey, dickhead, I’m freezing my ass off, where are you?” He was supposed to pick her up after the meeting and take her back to Joel’s. “Hello to you too, asshole. I’m running a little late, boss man wants me to get this Sedan out of the shop before we close down.” Ellie huffed and lit the cigarette. “I don’t give a fuck, you told me you’d be here.” The snow was falling a little more steadily now. She heard Andrew slam the hood of a car down, “Ellie, you’re a big girl, just go into some fucking shop and wait for me there, won’t be more than half an hour.” She puffs the smoke out, careful to keep the end of the cigarette from snuffing out with the snow. “Fine, but if something happens to me it’s on you.” He laughs on the other end, “You act as if we both didn’t do pugil pits.” She grimaces at the memory. “Ok, talk to you later, don’t want to get fired.” And he hangs up.

Most shops around town were already closing, some already had the lights off. Ellie walked around until she saw a convenience store, an ancient gas pump flickering, the fluorescent lights burning but promising warmth. 

As she stepped in, a bell chiming overhead, a lump by the counter raised their head. A boy, greasy faced and pimple riddled, staring at her with wide and tired eyes. She threw the cigarette butt out the door and went to the snack aisle. She hadn’t eaten anything yet and regretted not having stuffed her pockets with the free food at the meeting.

She’d been eyeing the chip bags for a while now. Most off brand. Cheetos or ‘Chancy Puffs’, Munchies or ‘Hungries’, Lay’s or ‘Pressed ‘Taters’? What the fuck was up with this town. A bag of ‘Hungries’ and Cheetos were cradled to her arm when she noticed a car pull up to the pump and a frazzled woman came jogging to the store.

The first thing Ellie noticed was just how pretty she was. Red faced and all, hair framing her face from her loose ponytail. She was wearing a winter jacket with a maroon blouse underneath, a bag hanging from one shoulder. “Steven, I need twenty on the pump and, like, a jack or something.” She thought for a second, stopping her frantic search through her bag, before adding, meekly “Do you by chance know how to change a tire?” The greasy kid took the twenty and punched something into the register. “Uh, no?” The girl huffed frustratedly and finally noticed the other person in the store. Ellie gave her a hard stare and motioned to the counter, “You know I was in line, right?” The girl frowned and looked around the store. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see your stuff on the counter.” 

Oh, the nerve on this girl.

Ellie frowned in turn and dropped her bags on the counter, “Maybe they would have been on the counter if you hadn’t come bursting through the door like a psycho, completely cutting me off.” At this the girl huffed again and motioned around with her arm, in exasperation, “Maybe you should be a little quicker putting your stuff down!” Steven cleared his throat and handed the woman her receipt, “Uh, Dina, we, uh, have a jack in the back.” The woman looked at him and he took the hint to go get it. “Great, now I have to call the damn mechanic.” Once again her hands went into the bag. “Yeah, good luck with that. They close in, like, five minutes.” Dina threw her hands up again and groaned even louder. Ellie had to hide a smile, the whole ordeal tickling her funny bone. Petulant pretty girl gets her night ruined after cutting off local woman trying to buy snacks. It sounded pretty funny in her head. 

Steven came back, struggling with the jack, and slammed it on the counter, knocking over a stack of ‘Male Invigoration’ pills. “Here you go Dina, just bring it back.” Dina groaned again and took the jack with a stomp in her step. Ellie handed the kid the snacks and watched him make change, “Who is she?” Ellie couldn’t help but ask. Already her flustered and hurried and rude behaviour had peaked her interest, but, like, she didn’t care too much. She just wanted to know who this line-cutting girl was. “Oh, that’s Dina. Everyone knows Dina, she works at the electronic’s store on Main street.” Steven handed her her change and she stepped back into the cold. Andrew was yet to call her and she was hoping she could go back to the town hall and wait for him there. 

Dina was crouched next to an old Hyundai Excel, the car leaning onto its right side. Even from over the building Ellie could hear her curses and the slapping of the jack as Dina fiddled with the lever. Ellie scoffed and moved along. She wasn’t about to help that jerk. 

Just as she reached the sidewalk, her consciousness got the better of her and she turned to look at Dina. She was on her knees now, banging her head into the passenger door, a tire sitting next to her, the snow falling over the black of the rubber.

Ellie lumbered over to her, cursing herself under her breath.

“Look, I’ll help you with the tire.” Ellie said as she walked up to the woman, her hand in her pocket, the other twirling the plastic back with the snacks, a ‘Have a great day’ in comic sans inked on the plastic. Dina looked up from the door, a red welt from the metallic door on her forehead. Her brows were high, causing a cute wrinkle on her forehead. “Oh, really? Not going to lecture me some more about convenience store etiquette?” Ellie gave her a terse smile, “If I remember correctly, I wasn’t the asshole.” Dina finally gets up and brushes the snow from her knees. “I guess I don’t really have much of a choice.” Ellie raises a brow at her “You have a way with accepting help” Dina only smiles at her, warm and sweet and cute, but most importantly, genuine. “You have no idea.” 

Ellie puts her bag down and picks up the jack, the cold metal burning her hands and making the nubs on her fingers tingle. “Look, just put the jack under the jack point, this flat piece of metal under your car, and turn the lever.” Ellie explains as she gets up from the ground, twisting the metal bar, “Make it like six inches.” Dina nods at all of this, paying rapt attention and staring at Ellie as if she were some guru telling her the meaning of life. “You should have a tire iron in the back of your car.” Ellie ends up explaining the process to Dina while she makes snide remarks alongside actual questions. Dina stands next to her after they pack the busted tire in the trunk. “Look, I want to say I’m sorry about what happened back at the store. I was an asshole and in a rush to get back home, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.” Her feet shuffle around the snow as she turns to look at Ellie. Her breath puffs up into the atmosphere, pink tongue licking at red lips. Ellie coughs and looks to the ground, kicking at the snow. “Yeah, you were kind of an asshole.” Dina laughs and pushes at her shoulder gently, “You have a way with accepting an apology.” Ellie hums in acknowledgment. “I also wanted to say thank you. Not many people help a stranger change a tire in the middle of the night, especially one that cuts them off at a 7/11.” Ellie shrugs and looks up at Dina, face red from the cold, winter jacket swallowing her small frame. “My name is Dina, by the way.” She sticks her hand out from the jacket and thrusts it out in between them. Ellie shakes it, reveling in the warmth and not in its shape or the way it feels so much smaller and softer in her own. “Ellie.” She says in turn. A phone rings and Dina’s smile falls as she looks for the offending item. “Yeah, I know. Yes...I’ll be there soon, the freaking tire popped. No, I don’t need your help. I got it covered. Jesus Christ, Jesse. Bye.” She huffs and hangs up, looking at Ellie once more. “Hey, Ellie, I gotta go. Again, thank you for helping me fix the tire.” Ellie nods along and steps away as Dina climbs into the gray Excel. “I wouldn’t say ‘helped’, really.” Dina laughs again and pokes her head out the window, “You really are an asshole, I completely retract my apology from before.” She turns the car on and pauses before taking off “I hope to see you around again.” Ellie gives her a small smile and shakes her head “Well, I hope I don’t.” Dina flashes her another one of those stunning smiles and pulls off into the illuminated streets.

\---

“Hey, where are you right now?” It was Andrew. Ellie groaned and turned down the TV. She’d been having a fine time just smoking and eating left over chilli in her shed turned home. “I’m at Joel’s, where else am I supposed to be?” She got up from the couch and kicked at the bottles around her feet. Beer and whiskey and Vodka and whatever burned when it went down her throat. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Ellie, it has been a week, I even reminded you yesterday.” She kicked an empty can and slammed the bowl on the small kitchen table, “I’m not some fucking mind reader, what is it?” Already her mornin- a quick glance at the clock- afternoon was being ruined by Andrew shouting at her and accusing her of crap she couldn’t remember. “We talked about it, you idiot.” Why couldn’t he be straight forward for once in his goddamn life? “Just fucking tell! You’re pissing me off Andrew!” There was a silence on the other line and Ellie worried he’d hung up on her. “You’ve been drinking again.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. She rubbed at her tired eyes, the remnants of a headache starting to flare up again. The silence continued and Ellie contemplated on hanging up. “You told me that you would-” “Just tell me why you called.” She moved around the table and around the moving boxes that were yet to be unpacked into the small restroom. Andrew sighed, a sound that Ellie seemed to be eliciting from him more and more. “You were supposed to go to your AA meeting today, Ellie. We had talked about you going every Thursday.” Ellie stared at herself in the mirror, tired eyes staring back at her. Unrecognizable. She couldn’t stand looking at herself anymore.

She sighed, not being able to hold her own gaze any longer. “Fuck, I forgot.” And even if she hadn’t, she probably wouldn’t have gone anyway. It didn’t do her any good in Boston, it wasn’t going to do her any good in Jackson. “Well, I’m your sponsor and you need to go to these meetings. You’re going next week.” And with that he hung up.

By the time she’d dressed there was a knock on her door. She opened the door to see Joel standing there, holding a small brown package held together with twine. He cleared his throat and motioned for the inside of the building. Ellie moved from the doorway and allowed him in, his heavy footsteps thumping on the planks and then the muffled carpet. “I, uh, wanted to check up on you.” He said as he awkwardly stood in the middle of the room. Ellie watched him look around the room, noting the bottles and strewn clothes. Joel didn’t fully know the extent of her issues, and she didn’t really want to let him know what a fuck up she’d become. Not after all they’d been through.

He was all she had left.

Ellie moved over to the couch and sat down, propping socked feet on the coffee table. “I’m fine.” Joel nodded at that and went to sit on the other end of the couch, but not before silently asking Ellie if it was ok. She nodded and he groaned as he sat down, “Oh, Lord, I’m getting mighty old.” Ellie watched as he rubbed at his lower back. Her old man was getting old. Joel kept looking forward, his eyes roaming the walls with posters and shelves that contained things that Ellie once cared about. “Esther came by this mornin’ and dropped off some pecan pie.” Ellie nodded and fiddled with her fingers, thumb going over the jagged, poorly healed nubs. Joel cleared his throat again, “I got the DVD player to work again.” He seemed to ponder something in his head, fingers rhythmically tapping on the package “And I found the Jurassic Park disc again.”

“That’s nice, I guess.” 

“Ellie, I’m tryin’ here. Throw your old man a bone.” He muttered with a frown.

Ellie sighed and rubbed her tired eyes. Things had become so awkward ever since she’d come back. At first she’d thought Joel would’ve understood, but things were just terse and quiet. Noncommittal and stoic. They never talked anymore, everything was just shoved under the carpet and forgotten. But. She had to try.

If not for herself, at least for him.

“Yeah, ok. Let’s go watch that stupid movie again.” That elicited a small smile from Joel. “Don’t act as if you don’t love that movie as much as I do.” He tapped the parcel again and reached out a heavy hand to stop Ellie from getting up, “Actually, I have something for you.” He handed her the package. It was heavy and sturdy. Ellie raised a brow at him, but he only motioned for her to open it. Slowly she untied the twine and ripped the brown paper apart. It was a framed picture.

Her fingers smoothed over the mahogany frame and thick glass, underneath an old picture she’d thought long lost. Joel smiling wide, a heavy arm thrown over Ellie’s shoulder, her face twisted into a playful pout, her hands clutching her utility cover while Tommy ruffled her hair. They’d taken the picture four years ago, when she was a naive teenager, eager to be more like Joel and Tommy. 

She didn’t know what to say.

She put the frame on her night table, careful to hide the mess of baggies and needles. Joel wasn’t paying much attention. She’d have to do a deep clean of her room if she was planning on having Andrew or Joel burst in all the time.

“Let’s go.”


	2. The Den

Dina was running late. Like, major late. Late enough that Eugene would be on her ass and have her working front desk all day instead of back room inventory late. Late enough that Jenny the crossing guard gave her a pitiful smile as the kids crossed the street.

“C’mon, hurry the fuck up you little babies.” She muttered as she watched the little tots waddle with backpacks as big as their bodies. They reminded her of little upright turtles. The urge to honk was strong, but her common decency was stronger.

When the last kid ran to the other end of the street and Jenny finally motioned for the traffic to continue, Dina stepped on the pedal and sped through the icy streets.

In retrospect she knew it was a bad idea, especially since reckless driving was the reason that her tire had popped the other night. She still couldn’t get her mind off of that woman, Ellie. Initially she thought perhaps she’d imagined the whole thing, it had been the middle of the night and she had been sleep deprived and wired up on energy drinks, but, as she’d gone the next day to return the jack to Steven, the teenager had asked if the woman from last night had been the one to help her. So, she concluded Ellie hadn’t been a figment of her imagination, but an actual living woman with a helpful but grating demeanor. Jesse hadn’t believed a word she’d said.

But none of that mattered as she skid to a stop in front of ‘Eugene’s Den’, the best (and only) electronics store in town.

Dina slammed the door and ran to the back of the store, unlocking the door and running past the employee’s lounge that had the permanent stench of weed, and into Eugene’s office, that somehow smelled worse than the lounge.

“Eugene, before you say anything, I was actually almost on time today, but my mom had the stair chair malfunction and I had to get the thing fixed before Talia got home or she’d be stuck in the second floor all day and last time that happened she had a fit and couldn’t get her medicine and-” She took a sharp inhale before continuing, “We had to take her back to the hosp-” Eugene raised a hand, taking off the glasses from the bridge of his nose and putting down the solder iron he’d been using to fix a shoddy connection, “Dina, calm the fuck down!” He gave a deep belly chuckle and stood up from his desk chair.

“It’s no problem. Take a deep breath before you have a stroke. Here, in my office, where I have a no-stroke rule.” He pointed to a gag sign by his cork board that said, ‘No dying during office hours’.

Dina nodded and took steady breaths, giving Eugene an apologetic smile, “I know, I’m sorry, I’ve been late twice this week and I-” Again Eugene raised his hand and patted her shoulder, guiding her outside his office where he grabbed her by both shoulders and lightly shook her.

“Like I said, calm the fuck down. It’s no problem. You’ll just have to work front desk.” She groaned and he smiled, “And I just know how much you love to work front desk.”

Dina nodded and placed her stuff in the lounge before walking to the cashier and relieving Samantha, “Don’t worry too much, It’s been pretty slow today, I doubt you’ll get much guff from the old timers.” She offered her a tight smile. Samantha meant well but Dina knew that the old timers stuck to a schedule, and when she was working up front, they flocked to her with the most ridiculous of questions. It wasn’t like she couldn’t handle them, but that the monotony of it got pretty boring after a while. If she had a dollar for every time that Mrs.Smith came to the store asking why her phone wouldn’t turn on, only to be because she hadn’t charged it, she'd have five dollars. That was too much.

And talk about the devil.

“Oh, Dina, dear, how are you?” She asked in her warbly sweet old lady voice.

Dina smiled and prepped herself for the same exchange, “I’m doing fine, Mrs.Smith, how are you?”

Mr.Smith gave her a flash of her dentures and pulled out her small blocky smartphone, “I’m doing good, dear. How’s that boy of yours?” She slid the device over to Dina.

“Jesse is doing fine. Now, Mrs.Smith, can you tell me what’s wrong with your device?” She asked out of courtesy as she pulled out a phone charger and plugged it into the wall. She already knew what to do, plugging the little boxy object with the charger. Immediately the charging icon flashed on the screen.

“Oh, I’m not sure. It just turned off yesterday and I haven't been able to use it at all. None of the little pictures will pop up and I’m waiting for a call from my son.” Her little bony pale hands clenched together as she watched Dina mess with the device.

“Have you been charging your phone, Mrs.Smith? Last time you came here you had the same issue. Do you remember what I told you to do when the battery bar on the top right corner turns red?” She asked for what felt like the hundredth time.

Mrs.Smith shook her head, “Oh, no, dear. That stuff is much too complicated for me. So, what’s wrong with the little computer?”

Dina sighed and pressed the on button until the screen showed the home saver. A picture of John Smith and John Smith Jr., something Dina had helped her set up as well.

Mrs.Smith gave a little gasp as the phone came on and smiled with her thin lips again.

Dina went through the same spiel for the sixth time, the old lady nodding along as if anything made any actual sense to her.

“If this ever happens again just come here to the store, ok?” Dina resigned herself to a faith in which she’d be charging old lady phones every day, but, seeing Mrs.Smith smile was worth it. She may be a bit spacey but she was a good woman. “How much do I owe?” Already she was digging in her bag.

“You don’t owe anything, Mrs.Smith. Just say hi to John for me.” She smiled at the old lady and watched her leave with a semi charged phone. She never wanted to stick around long enough for the device to actually fully charge. Dina had tried.

The store was empty again. Dina leant on the counter and put her head down. Things weren’t going so great for her.

Talia was getting more and more on her nerves about school, always pushing her to go and finish and spend her every hour buried in a book. Pushing her to finish her degree and find a job and finally settle down with Jesse. And Jesse! He was becoming an issue too. She loved him to death but things were getting terse recently.

He’d gone back to school and was urging her to do the same, not only that but he was pushing for them to take the next step and move in together. Dina didn’t know how she felt about that. If they moved in they wouldn’t be able to escape each other, and Dina needed a break from him and his nagging sometimes. No matter how well he meant, she just couldn’t stand him when he went all mom-mode on her. And her mom!

Her hospital bills were stacking up. She was already working two jobs and couldn’t keep up with the charges, the hospital bills and appointments. Why didn’t Talia and Jesse understand that she couldn’t go back to school when her mother suffered in pain? It was as if they were living in some alternate universe where responsibility didn’t exist.

She groaned and blew a raspberry into the crook of her arm. Just four more hours and she could go to the daycare and then home.

The electronic bell chime went off and she picked her head up. More customers.

“Joel, you can’t tell me you fixed the fucking thing when it won’t go past the home screen!” A familiar voice admonished.

Joel, the local carpenter, walked in with Ellie, the woman that had been, quite honestly, a very helpful asshole.

“Look, the darn thing turned on so I thought it was fine. Can you-can you just get the darn thing fixed?” He rubbed at the bridge of his nose and Dina couldn’t help but let a smile tug at her lips.

“Well, well, well, look who’s come crawling in for my help.” She gave Ellie a toothy smile, crossing her arms over her chest.

Ellie gave a small smile and slammed an ancient DVD player on the counter, crossing her own arms, “This is an exchange of goods and services, not help.” Dina laughed and turned the DVD player around, “Sure, now, can you tell me what’s wrong with the device?” 

Joel who had been silently watching the exchange with an air of confusion walked up and tapped on the busted DVD player, “The dern thing wouldn’t turn on for weeks and then I fixed it and now it won’t leave the home screen.” The whole time smacking the old box. Dina cringing as the plastic creaks under his heavy hands.

“How exactly did you get it to turn on?” She asks as she checks the ports, checking for intrusions and bent copper.

Joel mutters and Ellie chuckles.

“What was that Mr. Miller?” She asks after not hearing him.

He mutters again and Ellie laughs a little more openly now.

Dina frowns and puts the device down, “Could you speak up?”

Ellie can’t take it anymore and laughs more openly, “He beat the crap out of it until something other than a blue screen showed up.” Joel huffed and rubbed at his beard, “I didn’t beat the crap out of it, Ellie, just gave it a good shakin’ til it worked.” When Ellie only laughed some more, Joel continued, his brows furling “I fixed it.”

“Well, I’ll have to plug it up to one of the TVs to see what you guys did to it.” Dina picks the battered box and starts to plug it into one of the flat screens. Ellie walking with her while Joel stays by the counter, arms crossed and a frown on his face.

“So, are you new in town? Or have you been hiding under a rock for the last twenty two years?” Dina asked, turning the device on.

Ellie leaned against the pillar by the TV, “Would you believe me if I said I’ve been living in a garage for twenty three years?” Dina raised a brow and looked her up and down, “No, I would not. I know almost everyone in this town, and I doubt Mr. Miller could keep anyone locked up for that long.” Ellie scoffed at that and kicked at the carpet.

“How do you know I even live with Joel?”

Dina clicked the play button and watched the screen stay the same, a disk for Jurassic park staying dormant on the screen, “Are you not his daughter? He’s always talking about his kid, I just assumed it was you.” Dina took out the DVD from the player. It probably needed a cleaning disk. If that didn’t work; she’d need to use a repair kit.

“What has he, uh, said? About me, I mean.” Ellie rocked on her heels, hands in her pockets.

“Just that she was overseas. I’m not too sure, it’s mostly the town's baseball team that Joel talks to” Really, Joel’s kid was in its own way a mystery. He talked about her enough that people knew she was on his mind, but not enough that anyone knew who she was or what she did.

Dina felt an urge to get to know her a little more.

“Ok, you wait here, I’ll go get the cleaning disk. If that doesn’t work you guys will have to come pick it up next week.” She walked briskly away but heard Ellie’s “Where else will I go?”

Joel was loitering around the counter, perusing the many gift cards.

Dina grabbed the disk and went back to Ellie, the disk in her hand.

Wait.

Was she missing a finger?

No, two.

Ellie saw her and put the disk down before shoving her hand in her pocket.

“OK, I’ll play this for two minutes and put the movie back on.” The disk whirred and Ellie cleared her throat.

“Do you, do you work here every day?” She was awkward, shuffling about, the hand not in her pocket picking at her hawaiian shirt. Dina smiled, “Oh, yeah, Monday all the way through Sunday. I take no days off, day in and day out.”

Ellie frowned at her, “I can’t believe I forgot how insufferable you were.” Dina only laughed.

“Ok, yeah, I’m sorry. I work here Mondays through Thursdays and at the daycare as well. Sometimes you can catch me at the YMCA, but lately I haven’t had much time to volunteer with the kids.” She really missed the activities her and the kids would get down with, but her mom needed her now more than ever. “What about you? Just mooching off of Mr.MIller?” Ellie grunted. 

“Joel’s been teaching me a bit about his workshop so I can help around a bit.” 

“Oh, that’s nice. Maybe you could swing by the daycare. Say hi and maybe see if Ardel needs some new hands on board. Jackson has been experiencing a bit of a baby boom and the daycare has become a bit of a zoo.” She laughed at the memory of the kids clambering all over her, like clingy little cats and monkeys, tripping you every step.

“No, I couldn’t do that. I’m no good with kids. But maybe I could swing by, check the place out.” Ellie gave her a shy smile and shrugged her shoulders.

Dina couldn’t help the blush that rose to her cheeks. That was weird. Yeah, Ellie was attractive, a little weird and rude, but she had someone already. Dina turned her face to hide her blush and saw that the disk had stopped.

“Ok, put that horrible movie in.” Ellie placed the DVD in and watched the device swallow it up. “I’ll have you know Jurassic Park is the greatest movie to have ever graced the face of this planet.” At that moment Joel strolled up, a shit eating grin on his face, “I knew it, I knew you loved that dern movie.”

“Oh, god, he’s going to be insufferable now.” Ellie rubbed her face and Dina offered Joel a smile.

The movie didn’t play.

“You guys just come around here at this time next week and it should be fixed.” Dina hoped Ellie would show up again.

“Yeah, totally, I’ll, I’ll see you again, yeah?” Ellie awkwardly put, her hands deep in her pockets, foot kicking at the carpet. Joel sparing her a confused glance.

“Yeah, I’d love that. See you around, Ellie.” And, as if noticing that Joel was still among them, bid him a farewell as well.

Samantha came out from the back room, a cup of coffee in her hand, “Who was that?”

Dina watched the duo leave, a silly smile on her face, “Ellie.”


	3. Paint and Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff? In my angst? It’s more likely than you think.

“My name is Ellie and I’m an alcoholic.”

It was Thursday again and Andrew was waiting outside in his truck, having dragged her out of the house at seven in the morning. They’d gone for breakfast that morning, Andrew bitching to her about the auto shop. Her gaze was distracted. Across the little diner sat the daycare. Ellie wondered if Dina was working that morning.

It was a regular meeting that week, her actual introduction to the group. Andrew told her that the first step was to admit you had a problem and embrace you had no control over it. Ellie thought it was bullshit. So what if she had a bit of a drinking problem, it didn’t hurt anyone, she wasn’t going around driving drunk, hitting fucking kids and their puppies. She wasn’t even addicted, but Andrew told her it would make this stupid fucking process go by quicker.

Hank smiled at her, “Alrighty, how ‘bout we all introduce ourselves to Ellie? I’ll go first.” He groaned as he stood up, pudgy hands on his knees, “My name is Hank, I’m a husband and father of two, spent eight years in the Army and work part time at the lumber mill. No, I ain't lugging the logs around, as you can tell” he patted his stomach and continued, “I’ve been sober for seven years now and I’m a recovering alcoholic.” The people around the circle smiled.

“My name is Artyom, I’m a husband of five years and a recovering alcoholic of two months.”

“I’m Kass, a single mother and recovering alcoholic of two weeks.”

“My name’s George, I work at the mechanic shop and I’m an alcoholic.”

They went around the circle re-introducing themselves. Some cleaner than others, some still struggling with their addiction. Ellie couldn’t care more. She knew she should, but she couldn’t help herself.

Hank went over the twelve steps again and had one of the older members go through their story.

“Welp, I’m Pascal, most of you have seen me here before. I’ve been sober for two years now. But, every day, every single day, I have the itch and the urge to drink. I was married, my high school sweetheart. We got married when I was seventeen and we even stayed together when I joined the Navy. We were planning on having kids and moving to California, start a family and buy a home with a picket fence. Maybe even get a dog. Y’know, the whole suburban family shebang. And then, then..” He paused and rested his forearms on his knees, “Then I was sent to Afghanistan. I was a Corpsman, working with infantry Marines,” He pointed to Ellie, “And, and I saw some things, things no one should see. Horrible, horrible things” Ellie felt her breath catch, her hands squeezed. She wanted to leave. “I started to drink. It was the only thing that could take the pain away, the memories, to forget my lost brothers and sisters, to forget the things we’d done. I lost myself in the bottle, and I lost my wife. I was alone.” Ellie couldn’t breath. Her hands were shaking, deep in her pockets. “And then I found this group. I admitted my problems and started to get better. I relapsed, oh, I relapsed so many times. I can’t even begin to tell you all how many of those silver and red coins I have ” People chuckled and Pascal slapped his knees, a smile on his bearded face.

She couldn’t hear this anymore.

Ellie got up from her chair, the metal scrapping on the linoleum floor, everyone turning to look at her. “I, I’ve got to go.”

Hank stood from his chair again, his arm extended, “Ellie, wait-” But she was already rushing out of the double doors, her breathing quickening and her vision getting dark at the edges.

There was screaming, in her mind, the shouts, the thundering explosions going off in the distance. She felt her hands shake, her heart beating a million miles an hour.

Boots, slapping on sand and pressed dirt. The harsh and muted pops of rifles, the howling of mortar shells, the humming of the war machines.

She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe. Oh, god, she couldn’t breathe, her throat and eyes burned, the sand from the storm was burning and pelting her skin. Her helmet lolling her head back and forth. Her hands held the knife, bloody and dripping in between her fingers, the mortar shells landing, making the ground underneath her rumble.

He was staring at her, eyes wide open. Youthful and strong, wearing a shawl, a rifle not far from him, cold bloody fingers just skimming the buttstock.

His eyes, wide and brown and young, So young.

She killed him, she’d killed so many of them.

The thundering louder and louder and louder to the point she couldn’t even hear the sounds of the screaming or the gurgling of the blood that pooled in the divot of his youthful neck.

The many eyes that stared at her, but the young brown ones always shining back in tears.

The thundering and screeching and the blood and the boots and her own animalistic cries!

The shaking of the ground, threatening to swallow her full, sand and blood choking her, filling her lungs, the bright flashes in the dark, the green tracer rounds filling the air, lighting it up like fireworks. God! The bullets whizzing by, exploding the sand bags before her! The blood the boots the mortars the tanks! Her hands shaking, the push of the rifle, her rounds hitting true!

The boots thumping on the sand, the bodies hitting the sand, the tanks rolling in sand, the blood pooling in sand. The sand the sand the sand.

The sand!

Screaming and screaming and mortar shells!

“Ellie! You're ok! You’re ok! I need you to look at me!”

Andrew.

Andrew was before her, leaning some distance from her, his hands splayed open in a placating matter.

“Ellie, please calm down, you’re here, with me, in Jackson. You’re here with me, we’re not over there anymore.” He was staring at her with wide blue eyes.

They weren’t brown. They were icy blue. Friendly young eyes that she’d known since she was a kid.

She wasn’t over there.

She was in Jackson. With Joel and Andrew. Far away from the sand and tanks. Nothing lit up the sky in Jackson but the stars and the fluorescent lights of shops and street lamps. No tracer rounds. Nothing.

She touched her face. It was wet with tears, but no soot of gunpowder or blood or sand. She was fine. She was sitting on cold tile in the town hall.

Ellie looked around the hall and saw that they were alone.

“Hey, you’re ok. C’mon, let’s get you out of here.” Andrew made to help her get up but she stuck a hand out for him to keep his distance. “It’s fine, I got it. Let’s just go home.” She suddenly felt exhausted, her bones wheing a ton, the material of her shirt rubbing her skin raw, despite it being loose on her frame. Ellie kept a hand on the wall as Andrew led them out of the door, and back into the cold night. It was snowing again. The sky was a blur of white, but Ellie welcomed the cold, it helped her calm down.

“Ellie, where’s your coat?” Andrew asked as he unlocked his truck, the old thing groaning as he opened the door. Ellie jumped into the passenger seat and stuck her hands into her pockets, “I left it back at the meeting. I’ll just get it tomorrow.” Andrew scoffed at her and turned the car on, switching the warmth all the way up, “Don’t be stupid, I’ll go get it for you, you wait here, ok.” He didn’t give her room to argue as he jumped out of the truck and ran back inside.

Ellie sighed and put her head against the cold window.

When would this stop. Not only were her dreams plagued every night, but almost anything set her off when going about town. Two days ago it was the exhaust of a faulty truck, and before that a popped balloon at a park. She couldn’t sleep and she couldn’t eat and she could barely function as a human being. She bummed a cigarette from Andrew’s dashboard and pushed the lighter in the car. As she sat waiting for the little pop from the lighter she saw someone exit the town hall. It wasn’t Andrew.

It was Dina, her pony tail bobbing as she quickly descended the stairs, a pair of earmuffs covering the sides of her head.

The lighter popped and Ellie jumped before lighting the cigarette.

Dina looked around and spotted her, a bright smile on her pretty flushed face. Ellie gave her a small wave and rolled down the window.

“Hey, stranger. Watcha doing out here at ass o’ clock in the morning?” She asked slightly out of breath. Ellie turned her face away from Dina to blow the smoke out.

“I could ask you the same thing.” She replied.

Dina gave her a small pout and a playful punch to the shoulder, “I’ll have you know I have errands to run and packages to deliver.”

Ellie gave her a small smile, “Oh, wow, a true renaissance woman. An IT, daycare worker and now a drug dealer.”

Dina gave her a mock gasp, “Me? A drug dealer? How dare you!” And much quieter, after looking around the street, “Why? You looking to buy?” Ellie couldn’t help but laugh.

“No thanks, I have my guy.” That was only a partial joke.

Dina smiled at her and rested her forearms on the window, “A bad girl, true and true.”

“Really, what are you doing here.” Dina moved her ear muffs around and blew a raspberry at her, “Wouldn’t you like to know, weather girl.” Ellie groaned at her and attempted to roll up the window, but Dina just leaned more of her weight on the car. “Ok, ok, I’m sending Hanukkah gifts to my grandma and my nephews.”

“Ah, but it’s not even december yet.” Dina tapped her gloved fingers on the car door. “Yeah, but the shipping might take a while, and it’s not like they’ll open the gifts right away.”

“I guess you have a point.”

“Of course I do, I always have a point. And, talking about points, I tought I made it a point for you to swing by the daycare. It would be nice to show the kids an example of a very rude person.” Ellie flicked her gloved fingers away as she poked her arm.

“Like I said, I’m not very good with kids. I’ll manage to say ‘fuck’ seconds into meeting them.”

“Yeah, that is pretty bad, those little boogers are like gramophones. But, it’s not like they haven’t heard it from me yet.” Ellie shook her head at her, taking a drag from the cigarette.

“I bet.” Again she turned her head to avoid blowing the smoke directly at Dina.

“Y’know, that stuff’ll kill you.” She pointed out, motioning to the cigarette.

“Isn’t that the point?” She threw it out the window nonetheless.

“Okay, edgelord. Don’t forget to pick up the DVD player tomorrow, I fixed it up.”

“Gee, about time, you guys took ages with that thing, it’s not rocket science.” Ellie goaded.

“Ok, asshole, if it’s so easy why don’t you fix it yourself next time?” She moved from the window, raising a challenging brow at Ellie.

“Uh, because I have you to do it?” Dina laughed at her.

“Touche. Bring two thousand dollars with you tomorrow, it wasn’t an easy fix.” And then she was walking away again. Ellie smiled as she watched her cross the street and get into her gray old timer, the exhaust blowing a steady stream of dark fumes into the freezing morning.

She watched her go until the driver’s door opened and Andrew threw her coat at her. It used to be Joel’s but he gifted it to her when she was fourteen.

“Well, you’re in a better mood.” He said as he took the car off park and they started to roll down the street. Ellie put her coat back on and rolled up the window.

“What are you even talking about?” She turned the radio station on, some old timey Elvis playing.

“I’m talking about that dopey smile on your face. You just had a spaz out at the town hall and now you look like you just won the lottery.” He turned the blinkers on and then turned on Main street.

“Quit exaggerating. And I didn’t spaz out, just needed a little fresh air.” Andrew scoffed at her and spared her a disbelieving glance.

“Eat shit. You totally spazzed out again. Who was that girl, by the way? Is she the reason you’re smiling?” A devious smile started to grow on his cleanly shaven face. Ellie scowled at him and put her hand on the door handle.

“I swear I’ll jump out of the car if you start.” She threatened.

Andrew smelled her bluff, “Ellie and stranger sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes-” Ellie turned up the radio, Elvis hollering about a hound dog, drowning Andrew’s horrible sing-songing. He chuckled and turned the radio down. “Ok, I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone now, but we won’t be going back to that dank garage of yours.” Ellie spluttered, throwing her hands up in the air. “You spend too much time wallowing in self pity there. We’re going back to the shop, Joel should be waiting there, he wants to show you something.”

“I don’t wallow in self pity.” She mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Sure, Williams. How ‘bout you turn that frown upside down before you walk into the shop and give everyone depression.” Andrew parked the car and stepped back out into the cold.

The shop was a shoddy little family owned garage. It could only fit three cars at a time, and had a single car lift that seemed to get jammed every other car. The most business the boys seemed to get came from outsiders in a rush to get through Jackson.

Currently Randy Sr. and his three sons, Randy, Randy Jr., and Randall, were lounging in the garage, drinking beer and laughing in their obnoxious redneck way. Randy Sr. slapping his knee, spraying spit all over his sons surely over some crass joke. A sedan sat with the hood open. Reserved for just Andrew.

“Hey, boss man. Ellie’s here with me today. Have you seen Joel?” Andrew walked into the garage and rolled up the sleeves of his coveralls and winter coat. Randy Sr. sipped his beer and belched before whipping his mustachioed lip, “Yeah, he’s out back fiddlin’ with some bike.”

Randy Jr. and Randy got up to help Andrew with the shoddy engine belt while Randall solemnly stared at the street. His hood was pulled over his red hair, teenage angst radiating off of him. Ellie ignored the lot and went through the door to the back.

Joel was staring at an old Harley, hands on his hips, his ancient and worn leather coat rolled up to his elbows. As he got older he found himself having more time to explore his interests, and Ellie found that Joel liked the strangest crap. He had become infatuated with golf, then baseball, then coffee makers, and now it was motorcycles.

“Hey, old man. What’s up?” She leaned next to a support bar.

“The sky.”

“Why am I even here?”

“Quit being such a stick in the mud. You loved those jokes when you were a kid.” He walked around the bike and wiped the gas tank.

“I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Yeah, I know.” He sighed and looked down at his boots.

Ellie felt fractionally bad. Only fractionally.

“Anyway, I didn’t get Andrew to drag you from your musty garage to have you moan about.” He dropped the rag on the motorcycle and motioned for her to follow him to the parking out back.

“Why is everyone talking shit about the garage, it doesn’t even smell that bad.” Really? What was their freaking deal?

“Ellie, I ain’t got a dang clue what you get up in there but it smells like a chemistry lab and a locker room at the same time.” She let the comment slide, finding silence the best response to that.

They came up to Joel’s truck. It was an old 1980 F-150 Ford. Joel had taken great care of it through the years, keeping the teal and chrome nice and polished.

“You taking me on a ride or something? Hopefully back to my stinky garage.” She scuffed her converse on the snow, enjoying the sound of the crunching snow.

Joel shook his head and dug into his coat, pulling out a pair of keys, throwing them at Ellie. She barely caught them, the keys hitting her on the chest. “No, kiddo. If you want to go back to that stinky garage, you can drive back. She’s all yours.” She stared at him, waiting for the end of the joke.

But it never came.

He just stared at her with his hands in his pockets.

“Joel, what are you talking about. This is your truck.” She told him, clearly confused.

“Yeah, well, now she’s yours. And I want you to take good care of her.”

“I can’t take this.”

“Yes you can. Now you don’t have an excuse to miss work at the shop or your meetings.” He came up to her and bumped her shoulder.

She didn’t really know what to say. Ellie weighed the keys in her hand, up and down. A smile tugged at her lips.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Just make sure you do what you have to do. No more wallowing in self pity.”

Ellie shook her head, “You need to stop talking with Andrew.” 

Joel chuckled and patted the car’s roof, “You’re probably right. Now get on and get outta here. Do something around town and come home early so you can get an early start at the shop. You’ll be working there all week.” He smiled at her and she only rolled his eyes at him.

She climbed into the truck and turned it on, the car rumbling under her. She flashed him a small smile and revved the engine before pulling out of the parking lot, watching Joel through the rearview mirror. He waved at her.

She drove around for a solid five minutes before she realized she didn’t really know where to go. She’d only been in Jackson for a month and most of her days were spent in her garage or running around the abandoned farms, not even the town hall was blessed with her presence that often.

Soon she was at Main Street, and passed by the electronics store. It was closed.

Ellie soon found herself driving to the daycare she saw when eating breakfast with Andrew.

It was open.

She sat parked in her new truck. Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. Should she go in? Was Dina even being serious about her going? Would it be weird if a childless woman just walked into a daycare to talk with one of the care takers? She needed some courage, just a tad. The flask in her jacket was heavy, and Ellie took it out, taking a healthy swig. And another. And another. Soon she was feeling the warmth course through her throat and veins and stomach. Just a quick chat, in and out.

The door was heavy, probably to keep the kids from doing a Bond-esque escape.

The inside was warm, and as soon as she fully stepped in the shrill screaming of kids bombarded her ears. Little flurries of brightly colored shirts and sweats, jumping up and down on bean bags and tiny chairs. The walls were just as bright, finger paintings and cartoonish characters reminding the kids to wash their dirty little hands.

She spotted Dina, laying criss-cross-apple-sauce on the floor, surrounded by the rambunctious kids, tickling one of the little kids, his mirthful screeching filling the room even further. She was laughing, her face lit up as she wiggled her fingers on the kid’s tummy, his feet kicking up and down. A gaggle of kids clambering around her, hoping to get a turn as well.

Ellie softly smiled. Leaning on a nearby pillar, her hands in her pockets.

Dina seemed to turn at the movement and spotted her. Somehow impossibly, her smile got brighter, “Ellie! You came!” The kids also turned to look at the stranger by the door, some of them stilling for a second, but most of them continuing their jack-rabbit impressions.

Dina got up from the floor and walked up to her, smoothing out her shirt and hair, Ellie noticed bright blue paint smudged on one of her cheeks. “What makes you think I didn’t come here to pick my kid up?”

Dina laughed and looked around, “I think I would’ve noticed a little Ellie running around, “ She paused and looked Ellie up and down. Ellie felt herself heat up, her cheeks coloring, “But you don’t strike me as much of a mom.”

Ellie shrugged, “Moms come in all shapes and sizes.” Dina only shook her head, “Sure, Ms, ‘I don’t really get along with kids’”

“Some moms don’t get along with their kids, c’mon.”

Dina’s brows rose, a little ‘o’ formed by her lips, “Oh, so you have mommy issues too? Does Joel know about this dynamic?” 

Ellie shook her head, “Are you a shrink too? I don’t think that mixes morally with your drug dealing.” Dina slapped her arm and shushed her.

“Ellie! Be quiet! The kids will hear you and then I’ll have parents calling me, asking why I’m hustling around their kids.”

“Ok, ok, sorry. I’ll only talk about your illegal dealings outside of daycare hours.”

“That’s a good Ellie. Now, c’mere and help me herd these little boogers.” Dina grabbed her hand and tugged her along. At least it wasn’t her mangled one.

Wait.

“Dina, wait, I’m not sure that’s a good idea, I don’t-”

“Hey, don’t worry about it, these kiddos don’t care who hands them paint and goldfish as long as they get handed paint and goldfish.” She led her to a cluttered workstation, handing her stacks of paper and little tubs of paint. “Don’t worry about the paint either, they could chug a gallon of this stuff and be fine and dandy for snack time.” Ellie immediately missed the warmth of her hand but followed along like a sick puppy, juggling container after container.

“Alrighty, boys and girls, if you would please give me your undivided attention.” She clapped her hands twice and the room quieted down, an uneven group clab responding back, “My assistant here will hand you chaps some paper and colors, I’ll need you guys seated in your chairs, please.” The kids burst out into laughter at Dina’s mock British accent, hurrying up to their little chairs, little legs kicking in the air, impatiently squirming and touching everything that Ellie put down on their tables. “We drew some turkeys last month but now I think you guys deserve some artistic freedom.” The kids nodded along as if they understood every word she said. “Give me your best, your grandest, your craziest!” The kids followed her every word, vibrating with excitement, eager to dip every surface on the table and their bodies in paint.

Dina guided Ellie next to a vacant kiddie table, sitting down. Ellie grimaced at the tiny chair and almost toppled over, grabbing the table for dear life. Dina laughed at her. “Can’t we sit on a normal human table? With normal human chairs?”

“I’m going to ignore your insinuation that the kids aren’t normal human beings, but, here.” She handed Ellie a large piece of paper, straightening the colors in the middle of the table, “Why don’t you show me what you can do.” Ellie blushed and broke eye contact, staring at the paper.

“What am I supposed to draw?”

“Whatever you want.” And quickly again, “As long as it’s PG-13”

Ellie groaned.

Dina had her own piece of paper, already dipping her fingers into the paint, “Let a master show you how it’s done.” Her index finger made a large arc on the paper, red and wide, then bright orange and yellow and green, until Ellie got the gist. She was painting a rainbow. “As much as I enjoy an audience, you better start on your own before I call Joel and order a parent-teacher meeting.”

“I thought this was just a daycare? Now you’re a teacher too? Honestly, Jill of all trades.” Nonetheless, Ellie grabbed a bottle of blue paint. It was going to be awkward trying to paint with only one hand without holding the paper.

“Joke all you want but I teach these kids what they’ll need before starting life.” She was now making a blob of brown at the end of her rainbow.

“Does that include changing a tire?” Ellie made a blue circle on the page.

“I will kick you out of this daycare.” Ellie gave out a small chuckle.

“I’d like to see you try.” Maybe she could try making an astronaut.

“You might be taller, but I can totally kick your ass.” Dina’s brown blob was starting to look more and more distorted. What the hell was that?

“Watch your language, the kids are going to fucking hear you!” Ellie quietly gasped in mock horror.

The astronaut was looking more like a play-doh man. Too lumpy.

Just as she was going to add some kick ass space boots, something wet hit the side of her face and chin. She looked up, surprised, and Dina was staring back at her with a triumphant smile.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you with all that paint on your face.”

Ellie frowned at her, “That doesn’t even make any sense!”

“It totally does-” Ellie dipped her fingers in the purple paint and threw a good glob at Dina, hitting her square in the forehead, the paint sliding down her face and down the bridge of her nose. Dina stared back at her in horror before a mischievous smile over took her face.

Her fingers dipped into the yellow paint and Ellie had to duck to avoid the spray. It somehow managing to hit her on the shoulder.

“I’m going to fucking kill you.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Soon it had become an absolute battle field in the corner of the daycare. Both women ducking under chairs and tables, flinging paint at each other. Reds and blues and yellows and greens, covering every surface area in their little bubbles. Ellie ducking under a too small table, a green in her hands.

Her eyes scanned the empty tables. She saw socked feet move on her left, she left her hiding spot and flung the green goop towards her assailant. Dina hit the carpet at just the right second, hitting her in the chest with a bright pink.

“Ha! You suck at this!”

Her triumph was short lived, as Ellie had ran over to her, pinning her to the carpet, body hitting her head on, both women toppling softly to the floor.

Ellie grinned and held both of Dina’s hands over her head with one of her own, the green cup on her right. Dina knew what was coming, her eyes wide and mouth agape.

“I thought you could kick my ass?” Ellie taunted, the green cup coming dangerously close to Dina’s face.

“Don’t you dare.” Dina warned, her arms and legs writhing. Ellie only tipped the cup closer. They were impossibly close. Their mouths inches apart, legs tangled together, stomachs pressed flush.

“Ms. Dina.”

And the illusion was broken.

Ellie finally noticed how close they were. She could see the red of exertion on Dina’s face, the freckles on her cheeks and bridge of her nose, the different array of colors that had marred her perfect complexion.

Both women quickly got up from the floor. At least five feet apart.

“Hey, Bubby, what’s wrong?” Dina knelt in front of the kid. Bubby, presumably, had his painting in his little hands. Ellie couldn’t tell what the mess on the paper was if her life depended on it.

“I finished my dra-da-draring.” He struggled with the word, proudly showing his mess of paint on the paper, “And I’m hungry.” Dina slapped a hand to her head and glanced to the clock on the wall.

“Thank you for reminding me, Bubby. Go sit down on your table while I hand out the snacks, ok?” Bubby gave an over enthusiastic nod and ran over to his table. Dina got up from the floor and rubbed her wrist.

“You wouldn’t mind helping me clean up the area while I give the kids some juice and crackers? The paint racks are in the back” She gave an apologetic smile and Ellie found herself nodding just like Bubby.

Ellie walked to the congregation and noticed just how clean the kids were compared to herself. Their hands and faces had smudges, sure, but for the most part the paint had managed to stay on the paper. 

Ok, the paint racks.

“Uh, hey...kiddos. I’m going to pick up your papers and put them on the paint racks to dry.” The kids stared at her with wide eyes. Probably wondering what this stranger covered in paint had to do with their precious art.

She took their lack of acknowledgement as an ‘a-ok’ and began to pick up the paint heavy papers. Most kids were fine with it, chatting with their tiny friends, but, just as she was finished a group of kids decided to fuck up her task.

“No! I don’t know you! My painting!” The little monster clutched at the paper. His little friend saw this and clutched her own paper, “Yeah! We don’t know you. You’re just going to steal our papers!” Ellie huffed and crossed her arms, “Believe me, I don’t want your ugly little doodles.” The kids gave her wide eyed stares before puffing up. Red faces and quivering lips. The little boy that began the whole thing bursting up in tears, his little friend standing up on her chair, pointing a finger at Ellie, “You take that back!” She shouted. 

By now the kids had created a circle around Ellie, either bawling or cursing her for insulting them in such a way.

“I am not taking it back, I meant every word.” By now the kids were up to her legs, pushing at her thighs and tapping her and trying to pull her arms to get her attention.

“You need to back off, I swear I’ll swing all you little monsters out the windows.” This seemed to only egg the kids on, now it seemed that they were cooperating together with climbing up her body.

Ellie saw no way out.

She grabbed a little tot that had begun to hang from her shoulder and held him up in the air, letting out a guttural shout, swinging him about. The kids backed up and screamed. Ellie swung the kid again, keeping all the other little ones at bay. Every time that a few backed up, more encroached on her. They were flanking her, coming up behind her, in her blind spots.

“Back up!” They were bloodthirsty! Like flesh eating monsters they ran around her, screaming as well. She backed up further by the tables, using the kid in her arms as a human shield.

They only screeched more.

“Ellie?”

Ellie turned around and saw Dina holding a tub filled with juice boxes.

She put the kid down.

It was then that all the kids rushed her and threw her on the ground, their grubby little hands pulling at her legs. Through the gaps of their bodies climbing her, she saw Dina smile.

“Hey, guys, let off Ellie. If you want snacks you have to behave.” The kids giggled, stepping on Ellie as they got off of her. She groaned in pain when socked feet hit her in the ribs.

Dina offered her a hand, “They seem to like you.”

Ellie took the offered hand and pulled herself up, “Like me? I used one of them as a weapon.”

Dina laughed, “That’s exactly the kind of thing kids love. They're in that stage in life where ragdolling them around is their shit.”

Images to their previous positions flashed around in Ellie’s brain, a blush burning her ears and face, “Is that something you like too?”

Dina’s eyes brightened and before she could respond, the tub in her hands was pulled down and all the juice boxes hit the floor. Bubby had gotten impatient, and picked up one of the boxes. Dina went to pick them up, “What did I tell you about waiting?” Bubby helped her put the boxes back in the tub but kept one tucked into his arm, “Sorry, Ms.Dina.” And it seemed Dina couldn’t stay mad at him because she smiled and smoothed his puffy blond hair.

“Ellie, you’re on goldfish duty. Deliver the packages and rendezvous at desk HQ.”

Ellie rolled her eyes and smiled, picking up the tub filled with the smiling fish. As she handed them out, the kids seemed to forget her previous transgression and thanked her with wide smiles.

After the last bag was handed out, Dina shouted from her desk, “What’s your ETA, Private Williams?”

Ellie knew she was joking. She doubted Joel had told them much about her service, but it burned the petty part of her to be demoted so low. She had been a fucking Corporal.

“Private? Can I ask what rank you happen to be?” She sat down in the chair next to Dina.

Dina straightened out the papers on the desk and sat up straight, “Clearly I’m the commander in chief, I have the highest rank of them all.” Ellie laughed and crossed her arms, “President Dina, forgive me for questioning you.” Dina huffed, “I should demote you for your insubordination.”

“You’ll have to kick me out at that point, there’s nothing lower than private.”

“You seem to know your stuff, Private Williams. You’re not some secret soldier, are you?” She eyed her suspiciously, a poorly hid smile under her hand.

“No, I am not a soldier, or will ever be.” It was only a partial lie. She wasn’t Army, she’d been Marines.

“Wasn’t Joel in the military? And Tommy too.” She pulled out a small lunch box from under the desk, a cartoonish red dog on the metal cover.

“Yeah, Joel was MARSOC and Tommy was Rangers.” Dina pulled out a sandwich and baby carrots.

“Here, try this.” She cut the sandwich in half and handed Ellie a triangle piece.

Ellie refused, “It’s your lunch.”

“I know, that’s why I’m sharing it with you.”

Ellie resigned and took the offered piece, “You sound like Joel.”

Dina laughed, “Why’s that, does he usually force you to eat his lunch?”

“No, but he gave me his truck today, and pretty much gave me no room to argue.” She took a bite of the sandwich.

“Oh, you have a truck now? Great! Now you have no excuse to not stop by the daycare.” Dina popped a baby carrot into her mouth.

Did Dina expect her to swing by all the time? Did she actually mean it? Ellie was growing more and more confused. Is this what normal adult friends did? She didn’t really know what to say. It seemed she found herself not knowing what to say in response these days.

“This is a good sandwich.” She said in response, and actually found herself meaning it.

“Thank you very much, I call it the ‘Dina surprise”. Eat up.”

“Uh,” Ellie put the sandwich down, “What exactly is Dina-”

The door to the daycare opened and a group of parents walked in. All wearing winter coats and beanies and boots. It seemed that the snow outside was picking up. Ellie took that as her cue to leave. She got up from the chair, just as one of the parents walked around the desk and came up to Dina, hugging her- and-

And kissing her.

Right in her perfect little red mouth.

“I gotta go.”

And she walked out, ignoring the calls from Dina


	4. Splinters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some graphic dug use in this one, y’all

Her mom had finally fallen asleep. She had been turning and writhing in her sleep for the better half of the night, her cries and moans of pain haunting Dina.

After the painkillers had finally kicked in, she allowed herself to rest on the couch downstairs. Her eyes were heavy with sleep but the memories of her mother’s cries weren’t letting her rest. Day in and day out, Dina had to be at the foot of her bed, helping her ready in the mornings, helping her get downstairs, helping her to her chair, calling her every hour to make sure she was ok and that she’d taken her medicine. It was exhausting. And still, she had to pay for the house, and the bills, and for school, and every morning she had to go to the daycare, and hurry to the electronics store. It felt as if her life was on a speedrun, every day blurring together.

It was monotonous and stressful and she rejoiced when even a little change came to her life.

Like, when last month, the town hall had its yearly Thanksgiving dance. She’d had a chance to be twirled around by half the town, jumping from arm to arm, drinking and drinking and forgetting all her troubles. Jesse had been there too, but he wasn’t much for parties. Mostly sticking to the drinking bar. He’d left early that night.

Talking about Jesse, he’d come back from college, and Dina didn’t really know how to feel about it.

Deep down she knew she loved him, and that she should be rejoicing that her boyfriend was back in town.

But.

Something had changed.

They fought sometimes, but not even their fights held any passion. It felt as if they were just going through the motions. And Dina felt that Jesse thought that moving forward in their relationship would fix their issues, rekindle the passion, or whatever other bullshit he’d been reading back at school.

Maybe she just needed to put more effort into keeping what they had together.

Dina pulled out her phone and dialed her boyfriend, it didn’t even ring twice before he picked up.

“Hey, babe, what’s up?” He sounded a little out of breath.

“Hey, Jesse, what’re you up to?” She crossed her legs on the couch.

“Just helping my dad with the deck.” She heard a tool be put down on the other end.

“Hmm, that’s nice.”

The silence dragged out for a while. Dina didn’t really know what else to ask. Jesse told her most of what had been going at school when he’d seen her at the daycare. She wishes Ellie would have stuck around. She was sure the two of them would’ve gotten along well.

“I’m running some errands tomorrow, do you want to tag along with me? I know it’s your day off.”

Dina thought about it for a second. Did she want to spend the whole day with Jesse? Or did she want to stay in, watching reruns all day. Really, it was an easy decision.

“I don’t know, Jesse. I’ve been tired all week from work.”

Jesse sighed and she heard him sit down, “Ok, maybe I can come over and we can watch a movie or something.”

“No that’s fine-”

“You know I’ve missed you, maybe I can give you a foot massage and we can see what happens from there.” Dina could hear the smugness in his voice.

That seemed to be their only way to fix their issues nowadays. Sex and sex and sex. It felt empty, even emptier when they kissed each other and muttered half assed ‘I love you’s.

“No, you know what? I have to run some errands tomorrow too.” She didn’t have any errands to run.

Jesse sighed again and she could hear his disappointment, “Yeah, ok, I’ll pick you up at nine.”

The silence dragged on again and Dina frowned. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she just be a good girlfriend? When was the last time that she was even happy?

“I love you.” Muttered Jesse.

“I-I love you too.” And Dina hung up.

Great, now she had to wake up early and come up with some list of crap to do. She should’ve just been honest with him, but even that was starting to become a chore for her. Dina felt trapped, but the cage was invisible and she’d swallowed the key.

What was wrong?

\---

Everything felt fuzzy and foreign, the lights were bright and burned her eyes, but it felt good, warm and safe. Like she could control everything around her.

The lights from the parking lot flickered and swirled and the distorted music from the radio made her giggle, her mouth felt like cotton and anything that moved created colorful flashes as they passed by. Her fingers, all ten of them, all digits intact, she could feel them! There were no phantom pains, just warmth.

Ellie giggled and rolled around the bed of her truck, cluttering and displacing the bottles that haloed her. The only discomfort in her body came from the needle still stuck in her arm. She pulled it out and laughed at the spray of blood that jumped out, She threw the needle out of the truck, “Fuck you, Mr.Needle!” She laughed and laughed and laughed.

Nothing hurt, nothing would ever hurt.

The colors spun and spun and spun and Ellie felt herself fall down into a great warm chasm, bathing her body in comfort and color and safety.

Nothing hurt, nothing would ever hurt.

\---

“Where the fuck are you, Ellie!”

Her head hurt, it pounded, the veins in her head throbbed, her eyes burned and her fingers ached. Her mouth was dry and sandy, her tongue heavy in her mouth. Ellie held the phone away from her head, squinting at the sun.

Where the fuck was she?

She picked herself up from the dirty floor and glanced around.

She was in an alley, broken bottles all around her, and a dumpster, stinking like shit right beside her. Her head throbbed and she put a hand to her dome before sitting back down. Her watch read that it was seven in the morning. There was a rubber band tied loosely to her upper bicep. She untied it and rolled down her sleeve.

“Ellie! Ellie, Jesus Christ, please tell me you’re ok!” The phone in her hand was picked up again. Ellie frowned and closed her eyes, “I’m fine, Andrew, please shut the fuck up.” Her feet felt cold. Where the fuck were her shoes?

“Shut the fuck up?! Shut the fuck up?! You went missing, you didn’t even go back home! Joel is worried sick! We’ve been calling you non-stop since yesterday! We even tried calling the police but you haven’t been missing for twenty four hours yet!”

Ellie got up from the floor again and stumbled out of the alleyway, “My phone was on silent.” She muttered and dragged a hand down her face.

“That’s bullshit and you know it. Even if it was, that doesn’t explain where you went. Where the fuck are you?” Ellie looked around again and found herself at a full parking lot. The people around her, hauling shopping baskets, giving her strange looks.

“Didn’t your mom teach you staring was fucking rude?” The old man scoffed at her and moved along quicker.

“Who are you talking to?” Andrew was clearly frazzled, and worried, and absolutely pissed. Joel wouldn’t be any better.

“I’m at the store. I just wanted to go around town. I’m fine. Tell Joel I’ll be at the shop in an hour.”

“You know what? Fuck you, Ellie. I fucking love you, you’re like my goddamn sister, and what you do to me and Joel is just fucked. Get your shit together.” Ellie grunted and spotted her truck, half on the curb.

“I love you too, Andrew.” And hung up.

Ellie walked up to the trunk and started to push the bottles out of the back. Again, people watched her, walking by faster and giving her disapproving stares. Fuck them. Fuck them all. Who even shopped at ass o’ clock in the fucking morning? She climbed into her truck and pulled on the spare pair boots she kept under the passenger seat. It was freezing and her fingers burned, the nubs aching in rhythm with her headache.

Today fucking sucked.

She opened the dash and pulled out a packet of cigarettes, lighting one and turning the car on. Immediately the truck started to heat up and purr. She sighed and closed her eyes, puffing out the smoke before taking the car out of park. Her coat, luckily, had still been on her person, otherwise she would’ve probably frozen to death during her bender.

She had to limit her use to the garage.

Joel’s carpenter shop came into view. In his older age he stuck mostly to the shop, no longer going out around town taking contracts. Ellie parked the truck and flipped down the visor to get a look at her face. She looked like absolute shit. Her face was pale and gaunt, the eyebags under her eyes reminiscent of a racoon mask. There was crusted blood on her left nostril and a sore on her left temple.

Ellie picked at it and hissed, it was dark brown and ringed in red.

She wiped her nose and smoothed her hair out. She needed courage. Just a sip. Her trusty flask came out and she took a swig, and another, and another. Soon the cold wasn’t bothering her anymore and her eyes opened up a bit. She felt a little better. A little fatigued, but the cold was gone and her fingers flexed, the nubs still hurt but when didn’t they hurt?

Joel was sitting at his workshop, smoothing the neck of a gee-tar, as he called them.

Ellie quietly walked to the front desk and took her coat off, swapping it for an apron and grabbing a pair of safety glasses. She watched his back, as he quietly worked. Up and down, sure and firm movements. He had to be pissed.

An old couple had come in last week, they wanted their dresser fixed and varnished. Joel had taught her the process of sanding and varnishing. It was hard work but honest work.

She didn’t drive this chance. She didn’t deserve this job. She didn’t deserve Joel.

Joel got up from his chair and turned the sign from open to closed. He paused at the door, his hands clutching the door. Ellie saw his shoulders tense then slump. Then, he started to shake.

Ellie let go of the sander and put it down, walking over to Joel. She watched as his shoulders shook more, and more and more and more.

He was crying.

“Hey, Joel…” She heard him take in a quiet breath.

“I’ll be in the back...just...just take care of the store.”

He quickly turned from the door and hurried to the back of the store, hiding his face. The guitar forgotten on the table. Ellie walked to the table and smoothed her hand over the body. And up the neck, where the strings had yet to be strung.

There, etched in charcoal black, a moth.

She used to draw them when she was young. They plagued her dreams.

Had Joel seen the journal?

Ellie sighed and walked back to her workstation. Today was going to be a pain in the ass.

\---

“Is Joel’s shop still open?” Jesse asked, turning the street. He was wearing that obnoxiously bright windbreaker again, and an even brighter orange beanie.

“You know it is.” She mumbled back, staring out the window. Out to the streets, lined by pushed snow, smoke coming from the sewer grates.

“I-I just..I’m trying to make conversation.” He quietly said.

Dina hummed and kept looking out the window. 

Jesse’s car pulled into the parking lot. Dina felt his stare on her, the silence dragging on, the only sound between them being the hum of the car. “Dina, look at me.” She kept her eyes on the shop. She could see the warm lights, and bright beige of the walls and wood. A quiet hum of a sander drifted through the atmosphere. “Please just look at me.” His voice broke. Dina sighed and dragged her gaze to his tired face. “I don’t know what’s been going on with you, but I need you to know I’m here for you.” He reached out for her hand and sighed when Dina stayed unresponsive, her hand limp in his hold. “I love you.” Dina opened the door. “I do too, can we just go in?”

She didn’t wait for Jesse to respond before opening the door to Joel’s carpenting shop, which was aptly named ‘Joel’s Carpenting’.

The loud humming of the sander became more prominent, almost painfully so.

And there, in the corner of the shop, wearing an apron and goggles, was Ellie. She had the sander in both hands, making wide sweeps over the flat surface of a dresser. Her ears had bright red noise cancelling head gear. Dina smiled and quietly walked behind her, watching the muscle and bone work underneath her shirt. She had an urge to press her hands flat on the rippling muscle and feel them work. But, like, in a friendly way.

Ellie was so engrossed in her work that she didn’t notice as Dina snuck up behind her. She smiled and shuffled to her right, her other hand tapping her left shoulder. Ellie jumped and threw the machine down, her hands flying to the back of her pocket.

Dina backed up and stared at her. Ellie’s eyes wide, the pupils miniscule. Her breathing was quick and rapid.

“Whoa, whoa! Are you ok?” Dina placates, backing up into the nearest table, the edge hitting her lower back, her hands gripping it.

Ellie puts a hand on her chest and takes in a breath before hanging her head, “Yeah, I’m fine, just fine. Just-just.. A little startled.” Dina walks toward her, watching her face closely. That was a little weird. Maybe Ellie was just a jumpy person.

“You’re a little jumpy, huh?”

Ellie nods and takes the head gear off, “A little.” Her face is pale and the eyebags under her eyes seem dark.

At that moment the door opens again and Jesse walks in. He comes up behind Dina and rests his chin on her head, his hands squeezing Dina’s shoulders. “Hey, are you a new hire?” Dina tried shrugging him off.

“Uh, yeah, you could say that.”

Jesse moves his hands to be around her shoulders now. “Great, I’m working on a deck and I need a professional to do the railing and support beams.”

Ellie nods, quietly moving to the counter and pulling out a huge log book from under the desk. “So, what exactly are you looking for? A contract or supplies or a building model?” Jesse let go of her and walked to the counter, tapping a rhythm on the counter, “I want the whole package. My dad already has the blueprints but he wants a contractor.” He chuckled and scratched at his patchy chin, “But we’re not very good carpenters.” He then flashed a bandaged thumb.

Dina rolled her eyes and walked around the shop. Everything was in order, the tools hung up on the walls, with certifications framed and placed accordingly. Dressers and tables and chairs littered the corners, an old sad banjo playing on the speakers. She skimmed her hands over the dresser Ellie had been working on. She wasn’t too sure how long Ellie had been working on the thing but it looked pretty good. But, she didn’t know shit about carpenting, could’ve been a crap job for all she knew. Dina rounded the store and saw some guitars hung on the walls, another one laying on a table. It was pretty and Dina couldn’t help herself as she ran fingers through the neck. There was a fine etching of a moth, she felt the grooves under her fingers and felt undoubtedly drawn to it.

“Dina, c’mere.” She looked up from the guitar and found Jesse motioning her over. Ellie kept her eyes on the log book, a hand in her pocket.

“What’s up?”

“What do you think would look better, redwood or cedar?”

She shrugged, “I dunno, what does your dad want?”

“Pshh, he put me in charge of the materials. I can choose.”

“Then choose.” She shrugged again.

“I can’t, that’s why I’m asking my girlfriend.”

Ellie scribbled something on the log book and slammed it shut.

“I don’t know, Jesse, why don’t you ask the actual carpenter?” She huffed and crossed her arms.

He could get so annoying sometimes.

“Fine, what do you recommend, uh..”

“Ellie.” Answered Dina.

Jesse gave her a weird glance.

“Do you guys know each other?”

Ellie still refuses to make eye contact with her, “I’d say Redwood. It’s rot and insect proof. And it goes better with the backdrop of the house.” She motioned to the phone on the table “From the pictures you showed me.”

“Uh, yeah, ok. Where is Joel, by the way?” He looped his arm over Dina’s shoulder.

“Day off.”

“Wow, there’s a first time for everything.” He chuckled but no one joined in on the joke. He cleared his throat and pocketed his phone, “When can you swing by, y’know, to look at the deck and get the measurements and..stuff?”

“I’d have to ask Joel..” Ellie sighed and glanced to the back room, “No, that’s fine. I’ll, uh, I’ll swing by this Friday. That work for you?”

“Great! Yeah, I’m here for the holidays so any day works for me. You have the address and my number.” Ellie nodded and slipped her googles back on, walking away from the counter and picking the sander back up. Jesse scratched the back of his head and shrugged.

“I guess that’s it? Wanna go?”

Dina frowned and watched Ellie turn the sander back on. She’d been oddly quiet and dismissive. Not once had she cracked a joke. And for the most part ignored her.

She spared her a glance before being led out by Jesse.


	5. Townies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets pretty graphic in this one

“Are you sure you want to tag along?”

“Uh, fuck yeah? What else am I supposed to do? Be mediator between you and Joel? No fucking thanks.” He scoffed and cracked open a soda.

Ellie tapped the GPS, “Fucking piece of shit.” The screen kept halting and freezing, the robotic feminine voice looping and looping with the ear gratin ‘recalculating’. “Jesus, Andrew, where the fuck did you get this thing?” Andrew just shrugged and gulped down the drink.

“Randy gave it to me-wait a sec,” He punched his chest and let out a worryingly long belch, “After some dude left his car at the shop.” She scoffed and rolled down the window. “You’re so gross.” Andrew laughed and kicked his foot up onto the dash, “You’re one to talk.”

“Get your dirty boots off my dash.”

“You’re such a square.”

By a miracle, Ellie pulled up to the correct residence. It was a nice two story house, picket fence, little red mailbox and a fucked porch up front. The railing had been knocked out, while temporary support beams had been precariously placed to stop the awning from toppling and crushing the entrance. Ellie sighed and rubbed her temples. Joel hadn’t prepared her for the absolute mess that contracting would be.

But, worst of all, Jesse hadn’t told her that they’d started on construction already.

Tools and work tables littered the front yard, a pile of cedar in one corner and blasted wood piled high next to the curb.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I thought we agreed on Redwood?” She muttered, parking next to the driveway.

Andrew sat up and drummed a beat on his jeans, “This the place? They don’t live that far from us.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door.

“Everyone doesn’t live that far from us.” Already she could see movement from the large window.

At least they hadn’t pulled the floor boards and the whole fucking foundation with it, but she still stepped lightly, cringing at the awning and suspiciously eyeing the ‘support beams’ that on closer inspection seemed to be rebar and pvc taped together. Wasn’t the HA group supposed to stop absolute madmen from doing this?

Before she could knock, the door swung open and a grinning Jesse stood there. “Hey, Ellie!” And with a glance at Andrew, “And co!” He ushered them into the kitchen.

The home was warm and cozy, a polar opposite to the blistering cold outside. Pictures lined the walls, awards and ribbons. And Dina. Lots of Jesse and Dina. The kitchen was much smaller but a tasteful counter sat in the middle, mismatching barstools situated right underneath the counter. Atop, a mess of papers and pens and pencils and eraser shavings cluttered it. An old man, a splitting image of her customer, sat at the counter, glasses perched on his nose. He seemed to erase something on the paper, just as he scratched at his balding head.

“Me and Dad have been trying to work the numbers out, but this shit is fucking hard.” The old man picked his head up and glared at Jesse, “Watch your fucking mouth!” He didn’t seem to notice the hypocrisy. Andrew, however, did and chuckled. Jesse raised his hands in surrender and lowered his head, chastised. The old man stood and shook Ellie’s hand, before shaking Andrew’s. “I’m Robin, that there’s my knuckle head Jesse, but you probably already met him.” Ellie nodded her head and saw from her peripheral as Andrew shook his.

Robin motioned to the papers on the counter and shuffled to his side. “I’d hoped to see Joel, we’d been talking about the porch for a while, but Jesse told me he was taking a break.” He rolled a pencil between his fingers and glanced up at Ellie, his glasses sliding lower on his nose, “But you must be his kid. Ellie, right?”

“You must be on the baseball team.”

“How’d you know?”

She fiddled with the zipper on her sweater, “Little birdy told me.”

Jesse clapped his hands together, a smile on his face, “Let’s get down to it, yeah?”

\---

Turned out Jesse was a pretty cool guy.

“And you did what?!” Andrew was laughing his ass off, slapping his legs, chest, and whatever came near his wildly drunk hands. Jesse was no better off, “I-I-I just jumped out of the window!” They burst into laughter, deep belly hollerin’ that the whole community was sure to hear. Ellie chuckled and sipped her lemonade. Andrew had made it clear that she wasn’t touching a drop of alcohol while he was around. Of course, that didn’t apply to him. His pale face was rudy and splotched from the violent laughter.

At first they’d managed to get actual work done. The first three days went plenty well. Ellie got the measurements needed, worked the blue prints out after calling the original architecture and had gotten to work on removing the beams with Andrew’s help. That was until Jesse swaggered out of the house with a cooler filled with beer. He’d been confused as to why Ellie decided to stick with the sickly sweet lemonade but Andrew brushed him off.

Jesse was someone that Ellie could see herself getting along with. He was crass and funny and sarcastic. They’d found themselves having similar interests as well. Well, interests that Ellie at one point really cared about. Now she lugged the knowledge around, no real passion to it.

One of them had been an obscure comic series; Savage Starlight. Jesse himself owned the original second issue while Ellie taunted him with the fact that she had the first. In some moving box. Somewhere in her room. Probably crumpled to shit. But, she didn’t tell him that.

Andrew, as well, got right along with him. But Andrew seemed to get along with just about anyone. He had a bubbly personality that attracted all kinds of people. Jesse included.

“I can’t believe you jumped out of a second floor story just to avoid her dad!” He laughed even louder and spilled beer all over his shirt.

“I think you’ve had enough, Andrew.” She tried to take the bottle from him but he just placed it high and away from her reach.

Is this what other people had to deal with when she got blasted?

“Ellie-Ellie, listen, he jumped out of a second story house to avoid getting caught having sex with..with..”

“Dina.” 

“Yeah, we gotta go. You’re fucked.”

Andrew sighed and put the bottle down, “Fine, fine, I’ll go be a good boy now.” He put the bottle down and laughed when it tipped over.

With the help of Jesse, they got the big bumbling fool into the truck.

Jesse chuckled and stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans to avoid the cold winter breeze. “He’s..uh..something else.” Ellie watched as Andrew struggled to put the seatbelt on, “You don’t know the half of it.” She closed the door. Andrew giggled and started to draw crude penises on the foggy mirrors.

“Hey, I’m sorry about getting your friend wasted. Dude just got funnier the more he drank.”

“Don’t worry about it. Andrew can usually handle his liquor. He must like you.” She walked around the truck and Jesse followed.

“I’m flattered. But, really, now you have to deal with a drunk, and those are the absolute worst.” She clenched her jaw. He didn’t know. He didn’t know.

“Let me make it up to you guys. I know that hangover is going to be brutal.” Ellie got into the truck and rolled down the window. Jesse leaned on the sill, just like Dina had all those weeks ago. Dina. Dina. Dina. She had to forget that name. And that face. And those lips. And that smile.

“My dad is holding this little get together in two days, and I was hoping to formally invite you. Joel already has been but I’m not sure if he told you guys about it.” Ellie hummed and turned the truck on. “He didn’t say anything, but I’ll see what I can do.”

Jesse smiled and knocked on the sill, “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.” He then pointed to Andrew, who, by then, had fallen asleep, “Bring this guy too.” Ellie nodded and waited for Jesse to back up before pulling away.

She probably wasn’t going to go.

Andrew mumbled something and shifted in his seat. He reeked of alcohol and Ellie felt herself itch. Her throat was parched. Her fingers tingled. The cold permeated her flesh. She could feel the undulations of her throat as the spit went down. Her body was chanting for it.

Aching for it.

Everything hurt, everything would always hurt.

\---

The kids had been restless recently.

The jumping and screaming, that was usually at a manageable six, had been ramped up to a ten. She loved the little tots to death, but, right now, she wouldn’t complain if a sinkhole grew right from under them and sucked them all up.

The usual bribes of goldfish and movies hadn’t worked. Now they ran around, knocking stuff over, making a mess of everything that came in their path. Dina was four tylenols in and the headache only seemed to grow. A ‘guy’s can you please shut the fuck up???’ was so close from leaving her mouth.

Dina put her head down and covered her ears with her hands. If only these kids had someone to take their energy out on. A gangly someone, with strong arms and bright green eyes. Ughhhh, she gripped her hair and lightly banged her head on the table. 

So many things were pilling on her.

Work was becoming more stressful. With an influx of outsiders coming for the holidays, both the electronics store and the daycare were filling up. She was pulling over time from both jobs, and barely had any time for herself. And when she did get home, she had to tend to her mom, and then have Talia hound her, followed by Jesse. And she had absolutely no output for this frustration! She couldn’t yell at the kids, that was just fucked up (Even if some of them did deserve a good scolding) And she had no one to talk to! Talia had her studies, her mom was already overburdened with pain and discomfort, how would her daughter’s complaining help? Jesse had been working on that stupid fucking deck, and even if he did have time, he was a part of her frustration as well. Most of her friends were in college or busy with their own families, and had no time for her.

And Ellie!

She couldn’t get her damn mind off of that godforsaken woman!

She’d come in, broken the monotony of her life, and disappeared!

Dina hadn’t seen hide nor hair of the woman since that awkward encounter at Joel’s shop.

Her head banged more solidly on the table, but the screaming didn’t seize.

She was stuck in an invisible cage, and she’d swallowed the key! But the fucking thing wasn’t coming down either! It was firmly lodged in the pits of her stomach and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do!

She quickly glanced at the Elmo clock on the wall and sighed. Thank god. Only twenty more minutes and these little fuck- uh, precious children, could go back with their parents.

Her phone rang.

She dug into her pocket and saw Jesse’s name flashing on the screen. An urge to hang up over took her, but a glance towards a kid stuffing an eraser up his nose made her reconsider. Anything to distract her from the children would do.

“Hey, Jesse.”

“Hey, babe, how’re you?” She glanced around the room, kids punching each other and throwing books around the room, goldfish littering the carpet.

“Just dandy.”

“That’s great, babe. Just wanted to call you to remember you that my dad has that thing tomorrow and I want to introduce you to some cool cats.” She sighed at his outdated slang. That ‘The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air’ VHS tape was getting burned.

“Yeah, sounds good. What time?” Anything to get her away from her life at the moment sounded good.

“It’s at five. Bring your snazziest dress.” Something was definitely getting burned.

“Sure. Hey, I gotta go, Jesse.” Some kid was bawling on the floor after getting socked in the mouth.

“Ok, I love y-” She hung up and ran to the kid, bandaids in hand.

\---

Dina was not wearing a dress.

She stared at herself in the mirror. The jeans and red blouse looked just fine. Her boots were a nice addition too. It was way too cold for a dress anyway.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go, mom” Dina grabbed her keys.

“No. The funny man is on TV.” Conan O’Brien was on screen shaking his head back and forward, foaming at the mouth.

“Uh.. ok, Mom. I’ll see you later tonight.” She closed and locked the door.

—

Jesse’s place was moderately packed. It was much warmer and brighter, winter taking more and more hours from the day.

Robin and his wife greeted her enthusiastically, pointing her in the direction of her boyfriend while they chatted with some of the older community members.

Samantha was there, nursing a bottle of beer, flushed from the cold outside or the heat inside or the beer she didn’t know, but her friend Cat was with her. Cat owned a tattoo parlor near town hall, she herself was covered in colorful ink, probably designed by her own hand. Dina thought that Cat stood out too much, the small Wyoming town living wasn’t much for her, and, from the few times that they’d spoken, Cat thought the same.

“Hey, Dina! You made it!” Samantha was sloshed. She never could handle her alcohol.

Dina gave her one of those awkward side hugs and smiled at Cat.

“Don’t worry about her, her brother is somewhere in here. Actually,” Cat looked around and spotted who she was looking for, “He’s with Jesse talking to the new townies.”

And sure enough, Jesse was chatting it up with Ellie and some randos. Dina felt her breath catch in her throat.

She stood with such casual confidence, a hand in her pocket, the other holding a drink. Her hair tied up in a loose bun at the back of her head, those sharp shoulders covered in a faded green flannel. And her face, tired and passive. Her eyes, green and sad and intelligent.

Dina found herself transfixed on those eyes.

And her shy crooked smile.

Cat nudged her after she’d been silently staring for a while, “The new girl’s pretty cute.” Dina side eyed her and felt a surge of anger. Cat could be so annoying sometimes. “I’m one hundred percent sure she’s a lesbian.” She grinned, almost feline esque and motioned for the girls to follow.

Dina didn’t need any convincing.

She ignored Jesse and sidled up next to Ellie, knocking into her softly, “Hey, stranger. Long time no see.” Ellie swirled around what looked like fruit punch, “Been pretty busy.” Dina hummed and stole her drink, downing it in one swig and grimacing at the lack of alcohol, “You are over twenty one, right?” She laughed and put the cup down on a nearby table.

Ellie stares at her, those deep sad eyes piercing right into the mushy malleable parts of her, “That was my fucking drink, you dick.” Dina gave her a mock frown and crossed her arms, “I forgot how fucking rude you were.” Ellie picked the cup back up, smiling shyly, “You have no idea.” She motioned to the makeshift bar in the kitchen, in invitation. Dina nodded and grabbed her arm.

To guide her.

To the kitchen.

What? There were a lot of people there.

Her arms were sturdy, sinewy and corded. Dina had to stop from subconsciously pinching and rubbing the muscle under her fingers. That’d be strange. Her boyfriend was there.

“I hope you’ll put some actual liquor in that cup this time.” 

Ellie shrugged again, “I could spice it up for you.” She grabbed a V8 bottle and the fruit punch, pouring them in simontaniously. Dina gaped at her, “Uh, what the fuck are you doing?” She asked in a high pitched voice.

“I call it a Bloody Mary without Vodka or tomato juice.” She took a healthy gulp of the sugar concoction.

“I hate you so much right now.” Ellie smiled at her and drank some more.

Dina couldn’t stand this anymore.

“How about I show you how a master does it?” She took Ellie’s now empty cup and placed it on the table.

“Don’t tell me you’re also a mixologist.”

“Pshh, no, but I was a college student.” She grabbed the Vodka, triple sec, cranberry juice and fetched a lemon from the fridge, “They called me Cosmo Dina back at the dorms.” Ellie guffawed, “Are you serious?” Dina rolled her eyes and eyeballed the measurements, “No, but they might as well have. I make the meanest Cosmo out there.” She grabbed a small plate and placed it over the glass, grabbing the makeshift shaker and agitated the contents.

Ellie watched her. Her gaze burned, like performing in front of judges, their stares stoic and passive but their scores unforgiving, hands scribbling on clipboards. She found she liked the attention. Dina could perform, she could always perform.

She tilted her head at Ellie, smiling, and took a sip of the drink. It was alright. Not her best work but it would do. “Why don’t you give it a try?” She crowded Ellie’s space, the glass between their chests. She watched as Ellie’s neck gulped. There was perspiration on her temple. “I really shouldn’t.” She whispered hoarsely. Dina only took another sip, “It’s not half bad.”

Ellie huffed, looked around, and took the cup. Dina watched the apprehension in her eyes and wondered what the deal was. Did Ellie not like alcohol? Was she making her uncomfortable? Before it reached her lips, Dina grabbed the bottom of the glass and brought it down, “Hey, I’m not forcing you to do anything, ok? You can say no.” Ellie gave her one of those crooked smiles, “You’re not forcing me.” And downed half the cup in one go.

“Jesus, Ellie, go easy. That’s some serious liquor.”

“I have a crazy high tolerance.”

“Oh, really?” Dina watched her intently. “How ‘bout a friendly wager?” This was fun. “I bet I could out drink you.”

Ellie scoffed, “You? Out drink me? You’re tiny.” She finished the drink.

“Um, you’re taller by like three inches. Don’t get all high and mighty.”

“Three inches of extra alcohol.” She started to fill the cup with straight Vodka. “Let’s make it even. I’ll give you a head start.” She downed the cup and grinned. Dina huffed and filled the same cup. As she drank from it she remembered the lips that had touched the rim of the cup. Who would blame her for taking her time?

Dina kept her eye contact. Ellie was already flush from the alcohol, her cheeks and ears coloring at an alarming rate. Dina finished the drink, grimacing at the burning sensation and after taste left on her tongue, but smacking her lips nonetheless. She wasn’t letting Ellie one up her.

Ellie looked around, hands deep in her pockets, “Why don’t we take this competition outside?” Again, she glanced around. Dina shrugged, grabbing the bottle and pulling Ellie along. This time, she squeezed the taut flesh under her palms.

She opened the patio door and giggled.

This was fun.

—

Ellie couldn’t be happier right now.

She was pleasantly buzzed and listening to Dina ramble about some parent from the daycare.

“I just hate this bitch soooooo much.” Ellie hummed and sipped from the bottle. They were sitting on a swinging chair next to a pile of lumber, plenty far from the party. She was so close, they were so close. So warm.

Dina hiccuped and Ellie giggles. Dina takes a breath and starts to giggle as well, “Shut-shut up, I’m trying to tell you something!” She laughs again and slaps Ellie’s thigh. The hand stays there. Ellie drinks more, trying to hide the gasp.

“This freaking lady drops her kid off at like seven and picks him up at around three. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. She reminds me of her son’s allergies, as if the daycare didn’t keep records of that shit.” She takes the bottle from Ellie’s hand, squeezing the other. “I can name them to you, if you want.” She takes a drink and passes it back to her. “No way you memorized that crap.” Ellie finishes the bottle and tosses it on the grass and snow where it softly thumps and rolls away. Dina sits up and positions herself so that their eyes meet head on, “Peanuts, dust, chocolate, fleece, cotton, polyester, shrimp, crab, gluten, and paint thinner.” Ellie stares at her, those big pretty brown eyes, and bursts into laughter, her head pushing into Dina’s shoulder. Dina laughs as well and holds the back of her head in place. In a weird and warm and intimate and sloppy hug of sorts.

“I have no fucking clue what that kid wears!” There are tears in her eyes, but Ellie can’t stop the onslaught of giggles and belly hollering.

“He’s allergic to everything!” That just eggs them on, the laughter never ending.

“How did she even figure out he was allergic to paint thinner?”

Ellie sits up, head dizzy and throat warm. She has half a mind to pull out her flask when the door opens and the lights come on.

Ellie squints and shields her eyes from the bright lights. Dina lets go of her and scoots further down the bench.

“Dina? Ellie?” It was Jesse.

They both groaned. Ellie raised a brow and looked to her companion. That was her boyfriend.

Jesse was Dina’s boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Ellie got up on unsteady feet, stumbling a couple times before reaching the threshold of the door, Jesse sniffed her and grimaced, “Uh, Andrew told me about..” He paused and scratched the back of his neck, “Joel and Andrew are waiting for you outside.” Ellie frowned. 

“I’m-I’m fuckin’-I’m fucking fine.” Her words were slurred and jumbled. Jesse offered a hand and she swatted it away, “‘M fine.” She glanced back at Dina.

Her form was hunched on the bench. Unmoving and meek. Ellie could see her flushed cheeks but her eyes didn’t reach her own. Ellie scoffed and stumbled out of the empty house. Her mind was fuzzy and her mouth was dry, but, like, where the fuck was everyone? She hiccuped and pushed through the front door.

Joel was waiting for her next to her truck, Andrew in the driver’s seat.

“Get in the truck, Ellie.” He had his no nonsense tone on. Which meant his everyday tone.

“You-you can’t tell me what to-to fucking do!” Ellie pointed her finger at him and steadied herself, feet apart for balance.

“You’re drunk outta your damn mind, Ellie! Just get in the truck for Christ’s sake!” He stepped closer and she backed up. Her brain was foggy and the movement made her vision swim and her legs get twisted up but she managed to keep the distance.

“I ain’t even a little dru-drunks-drunk.” She nodded at herself. Nailed it.

“Please, Ellie, you’re making a scene.”

Ellie looked around, the movement almost making her throw up, but saw no one around ‘cept Andrew, “There’s no one out here, old-old man.” She took another step back. It happened to take her balance and she went careening backwards, her ass hitting the ice covered asphalt. 

“Look what you made me fucking do.” She whispered, feeling the cold seep through her jeans and onto her ass.

Joel walked over to her and held a hand out, she swatted it away and tried to stand on unsteady legs. Every time her feet got under her, and she let go of the floor, she’d go flying back to the ground. Fuck gravity. Fuck physics and fuck that guy Newton. Joel again sighed and grabbed her by the shoulders, pulling her to her feet effortlessly.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” She pushed at his chest. His eyes were dark. Swimming in an emotion that her brain couldn’t comprehend. Her eyes, on the other hand, burned. An inexplicable feeling pooling deep in her gut. It felt like desperation, clawing deep inside her, shredding her organs into a bloody pulp, a call to action. Her flesh prickled and burned, but Ellie didn’t know what it meant.

She had long stopped knowing what she wanted.

Joel stood still, his hands at his sides, his head tilted down, but those sorrowful eyes, they tracked her. Like lasers they followed her pupils. The eyes that had shown her love, picked her up when she had no one.

She hated those fucking eyes.

“Ellie, please.” His voice cracked. The stoic bravado cracking every second that they stood on a foreign driveway.

“I can’t do this, Joel.” Her words felt thick in her throat.

“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout.” He warned her.

But she knew and he knew. And Andrew knew.

“I’ve done horrible thing-things.” Her eyes swam.

Joel inched forward, arms still at his sides, “Ellie, they were just orders. We all followed them.” Andrew got out of the car. Ellie flinched at the slammed door.

Her hands shook. She could smell the burning petrol and plastic. It rained on her flesh, coloring them all in clack tar. The helmets, the uniforms, the packs, the boots, the rifles, her blood soaked hands. Her fingers.

“Horrible things.” She looked at the nubs on her hand.

Feet invaded her vision. Heavy boots. No laces. Held together with duct tape. Dirty with packed and wet sand.

Black sand.

Ellie looked up, the eyes weren’t hazel and wise and stern, but dark and wide and youthful. And scared. Scared. Scared.

Her heart skipped a beat and she backed up, her feet getting caught up on a flower pot, crashing to the ground. Her hands slammed on the ground, stinging pain running up her arms, warm liquid running down her forearms. Her breath was quick and erratic and she couldn’t get enough fucking oxygen into her lungs!

“Get the fuck away from me!” She reached into her pocket and pulled out the switchblade, swinging it wildly, to and fro, “I fucking killed you!”

That fucking face.

That-that kid! That kid that she killed! Gangly and scruffy. With long messy dirty hair, clothes a mess of black oil and blood, torn here and there, he only advanced. He wouldn’t trick her.

No, she knew he had been reaching for that rifle, she’d watched as those fingers skimmed the scuffed buttstock of the rifle. She’d watched as he gurgled blood around her fingers, as the hot liquid poured around her fisted hands, and the darkened metal of the knife, and pooled onto the sand below.

She’d watched him die, she’d killed him.

She’d pulled that knife out and gone for seconds.

“Got you, motherfucker.”

He was just a kid.

“Please, I killed you!” Her hands shook and the knife fell. Oxygen wouldn’t reach her throat. No matter how much she pulled, it seemed that her body only pushed. She was choking, and her hands shook, and she could hear the fucking tremors!

Ellie balled up, her limbs as close to her body, her hands locked behind her head.

She couldn’t take this anymore.

“God! Just fucking kill me! Just fucking end this, please!” Her throat burned and her head throbbed.

But.

The sharp brutal pain never came.

The vengeful burn of stab wounds never pierced her flesh and muscle, knocking into bone, scratching it. Blood never pooled from the unstitchable wounds. Only warmth.

Warm and steady and almost painful pressure enveloped her. Ellie tried to trash around, pushing the attacker from her, panic rising to her throat, screams escaping her throat. But, the warmth didn’t let go.

Wood and smoke and cologne invaded her senses. Not the metallic smell of blood, or chemical stench of burned oil, or the repugnant odor of burning bodies. But cologne. Cheap cologne from a convenience store.

“Ellie, oh god, baby girl.” The voice sobbed. And it wasn’t youthful Arabic, angry and incomprehensible, but pained English, twanging in an unmistakable accent.

“Please…” She hoarsely pleaded. 

Joel hugged her tighter, soothing a large hand over her hair.

“Please.” Her body was picked up and the warmth of a car enveloped her, Joel climbing in next to her.

The mumbling of voices, and the lurching movement of a vehicle.

“Please, end this.”

And more sobbing.


	6. Margarita for kids?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are these updates too long? Also, if you leave a comment I will literally drop on one knee and propose. Wife y’all up.

“I think you know her.”

“No, I don’t really.”

“Why are you lying to me?”

Dina sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose, “Look, she came to the store once. I know her as a customer.”

“Do you usually get wasted with your customers?”

Dina slammed her hand on the counter, a customer sparing her a worried glance, “We were both drunk. What? I can’t make friends?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say. I know her too, I just thought that we could do, like, a friend group kind of thing.”

“Why do we have to share everything? Why can’t I have one thing that you don’t monopolize immediately?” She huffed and paced around the small space behind the counter.

“I thought you didn’t know her.”

“Does it fucking matter, Jesse? Is this why you called me? To argue with me at work?” She was already beyond frustrated. Her head throbbed and her back hurt. The customer eyed her again and she couldn’t help but frown back. Mind your fucking business.

“I called to check up on you after you just walked home without saying a damn word!” She could hear that he’d started to pace as well.

“What do you want me to say, Jesse?! ‘I’m sorry I got drunk and did something stupid’ or ‘I’ll always turn to you in my time of need, fuck my independence’ huh? Is that what you want to hear?” She watched the customer leave the store.

“What the fuck is going on with you? I just want to be there for you, Dina, and you just keep pushing me away. I’m your boyfriend!” He groaned on the other side and she could hear his heavy steps on the patio. Dina rubbed at her face again and took a deep breath in.

She couldn’t do this.

She couldn’t do this anymore.

“Look, Dina, I’m sorry I upset you. Can we just please talk tonight? Let me come over and we can fix this.” He pleaded. She picked at an old sticker on the counter. How long had it been there? It was warped and old and barely staying together, the image of a cartoonish watermelon barely discernible. How many times had she pushed the sticker back onto the counter? To keep it from coming free and flying off with a breeze, from some passerby, some customer? Maybe she should’ve pulled it off herself a long time ago.

“I…” She pushes the ugly little sticker back on the counter, the curling corners sticking back onto the surface, “Sure.”

“Thank you. I love you, Dina.”

“Yeah, me… me too.” She hung up and rested her head on the counter.

The sticker curled again.

Dina only pushed it down further.

That ugly little thing was a constant. It had been new and vibrant when she came to the store. It had memories. She wasn’t going to just throw it away.

The sticker would stay.

—-

They wouldn’t let her out.

Joel was sitting on his rocking chair, sipping coffee and reading some paper back. Keeping an eye on her garage. Like a prison guard. He’d just need to haul out his rifle and clip that humongous key ring of his to his belt and the picture would be complete.

Andrew had gone through her room, cleared all her shit. Cupboards and dressers and night tables and boxes, all cleared. She’d been in a bit of a delirious state of sleep and shouting when he’d gone in and bagged anything in a bottle, or anything that didn’t look legal. She wasn’t ready to talk to him about what he'd found. Andrew only knew about the drinking.

She didn’t even know how much Joel knew now.

She didn’t want to know.

Currently she was swaddled in a blanket on her couch, watching the tv, but not watching. Her body was cold and her hands shook. The flask was empty. So empty.

Ellie huffed and turned the tv off. Nothing good was on.

The clock ticked. Her ears buzzed. The wind howled. Metal on her roof groaned.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

TickTickTickTick.

She reached for her phone. Andrew had sent her a picture of an exhaust pipe with a pocket pussy shoved inside.

No other notifications.

She went on the web.

Her fingers hovered over the search bar.

Eugene’s Den.

Search.

Her fingers and hands shook. She sniffed and scratched at the sore on her forehead. It was open. An unflattering picture of the storefront showing on the front page. Ellie’s finger hovered over the images. She sniffed and clicked it. She scratched the sore.

A picture of the workers posing was the next picture. Old and grainy, some bearded fella standing in the middle of a group of smiling teenagers. She swiped. The same man, older and grayer. More workers. She sniffed. She swiped. The picture looked better. More teenagers, pimple faced, greasy faced, crooked toothed.

She swiped and sniffed and scratched at the sore. Pictures of electronics. From stacks of floppy disks and boxy white computers to slim usbs in too big packages and sleek monitors. More faces. Unrecognizable.

She swiped.

And stopped.

Dark hair, big brown eyes, blinding smile.

She sniffed and scratched the sore. It bled.

“Fuck me.” Her fingers were covered in blood. Something was wrong. It wouldn’t stop. She wiped at it and it kept coming. “Fuck me.” She repeated. It trickled down her temple. Ellie stared at the picture and felt dirty. Her skin prickled. The blood tickled her burning skin.

She exited the picture.

And saw the number.

Bright blue and taunting. Would she answer? What could she say? Maybe she could try to apologize for the Vodka watergate incident.

It would only be the right thing to do.

She pressed the call button.

And

Hung up.

Ellie huffed and dragged a shaky hand down her face. Blood smeared all over her face. “Fuck me.” She mumbled and got up. She stumbled on shaky legs to the sink. The blood trickled onto the metallic sink.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Ellie didn’t dare look at her reflection.

She turned the tap on and watched the blood swirl. Dark red to a soft pink. The blood just kept coming, mixing with the cold water. She splashed it on her face. What the fuck was going on? Ellie huffed and slapped a hand on the mirror, blocking her view from her own eyes. The sore. The sore was larger and oozing. That’s a lot of blood.

She grabbed some cotton from the drug cabinet and taped the wad to her temple.

She went back to the couch. Her legs were bare. In just boxers and a tank top, she shook but she wasn’t terribly cold now. Just vibrating in anticipation or nerves or-or-or thirst.

She was so thirsty.

Ellie grabbed her gallon of water and chugged. It wouldn’t satiate her thirst. But it would fill her stomach. And maybe take her mind off of the urge.

It wouldn’t.

She stared at her phone. Silent, sleek, black.

She stared and stared and finally picked it up. She dialed again.

It rang twice and someone picked up, “Howdy, this is Eugene’s Den electronics, how can we help you?” It wasn’t Dina.

“Uh, yeah, just, um, just wanted to ask if Dina was around.” She could hear shuffling from the other side.

“Sorry, she went home early today.” The woman shushed someone on the other side. “But we can help you with any other inquiries.” She supplied helpfully. A hushed ‘Who is it?’ Was asked by the other person there. “If you don’t mind, could you provide your first name? So we can let Dina know what customer needed her assistance.”

Ellie sighed and hesitated, “Uh, Ellie. Do you know when she’ll be back?”

“Sure, hon. She should be back tomorrow. Ellie, was it?” More hushed talking from the other side. “Ellie from the party?” Ellie groaned and let her head hang, “Yup, same Ellie.” The voice from the other side was feminine. There was a quick sound of movement, like a struggle for the phone, “Hey, Ellie! I’m Cat.” Ellie hummed.

“We met at the party last night. Briefly. You kinda disappeared and we left early. We didn’t have a chance to chat.” Her voice almost purred. Ellie scratched at her nose, “Sorry, don’t remember.” The line went quiet and a distant laugh was heard.

“Maybe I can refresh your memory?”

Ellie grunted and kicked her feet up on the table. There was a caterpillar inching over her tv. When did it get in? Were caterpillars even a thing in winter? Shouldn’t it be dead?

“Why don’t you come give me a knock at the tattoo parlor on Main? It’s the best one in all of Jackson.” A quick ‘only one in Jackson’ was shouted in by the original voice. “Ignore her.”

“Sure.” Ellie could do with ignoring anyone.

“Great! Why don’t you come by tomorrow?”

Wait what?

“No, I meant-“ There was a struggle for the phone again. “Sorry ‘bout that, Ellie, some customers here have zero manners.” Ellie sat up and touched the cotton on her head. It was soaked. What the fuck was up with that? Why wasn’t the bleeding stopping?

“Hello?”

“Oh, uh, yeah?” She fumbled with the phone, putting it back to her ear.

“I asked what the message for Dina was?”

Ellie prodded the cotton again and felt the warm trickles of blood crawl down her face, “Uh, just tell her to call me back. When she can.”

“Sure can do-“ Ellie hung up and tossed the phone on the couch. She got up and opened the door to the blistering cold and howling winds.

Joel was still sitting there. Book in hand, steaming cup not so steamy.

“Joel!”

He picked his head up and stood up.

“Something’s wrong!”

He ran over to her, book and cup forgotten.

—-

Everything was so predictable.

Dina was so predictable.

Jesse was so predictable.

Everything was so fucking predictable.

They’d ended up having angry sex again. They didn’t talk shit out at all. Dina was angry and frustrated and she couldn’t get her mind off of Ellie so when Jesse kissed her she grabbed the back of his head and kissed him back. All teeth and nails and clenched eyes. Ellie and that foul mouth, Ellie and those infuriating eyes, Ellie and that laid back slick demeanor, Ellie and that raspy voice. Fucking Ellie and her Ellie-ness.

Why couldn’t Jesse just let them talk longer? Why did Ellie just leave out of the blue?

Why did she clam up when confronted by Jesse?

Her mind was foggy on the memory, but she’d been arguing with Jesse for what felt like hours when she left the house. Ellie was gone. And in her anger, she walked home. It wasn’t that far from Jesse’s but the cold made it feel like a marathon.

Her mom had been conked out by the time she stumbled in, and Dina only had enough energy to curl up next to her.

Yesterday she’d gone to work and left early to deal with Jesse. Today she watched some meatball movie with the kids.

It was a nice reprieve from their constant screeching.

There was huge food on the tv and that seemed to satiate their violent little hearts. Maybe she could pop that bad boy in everyday and enjoy a nice quiet day.

Soon the parents came for the kids and Dina hurried over to the Den. Eugene wasn’t there today so it was up to Dina to handle closing. Samantha was already lounging on the corner when she came in, rolling a marble between her flicking fingers.

“Hey, Sam. You can go home now, Dina is here.” She tiredly splayed her arms out. Samantha chuckled and picked her bag up from under the counter, ready to go, “My liberator!” She put a faint hand to her forehead.

Dina rolled her eyes and smiled. Sunday’s tended to be slow and the old timers would most likely be raving at the house of worship, so she was cleared for a nap or a solid hour of the weather channel. The, uh, nap sounded much more riveting.

“You going home after this?” She put down her bag on the table.

“No, actually, I’m going to wing-man for Cat at the parlor.” She groaned good naturedly and started to walk away.

Dina pulled out a book from her bag and placed the rest of her stuff under the counter, “Oh, god, who’s Cat hounding now?” Sam chuckled and leant on the door, “Oh, that girl Ellie from the party.”

Dina paused and stared at Sam. What did she mean? Ellie and Cat? Her heart hammered and she found herself clenching her fists. What the fuck did Cat want with Ellie? Did they even know each other? Cat was so fucking annoying sometimes. She took a deep breath in. It was because she cared for Ellie, a little, and Cat wasn’t exactly the best of influences.

“Oh, and she called yesterday, wanted to talk to you. Ok, I gotta go!” And she flew out the window, her blonde ponytail trailing behind her quick form.

Dina gasped and flew to the phone. It flashed in intermittent little red pulses. Then she opened the log book beside it and traced the names and numbers with her index.

Down down down.

Ellie!

There was a comment; Wants to speak with Dina.

Her heart skipped a beat. It was exciting, different. She wanted to talk to her, get to know her. Dina wanted to be involved in her mystery, have those sad eyes on her, that mouth speaking to her, that crooked smile directed at her.

Before getting too into her own head she decided to dial back. After all, it was technically her job to do so. A customer needed some sort of help, the only thing Dina could do was bend to their every whim. Customer support. And all.

It rang once.

“Oh, uh, hey-hey, is this the electronic store?”

Dina smiled and bit her lip.

“Don’t tell me you saved the number to your contacts.” There was quiet buzzing from the other line.

“No-no, just...just a lucky guess.” Ellie awkwardly chuckled and chatter was heard from the other side.

“The luckiest.”

Ellie chuckled again, the buzzing continued, “You have no idea…” her voice was quiet and rough. “Oh! Dina, I-I wanted to apologize for the other night. I…” She hesitated and more chatter was heard on the other side.

Dina frowned, “No, I actually had a really good time. Did you not feel the same way?”

“No!” The line crackled. Dina felt her face heat up. Shame or anger or embarrassment, it didn’t matter. She huffed, “No need to shout it, I get it.” There was a commotion on the other side. “Cat, please stop for a second. No, Dina, I didn’t mean it like that. I had a good-good time with you as well.” There was hesitation again. Dina didn’t feel any better. “I just- I have a problem. With- with myself… sometimes. And,” She groaned, “It gets in the way of me enjoying and- I…” Dina heard the struggle of leather as someone stood up, brisk footsteps following, “I just want to say that…” She groaned again, an irritable growl coming from the other line. Dina looked around the store and worried her lip.

“I really like hanging out with you!” And much quieter, “Is what I mean to say.” Dina put her fist under her chin and leant onto the counter, “What a coincidence.” But the memories of the party resurfaced as well as many questions.

“Why’d you just leave? You didn’t even say goodbye.” A customer walked into the store. Luckily they went directly to the wall with the chargers.

Ellie huffed again, “It’s kinda what I want to apologize for.”

It had been kind of a dick move. Ellie had left her to fend for the wolves on her own. And by wolves she meant single wolf. And by wolf she meant her boyfriend. That wasn’t fair. He had been worried. And grating. But, he loved her, and she loved him, right? Dina sighed, why were things so complicated?

“Don’t worry about it.” The customer came up to the counter. Sonuvabitch.

“But I do. That was a dickhead move.”

“You could make it up to me?”

“Oh… yeah, yeah, I can do that.” Dina could hear the smile in her voice.

Dude had three android charges. Who buys three android chargers? She rang him up and bagged the three android chargers. Weird guy.

“Ok, how ‘bout the Tipsy Bison, this Friday at eight?” There was more commotion on the other side. Dina heard Cat and frowned. She knew Ellie was at the parlor, but how close was Cat? Hopefully Ellie wasn’t there to get a tattoo. Getting Cat’s hands all over her, feeling her uninked flesh and the rippling muscle below. Tattoos were distasteful.

It wasn’t a sentiment that she’d ever felt until then.

They were an eyesore. And she hoped Ellie wasn’t going in there to get groped… and to get a tattoo.

Very distasteful.

“Um, Cat? Yeah, Cat’s asking if she can come?” More commotion and shouting, “And Sam.” Dina groaned and pawed at her face. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

“Yeah, sounds good.” She gritted out. What. The. Fuck.

“Maybe… we can hang out.”

“We are?”

“No, like, alone. Just us. Like- like friends of course, ‘cause of Jesse. Or just, no, that doesn’t make any sense. I’m fucking rambling.”

Dina colored and clenched her eyes shut. Jesse.

“Ok, yeah, ok.” It didn’t answer anything. But it wasn’t like Dina could answer a damn thing either way. She didn’t know how.

“Ok, I guess this is a goodbye?” Dina smiles at her awkwardness, her eyes falling to the sticker. It was ugly. So fucking ugly. One day.

One day.

“Yeah, it sure is, stranger. Smell ya later.” She heard the laughter from Ellie and hung up before the phone fused to her ear forever and that voice would eternally echo in the chambers of her left ear.

One day.

—-

Cat was very touchy.

Like, all up on her touchy.

The second Cat had told her she owned a tattoo parlor in town Ellie jumped. She’d always wanted a tattoo. They were plenty pleasing to the eye, and held a certain significance to each individual person.

But, her reasons weren’t quite as inspiring or meaningful.

She just wanted to cover up a part of her that no longer existed. A part she wanted to forget.

Her fingers inched under the flannel, up her wrist and onto the gnarled flesh of the chemical burn. It was cold enough that people didn’t question her attire, but, when summer inevitably came, she wouldn’t be able to handle the sweltering heat, not like she’d done in Boston, not like she’d done in Afghanistan. She would get rid of that memory forever.

Before she knew it, she’d driven to the parlor. The interior was dark and bright at the same time. The walls were black and red, covered to the brim with sketches and finished tattoos and pictures of body parts with paint on them, but the ceiling fans overhead kept from anything going on the actual ceiling or too high up on the wall. There had been one guy when Ellie walked in. Getting an Irish clove on his ass cheek.

It reminded her of Dina.

Well, the Irish clove, because of the pot of gold she drew at the daycare. Not the ass cheek. No, Dina had a much better ass.

Ellie and Cat had talked tattoos, and the entire time Cat touched her knee, her shoulder, the base of her neck. Ellie had clenched her jaw and avoided eye contact.

They would meet again the next day to work out the design.

At the moment, Cat was leading her to the Tipsy Bison. Her arm was looped around Ellie’s and her hot breath tickled her ear. Very touchy.

Everything seemed so close on Main, the only need for a vehicle would be if you were drunk or a farmer.

“Hey, what happened up here?” Cat touched under the gauze on her forehead. “I just noticed.” She’d had it on since the scare with Joel. Ellie shrugged and watched her breath float up into the atmosphere. Up and up and up. All the way to the streetlights.

Cat hummed, “Up here, take a left.”

The Tipsy Bison… looked a lot like a bar.

“I thought you said this place was a diner?” Ellie stopped in front. Her feet were stiff and her throat bobbed. Joel wouldn’t want her here. She told him it was a diner. Because that’s what fucking Cat told her.

“I mean, it serves food, yeah, it’s a diner.” She shrugged and stepped around her, a curious raise to her brow. Ellie frowned, her hands clenching to fists.

“You didn’t tell me it was a fucking bar.” Cat laughed, her voice nice and warm and so fucking infuriating. She had said it was a fucking diner. Diner!

“Babe, this place is called the Tipsy Bison. You didn’t think this was going to be some Mom and Pop shop, did you?” She got close again, grabbing the hand not in Ellie’s pocket. Ellie calmed herself down and took a breath. It wasn’t Cat’s fault. It was pretty stupid of her to think Tipsy wasn’t some kind of nod to getting sloshed.

“If you want, we can go somewhere else.”

It was tempting. There would be alcohol everywhere, drinks on tray, on tap, from spigots. It made her throat itch. But, Dina had invited her, she couldn’t just stand her up.

Samantha was already there, from what Cat told her. She wouldn’t be alone. Not entirely.

It was freezing outside but her skin was slicking with sweat.

Just in and out.

“It’s fine, let’s just go.”

Cat squeezed her arm and led her through the doors.

The music inside was loud. Folky and upbeat, the people inside having shed their coats to either dance around or mingle about the bar. Lots of cowboy boots too.

Dina and co were sitting in a boot in the far corner. Co included Sam and Jesse. Ellie nodded and walked over to the booth.

Sam scooted over and Ellie ended up sandwiched between her and Cat. Dina on the other side wasn’t looking too happy, but she offered a tight lipped smile. It was probably the loud atmosphere that was draining her mood.

“Ellie! Cat! How’re you guys?” Jesse was all smiles, an order of fries between him and Dina. Ellie couldn’t help but smile, he had a bit of an infectious demeanor.

“We’re doing pretty well.” She squeezed Ellie’s arm again, “What about you guys?”

Jesse looked at Dina who was looking the opposite of fine, “Just dandy.”

“Thanks for asking guys. I'm also doing great.” Sam crossed her arms and raised a brow at Cat. Cat only laughed and reached a hand over Ellie to punch Sam’s shoulder. “Gee, sorry you attention gobblin. Just to satiate your attention hunger; How are you?” Sam rolled her eyes but brightened immediately, “Actually, I have something to tell you guys.” That seemed to get Dina out of her stupor, and she rested her arms on the table, leaning forward. 

Ellie didn’t really know these people that well, aside from Dina, but they seemed to be taking well to her. Mostly she stayed quiet around them, and they talked miles around her, but she guessed it was nice that they were including her in these things. Even if it had only been an invitation from Dina, and everyone else tagged along.

Sam waited for all eyes to be on her before continuing, “I met a guy.”

Dina laughed and Jesse scoffed, “Really, Sam? You meet a guy, like, every week. You’re boy crazy.” Cat laughed and nodded, “Yeah, you get super into them and then dump them.” Sam gave them an incredulous stare and huffed, “That is totally not true.” Everyone but Ellie chimed in with arguments and examples and names. 

She raised her hand, silencing them, “AND, even if it were true, this guy is totally different.” Cat laughed at her, “Maybe your problem is that you’re looking at the wrong gender.” She lent her cheek on Ellie’s shoulder.

“No offense, Cat, but I am NOT sharing clothes with my future SO.”

“Can you just tell us who this guy is so we know who to console in a week?” Dina said, stealing some of Jesse’s fries.

“You guys are assholes, well, not you Ellie. You haven’t ripped on me yet.” Ellie hadn’t said anything since sitting down.

“That’s because she doesn’t know your proclivities yet.” Jesse chuckled, pushing the basket of fries towards Dina.

“Ugh, whatever. Anyway, I met him at the auto shop.”

Oh no.

“Wait, don’t tell me you’re sleeping with one of the Randys.”

“Yeah, that’s bound to give your kids an extra toe.” Cat joked and stole some fries from the basket. Jesse sighed and pushed the basket towards the middle.

“Been there, done that, but it’s not a Randy.”

Oh no.

“Ew, you slept with a Randy?” Dina mumbled around a fry.

“Jesus Christ, let me finish.”

“You have horrible taste.” Cat was also shoving fries. Must be some good fucking fries.

“Well, you guys already know this guy, so you can attest to my great taste.”

Oh fuck no.

“It better not have been Joel. Ellie might just skin you alive.” Jesse joked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh my god, no, it’s Andrew.”

“What the fuck.”

Everyone turned to Ellie. It was the first thing she’d said since getting there.

Sam raised a brow at her but continued, “He was fixing my car and gave me a discount, total flirt.”

Ellie must’ve still been dreaming. Was she still asleep? She gave herself a good pinch. Nope, totally awake.

“We got to talking and we went out for coffee.”

Another pinch.

“And, I mean, he’s super hot.”

She was going to rupture skin.

“He just got here, Sam. You can’t jump every guy that swings to town.”

“I’m, uh, going to the restroom.” Cat got out of the booth and she stepped out.

“I gotta go too.” Said Dina.

“You went when we got here.” Jesse stepped out nonetheless.

“Gotta go again.” He rolled his eyes at her and sat down when she was out.

“Let me show you where it’s at.” She whispered in Ellie’s ear. It gave her goosebumps.

Dina led her around the bar and into a poorly lit hallway with doors that read ‘Cowboy’ and ‘Cowgirl’ ‘cept the pictures on the doors were just a pink and blue bison.

“You good? I know you and Andrew are, like, friends, or…” she shrugged awkwardly and stared at Ellie. Oh god, no, her and Andrew? Nope. He was like a brother to her. And, well, not really her type. On account of being… a guy.

“No, he’s just a friend.”

“So, what’s up?” She was really close. The hallway didn’t really allow much distance between them. At least that was the way it looked.

“It’s just that Andrew’s been known to fall pretty hard for girls. He’d bought an engagement ring for his last girlfriend and they’d only know each other for a month.”

Dina looked out the hall and back at her. With those big brown eyes. “You’re scared she’ll hurt him.”

Ellie shrugged and scratched the back of her neck.

“Hey, it’s ok. Sam isn’t like that. She just has horrible taste in men and tends to pick the worst guys. If Andrew is good it might last.” She squeezed her forearm and Ellie felt tingles go down her arm, all the way to the tips of her fingers. Even the ones that weren’t there felt it.

She shoved her hand into her pocket.

“Why do you do that?”

Ellie looked down at her feet, “Do what?”

Dina trailed her hand down her arm, and stopped where her hand went into her pocket, fingers curling around her wrist, “Hide it.”

Ellie sighed and looked back up. Brown earnest eyes, shining under the dim lights met her own.

“It’s ugly.” She felt the fingers around her wrist tug. “I don’t think it’s ugly.”

“You haven’t even seen them.” Her hand was slowly being pulled out. She let her.

“I’ve seen glimpses.”

Dina pulled her hand out and Ellie waited for the gasp, the recoil, the disgust. But it never came.

She grabbed her hand between her own and flipped it palm up, her fingers skimming the palm, up her finger, tracing the ridges, the calluses, the little scars. 

She brought the hand up, closer to her face, and touched the mangled fingers. Her touch was feather light, almost not there. Ellie shuddered.

“I think they look just fine.” She whispered in the tiny space between them.

“You’d be the first.” Dina took her eyes off her hand and stared at her. She interlaced their hands. Ellie felt her hands, small and soft, between her own, ugly and hard and larger ones.

“Well, fuck them.” She smiled and Ellie smiled.

Someone came out of the restroom and they parted.

“I’ll wait for you out here.”

Ellie went in and splashed some water on her face. She couldn’t look at herself in the mirror.

Her skin itched. Her fingers throbbed, her head hurt. She took a deep breath in.

Dina. Dina. Dina.

Dina everywhere.

—-

It felt so right, but she knew it was so wrong.

Touching Ellie was invigorating. Talking to her, watching her, listening to her.

And watching Cat all over her made her skin crawl. She couldn’t explain it, but, deep down she knew.

It was jealousy.

A feeling she knew she shouldn’t be feeling.

“Hey, are you ok?” Jesse asked her. When she’d come back from the restroom he sidled up next to her, an arm around her shoulder. She didn’t have the heart to push him off. Plus, what was he supposed to do? They always did it. Always some form of contact. They were an item. A couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend.

Ellie came back.

She sat on the other seat. “Hey, you feeling better?” Asked Cat, her hands back on Ellie’s arm and shoulder. She nodded but didn’t push her off.

Dina kissed Jesse on the cheek. Ellie looked away.

“So, while you dweebs were off pissing forever, me and Jesse ordered some nachos and, like, alcohol free margaritas.” Sam laughed.

“Alcohol free?” Who ordered alcohol free margaritas?

“I don’t know who drove here, so I’m not risking it.” Explained Jesse, smiling at Ellie, but she wasn’t paying attention, staring at her feet and chewing on her bottom lip.

When the nachos came they didn’t last that long. Ellie didn’t touch them at all, but Cat was insistent on feeding them to her. And it wasn’t like Ellie was denying the force feeding, she just opened her mouth and let it happen.

Dina rolled her eyes.

“Hey, remember when we did that on our first date?” Jesse asked and nudged her.

They’d been like thirteen. Not grown ass adults.

She frowned at the scene and grabbed one of the nachos, eyeing Jesse. “Not too late, right?” She fed him one and he smiled. She saw Ellie sit back on the booth from the corner of her eye. Cat stopped feeding her nachos.

“Are you guys staying here for Christmas?” Sam glanced at Dina, “Or Hanukkah?” Sam hadn’t originally been a Jacksonian. Her grandma had brought her there from Germany when she was ten and promptly died on her, trapping her in the dead end town of Jackson.

“Eh, I’m here for the holidays, and so is Dina.”

“Same here.” Ellie nodded along with Cat.

“That’s mad boring. I’ll let you guys know how it goes in Germany.”

“Like you do every year?” Chides Cat. Sam only sticks her tongue out at her, “As if you didn’t totally fawn over my riveting trip last year. You’re just jelly you can’t tag along.”

“Ugh, you’re only half right. I’d do anything to get out of this fucking town.”

“Why do you want to leave?” Ellie asked. So that’s what made the monk flap its tongue, huh?

“It feels like this place is on some time warp or something, nothing changes. Hell, Jesse destroying the front of his house is the most interesting thing that has happened in a while, aside from you and Andrew showing up.”

“Hey! I didn’t destroy it, plus, Ellie is doing a bang up job on it.” Dina stared at Jesse. She was working on the porch? Since when? She knew they’d gone to the store, but she didn’t know that construction had begun. She’d be sure to swing by sometime. To see the progress. That was. Of the porch. Progress.

“I’m sure she is.” Cat gave Ellie a grin.

But Ellie was thinking about something else, “Time warp? Like in issue five volume sixty two.”

Jesse sat up and slammed his hand on the table, “Holy shit, yes! And then they do that whole inception type thing, and travel through the different universes!” Ellie nodded with enthusiasm.

“That was so trippy, made you think that everyone was dead for the whole comic.”

“Dude, we totally have to swap collections.”

Ellie grimaced, “Uh, that’s if I can find them. They should be somewhere inside my moving boxes.” Jesse just slammed his hand down on the table again, “I can totally help you move in, and we can go over the comics. I can bring my own.”

Dina watched as she colored and scratched the back of her neck, “Yeah, sounds great.”

“That actually sounds like a good idea. I’d help but with all the outsiders coming in for the holidays the place will be swamped.” Cat lamented. Sam sipped at the margarita and put the empty cup down, “Good luck with cleaning Ellie’s den. I’ll be partying it up in Berlin.”

Dina scoffed, “More like freezing your ass off in Berlin.”

“You act as if Wyoming were some summer paradise.” Dina chuckled and shrugged. It was pretty fucking cold.

Ellie checked her phone and stood up, “Hey, it’s getting late. I’ll see you guys later?”

Jesse offered a fist bump, “Yeah, sure. Oh! Wait, gimme your number so we can talk Savage Starlight.” Sam laughed at them, “You guys are such fucking dorks.” Jesse just stuck his tongue out at her.

“Oh, sure.” She stares at Dina and promptly looks away.

Dina should’ve asked for it herself a long time ago.

Cat got up and waved at them, walking with Ellie in her clutches.

“I should get going too. I’ll leave you love birds to it.” Sam left, but not before flipping her ponytail over her shoulder and blowing a kiss at them.

“Wanna go home?” Jesse still had his arm over her shoulder, a silly smile on his face. She could only think of Ellie. Everything Ellie. Ellie. Ellie. Ellie.

“Sure.”


	7. Nomads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Should I just say ‘fuck it’ and work my way around a happy fix or something?

“Your room’s a fucking mess.” Gripped Jesse, his hands full of crap from her boxes.

Ellie huffed and kicked a pair of boxers under her bed, “It’s not that bad.”

“Yeah, it kinda is, don’t you have, like, a closet for all these clothes?” He dumped the stuff on her bed.

“Doesn’t matter, look what I found.” She pulled out a rolled comic from the waistband of her jeans. The first issue, only a little beat and dogeared.

Jesse’s eyes widened and his hand flew to his mouth, “You fucking butchered it!” He took it from her hands and ran to the desk, putting the comic down and tried to smooth it out. “You’re a barbarian, Ellie! Do you know how much the first issue goes for on Ebay? Like, three thousand dollars, and you just devalued the whole thing by at least two grand.” He brought the comic back up to his face and sniffed it, “Is that coke? Did you spill coke all over these super expensive and valuable pages?” He huffed and put it back on the table.

“Depends on what kind of coke you’re referring to.” She chuckled. It was pretty funny. Jesse got quiet and leaned on the desk. Ellie raised a brow in question. “Uh, I’m hoping the fizzy drink.” She chuckled awkwardly and sat at the foot of her bed, “Yeah, yeah, that’s… that’s what I meant.” Jesse sat beside her. He sighed and tapped a rhythm on his knee, “Andrew told me you had some issues, with, uh, substances.”

She figured he had. No one ordered alcohol free margaritas. No one.

“Yeah, kinda figured he did.” She really wish he fucking hadn’t. It was embarrassing and personal and it painted her in a picture she didn’t want to be seen in. Who in their right mind wanted to be friends with the junkie? The dirty little fucking alcoholic? That fucked up user who had to rely on her adoptive dad to keep her off the streets? The only thing that’d she’d accomplished in life was kill a bunch of fucking kids on the other side of the world. Her brothers and sisters in arms would turn in disgust at her. Her country sure had.

“I just wanna say that I don’t care. I think you’re a cool chick, and Dina seems to like you. I’d like to be your friend.” But did he? What guaranteed her that this wasn’t some pity? Or that Andrew hadn’t roped him into trying to befriend her.

When they were kids, after Joel had taken her in, no one but Andrew wanted to talk to her. At one point Andrew had paid some kid to try and befriend her. When she found out they’d beaten the shit out of each other, but, the act in itself hurt more than any punch Andrew could throw.

Did Jesse really want to be her friend? Dina? Sam? Cat?

Maybe the same bug that had bitten Andrew all those years had bitten them as well. She just couldn’t wrap her mind around why people would want to befriend her. She was just some junkie. Some killer. Some nobody.

“You sure it’s not just because you want a discount on that porch?” She joked, and this time Jesse actually laughed. “Fuck, you caught on pretty quick.” He jostled her shoulder and she tensed. “Nah, I think you’re pretty cool.”

“You barely know me.” Jesse didn’t even know half the things she’d done.

“That’s why I’m here, getting to know you. Plus, I know enough. We talk every time you work on the house.” Really, it was mostly Jesse talking and Ellie working, but she guessed it counted.

Ellie shrugged.

He got up and looked around the room, “Looks pretty clean, wanna go for a drive?” He jingled his keys and she smiled, “Gonna go harvest my organs in some field?” He scoffed and started to walk to the door, “Why would I do that in a field when I can do it in a sterile bathtub?” He pointed to her restroom. She got up and followed him out the door, “Pretty ballsy of you to eviscerate me in Joel’s property.”

He hissed and shook his head, “Fuck that. Joel is wayyy too scary. Wasn’t he in the military?” They walked around the lawn, and Jesse waved at him from the window. It looked like he was watching TV. He waved back and nodded at Ellie. She nodded back, quickly averting her gaze.

“Yeah, Marines.” Jesse whistled. “That’s pretty fucking hardcore. I could never do that stuff, I’m a homebody, flying across the globe and doing all that stuff would wear me down. Plus, I have an aversion to getting shot in the head.” She nodded. Getting shot in the head was quite the sight. One moment your CO is shouting orders, the next he’s face down in the sand with a golf ball sized hole in the back of his helmet.

“I think I heard my dad say you were in too?” They climbed into Jesse’s car.

She couldn’t lie about it. And… Jesse wanted to be friends. Or, maybe, they were already friends.

“Yeah, Marines.”

He glanced at her, brows high, “No fucking way. That’s pretty badass.”

She shrugged, “As long as you can run fast you can make it.”

“Pshh, don’t down play it, I’ve seen the videos online. I don’t think I could have someone shouting my ear off like that.”

That was probably the hardest part for Ellie. Every single time a DI came up to her face, inches apart, spitting saliva, the urge to shout back or push them off was incredible. Joel never told her that they’d be so horribly aggressive. But, nonetheless, she gritted her teeth and pushed past the anger.

“Yeah, the screaming was something else.” She glanced out the window and watched the rolling hills and mountains in the distance, hundred acre farms separating the woods from the road. “You sure you’re not taking me out in the boonies for a good organ gouging?”

Jesse laughed, “No, I didn’t even bring my tools.”

She rolled her eyes, “Where are we going then?”

“I’m starting to think you actually think I’m going to harvest your organs. We’re just going for a spin, no destination.” He shrugged and turned the radio up.

‘Rock the Casbah’ blasted through the speakers and Ellie found herself relaxing.

She pulled down the window and watched the winter landscape before them.

He went a-cruisin' down the ville.

—-

Her blood boiled.

It boiled deep, deep, deep down.

Her head swam.

It swam and swam and swam and the little air bubbles swam up and up and up and out of her lungs, away, into the stratosphere, into the dark unknown, into the stars above.

But, there weren’t any stars above, just the peeled paint and the scratches and the stickers that some kid must’ve put up there.

She couldn’t reach them, no matter how high she went, no matter how much she floated and pushed and swam and struggled to get the current under her arms. They taunted her, their little bright shapes, unperturbed by touching, bright and everlasting. The bubbles floated and danced along the crisp edges.

No matter how high she got, she’d never reach those little stickers. Bright and new but so old.

The tips of her fingers skimmed, but never touched.

Her blood boiled.

The flesh bubbled with the piping hot blood, inches from the dark void of the encompassing room.

Her eyes burned and her fingers tingled, and the floor under her bare flesh cooked her alive.

The breath escaped her, her blood escaped her, her vision escaped her, the stickers escaped her.

They taunted her.

Living in her bubble, in her darkness, forever suspended on the ceiling, spinning and bright and so innocent.

She wanted to rip them off, crumble them up, feel the ruined plastic and old adhesive under her fingers and nubs. She hated those fucking stickers.

She hated those fucking eyes.

Her blood boiled and her bubbles escaped her and those stickers would never be under her touch.

She hated those fucking stickers.

She fucking hated them.

—-

“So, I’m thinking of just leaving town and becoming a nomadic merchant.”

Ellie laughed, “I’m sorry, a nomadic merchant? Like, a gypsy? What are you going to sell?”

Dina tapped her chin, “I dunno, like, scented candles or something? What do Gypsy’s even sell?” Ellie kicked her feet up on the table, beat up converse swaying side to side.

“Do you even know how to make scented candles?” She popped a chip into her mouth, quietly crunching.

Dina reaches over and steals a handful, ignoring Ellie’s protests, “How hard can it be? Just get some hot wax and spray febreze into it or something.” Ellie chewed some more and looked up, thinking.

“Actually, is that how they make scented candles?” Dina shrugged and popped a chip into her mouth, leaning into the lounge table.

“I mean, they have all kinds of febreze...uh? Flavors? Types? Categories?” Ellie laughs a little harder. Clutching at her belly, face coloring, “Flavors? Types? Categories? Dina, what the actual fuck? Do you mean smells?” Dina throws a chip at her head. “Hey!” She watches as Ellie takes the chip from her hair and eats it.

“You are so fucking gross.” Ellie shrugs and smiles at her, “At least I’m not huffing febreze like some ‘My strange addiction’ contestant.”

Dina lounges back into her chair, “Now you’re the one who sounds stupid. Contestant? They’re not competing, they’re there to, like, fix their addiction. Have you even watched the show?” Ellie balls the empty bag up and tosses it towards the trash can, missing by a mile.

“I thought they competed to see who had the weirdest fucking obsession.” Dina gives her a pointed look, “What? I’ve watched like two minute previews on TMZ.” Dina laughs at her and covers her mouth, “You are absolutely ridiculous.”

Ellie gets up to throw the balled up bag in the bin, “Like I said, flavors.” She sits back down and gives her one of those dopey crooked smiles. Dina feels her face heat up, a surge of electricity going down her arms, leaving goosebumps, and her spine, all the way down to… a place she’d rather not say. She clears her throat and crosses her legs. Tight.

“All right, you bum, get out of my store before I call the cops.” She sighs, glad her voice didn’t crack.

Ellie raises her hands in surrender and gets up, “Geez, ok, no need to get the heat involved, I’ll go.” Dina follows her out of the lounge and into the door.

Ellie smiles, shoving her hands into her pockets, feet kicking at the carpet, “Same time tomorrow?” Dina nudges her shoulder, “Hell no, I don’t want your stinky ass in my store.” Ellie opens the door, the little electric bell chiming, “I’ll take that as a resounding ‘yes’, see ya later, huffer.” Dina closes the door for her, flipping her the bird for good measure, Ellie returning it twice fold and sticking her tongue out at her.

“I can’t stand her.” She mutters to the empty store, watching Ellie’s form walk around the store and, presumably, to her truck.

They’d started to hang out more as of recent. It seemed her and Jesse had a bit of a ‘boy’s day out’ and Ellie seemed more energetic and sure of herself. Sometimes a little too energetic. Dina had started to notice her bloodshot eyes and shaky hands, but she'd chucked it up to Joel’s caffeine addiction. It probably ran in the family. She couldn’t stand the taste, but whatever floated Ellie’s boat.

Dina was also starting to stand Cat, she had seemed to chill on her advances. Ellie didn’t seem to respond too much, aside from her blushing. But, whenever Cat crawled all over her, Ellie seemed to freeze, her hands in her pockets and her eyes anywhere but at the girl assaulting her personal space. Dina deeply hoped that it was from discomfort and not some wicked lust.

But, that made no sense. In her head. She knew that she had Jesse, and Ellie wasn’t her own.

Dina was a grown woman. She knew what she liked and what she didn’t. 

And…

She liked Ellie.

A lot.

She walked to the counter and rested her chin on her palm. She played with the sticker on the counter, thumbing the curled and mangled edges. Tearing and soothing. Tearing and soothing. Pulling and pressing. Pulling and pressing.

Adults had crushes all the time. She pressed the sticker.

But did they get the urges to act on them? To press those insufferable crushes into walls and ravage their necks, and chests, and to rake their fingernails over freckled backs? She pulled at the sticker.

No, because grown adults could feel urges, however strong, and keep it in their pants. If everyone acted on their urges there would be no fidelity. She pressed the sticker, tighter onto the surface.

She huffed. Freckles on cheeks, and nose bridges, and forearms, and, probably, on her back. Dina wanted to see them all, feel the sinewy muscle ripple under her hands. She pulled the sticker a little more harshly. Her breathing quickened. Green eyes, dark and light and so intense.

She couldn’t do this.

She had to go home.

Dina ran to Eugene’s office. He had one foot up on the messy desk, tongue sticking out, eyes focused on the blunt he rolled on his lap.

“Eugene can I go home?” She rubbed the outside of her thigh to calm her jittery nerves. It felt like a fever, her skin burned.

He looked up and stuck the blunt into his mouth, a lighter flicking from his unoccupied hand, “Sure, but less hours means less pay.” He chuckled and lit the blunt, eyes going cross as he hyper focused.

Dina nodded and sprinted out of the door.

Home.

She was going home.

There wasn’t anything inherently wrong with rubbing one out to a friend. Right?

She left nonetheless.

—-

Ellie’s hands crawled all over her skin, rough and calloused, large and strong. The gripped her thighs, up her sides, over her breasts, up her neck, leaving a scorching trail. Dina huffed, those green eyes, on her, like beast to prey. She huffed, her breath quickened, her hands shook. Faster and heavier and faster. Fast fast fast. She felt herself coil, hot and intense. Magma hot. It burned, it burned so wonderfully.

“Oh, god!” Her legs shook and she arched off the bed. Sweat sticking her fly aways to her temple. Dina landed back on the bed, heavy and spent. Her hand left her underwear and she huffed.

What had she done? She curled up into a ball, her knees up to her chest. What had she done?

A heavy weight settled on her chest. Harsh and horrid. She struggled to breath. Her eyes burned and tears sprung into them. Deep hot shame settled into the cavity of her chest, further hearing up her sweaty skin. What had she done? What would Jesse think? What would her mother think? And Talia?

She sobbed, quiet little hiccups and hot tears. What had she done?

Dina squeezed her eyes and held tighter onto her legs, still clad in her uniform. She couldn’t even wait to change before doing such a disguising thing. Ellie was her friend. Dina had a boyfriend. Her mother and Talia would skin her alive if they ever found out. She sobbed again. More tears rolling over the bridge of her nose and over her eye, soaking into her sweaty pillow.

What had she done?

—

Ellie couldn’t get her mind off of Dina.

She was… confusing.

But, also the simplest thing her little brain could wrap itself around. They seemed to click, like rifle and magazine. Those big brown eyes, that perfect complexion, wonderful smile, and the little tiny freckles that she noticed back that cramped bar. Ellie couldn’t help but look forward to seeing her, be it at the daycare or the den on just out about town. She made her skin prickle, her spine tingle, her toes wiggle and all that corny shit.

“Well, ain’t you in a good mood.” Joel smiled at her from the driver’s seat. He was driving her to the meeting and then picking her back up for an afternoon shift at the wood shop.

She blew her lips and tried to contain the smile, “As if, old man. If anything, I’m pissed I have to go to this meeting.” He chuckled and turned the blinker on.

“Well ain’t you just a stick in the mud. A stick in the mud surrounded by other sticks, huh?” He nudged her and she pushed his heavy arm away.

“Joel, I’m twenty three, I know how to make friends.” She put her right foot on the dash.

“Ain’t said you couldn’t, just makin’ an observation.” He smiled that tiny little thing of his. The smallest of quirks to his lips. If Ellie hadn’t been with this man for years, she would’ve thought he was just poker facing through life. But, years of old man exposure made her an expert in Joel speak.

Which, really, contained almost no actual speak.

“Alrighty, kiddo. First day at school, behave and don’t pick no fights. Roger?” He parked the car in front of the town hall. She rolled her eyes at the horrible joke.

“No promises, Santa.” She stepped out and watched him huff in disagreement.

“Santa? Really? I ain’t that fat… or gray.” She closed the door and pushed the snow with her converse. It was freezing and her socks were already soaked. Dina had told her to get better shoes, she’d been planning to, but the urge to annoy her was stronger. It made Ellie smile just thinking about her huffing and chastising. It made her feel as if she cared for her.

The inside was pretty warm, and since Joel had been the one to wake her up, she was actually on time, if a bit early. The only ones in the room were Hank and Pascal. They were sitting in the circle of chairs, chatting. Ellie cleared her throat awkwardly and removed her jacket. Hank stood up, sweaty faced and with a toothy smile, “Ellie! We ain’t seen you here for a while, I’m glad you could make it. C’mon, take a seat.” She nodded and draped her coat over the chair before sitting down. “Pascal and I were sitting here, reminiscing ‘bout the old times.” Pascal nodded and crossed his legs. “Back when we were spry young men.” Hank chuckled and slapped his leg, “Speak for yourself, I’m still quite young.” Ellie leaned back on the chair. It was kind of funny. Hank looked to be in his early sixties and Pascal about late forties.

“Ellie, what was your MOS in the Corps?” Pascal asked, good naturedly smiling.

She suddenly felt very cold. She coughed and scratched the back of her neck. Talking about the Corps always set her on edge.

“Uh, infantry, actually.”

Pascal sat up at that, an eager smile on his bearded face, “A grunt? A female grunt at that, holy shit. I have never met one.” Ellie nodded her head and fiddled with the pant material at her thigh, “Well, here I am.” Pascal uncrossed his leg and leaned forwards, “How many pull ups can you do?” She raised a brow at him. How many pull ups? What a strange guy. “Like, twenty two? At least that’s how many I did at boot.” He chuckled. “Holy shit. I did twelve in boot. I do like to think I’ve gotten bigger since my Navy days, though.” He flexed an arm, “Do you still condition?” She stuck her hands into her pockets and nodded, “Calisthenics in the mornings and runs in the afternoon.” He whistled and crossed his legs again, “Fuck that, I stopped running since I got my DD 214.” Hank laughed, “Well, don’t I feel good about this chat.”

Pascal chuckled, “I’ve invited you to the gym on multiple occasions.”

“I’ve done my part, now I get to indulge.” He patted his stomach.

Just then, a group of people walked in. The meeting was about to start. Ellie felt out of place. Like a poser. She didn’t feel connected to these people. She hadn’t even stopped using. Hell, yesterday she'd found a baggie under her bed. Andrew hadn’t found it, and she decided to use it up before he actually did. It made her feel dirty, but the high afterwards was always worth it. Even if she felt like she was letting down Joel and Andrew. And her newfound friends. Dina. What would Dina think if she ever found out? Would she be disgusted? Would she ever speak to her? Touch her? Laugh with her? Or, even worse, would she put up appearances, act as if nothing was wrong, but slowly detach herself, keep a steadily increasing distance, until they no longer fit into each other’s lives? It scared Ellie.

It really scared Ellie.

\---

The meeting was well under way, but Ellie was already feeling restless. Her skin was crawling, it itched, as if little bugs crawled underneath, using her veins and nerves as little highways. Her fingers tingled, the missing appendages aching, as if recently detached.

“It all started when my son was born. Jonathan, the dad, had always been a bit of a mess. He dropped out and started to work as a trucker. He loved that job so much.” She paused and sighed. “Well, one night, I got a call. It was icy on the roads, really dark, up in the mountains.” She half heartedly pointed behind herself, “These mountains, actually. He was hurrying home for our son’s birthday, and,” She sniffed, her eyes watery. “I’d been so upset at him the day prior. I shouted at him that he was never home, that he was missing seeing his own son grow up.” She wiped her eyes. “The wheeler skidded on a turn and he plummeted down the edge. Among the stuff they recovered was a teddy, one of those special ones with recordings.” She was full on sobbing now. 

Hank rubbed her back and whispered something in her ear. She sat up and shook her head.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I think-I think I want to finish.” Hank nodded at her.

“His voice is the only thing I have of his, to remind me of him. I blamed myself for his death. Not a single day goes by that I don’t. I started to drink. It helped me forget, to forget what I’d done, to forget that Jonathan ever existed. I couldn’t even take care of my own son anymore.” She shrugged and sighed, “He was too young to really remember him anyway, but, for the first month or so, he was super fussy. I think he might have understood that something was wrong. I dunno, maybe I read into it too much.” She sniffed again.

Ellie bobbed her knee up and down. The impatience was getting worse. Her throat belt raw, the bruises on the inside of her elbow throbbed.

“Anyway, after coming home, to pick up my son from his grandma’s, was when it hit me. He started crying, just wailing, when I tried to pick him up. He didn’t want me to. When my mom picked him up he said it. He spoke his first words.” Her eyes swam again and Ellie found herself getting angry. “He called her ‘mama’. My own son called my mother mama.”

Ellie scratched her burning skin under her flannel. It was sweltering in the room, but only Hank was sweating. She bobbed her knee faster, glancing at the clock on the wall.

“I started coming here, and I’ve been doing much better. But, I still get the urge. Everytime I’m reminded of him. It’s even worse on little John’s birthday. To this day I can’t celebrate with him. I drop him off at his grandma’s. But, I’m trying for him.” Her eyes are dim and sorrowful.

“If not for me, at least for him.”

Ellie’s knee stops bobbing. If not for me, at least for him. She doesn’t understand. The kid would probably be best off with the grandma. Mom was a lost cause. Ellie was a lost cause. Joel was better off without her.

Hank places a hand on her shoulder, toothy smile on his face, “Thank you, Kass. That was very brave o’ you to tell us.” She smiles at him.

“Right o’, we got ‘bout fifteen minutes to go, so let’s go over the twelve steps.” Hank goes on with his overly lengthy spiel. It goes in through one ear and out the other. It just made no sense to her. People didn’t change. They became. They slowly crawled to what they were always meant to be. Into little caves of shame with dirty little habits and secrets. You don’t drag people out of their little caves.

Hank finally finished and people loitered about, chatting, clapping shoulders, smiling. Ellie huffed and walked out. There were bugs under her skin. They bit and chewed, and made a mess of her insides. Energy buzzed and buzzed and her hands shook.

Joel was waiting outside in the truck, reading some paperback.

She climbed in. He put the book down and started the truck, “How’d it go, kiddo?” She shrugged and looked out the window, “As exciting as an intervention can get.”

Joel chuckled, “Well ain’t you a ray of sunshine.”

She huffed, “I still think it’s stupid.” She was jittery but Joel’s presence was calming her down a bit. He just oozed a certain kind of aura that made her feel safe. The bugs slowed their frantic skittering to a slow crawl.

“You wanna go for some frozen yogurt?” She laughed at him.

“Sure, old man.”

\---

What was the deal with hospitals? Why did they have to be so somber and cold? The smell was always the same. No matter where you went, no matter what country or state, they emulated each other. Blinding white, quiet and somber. Death lingered in the air, but you wouldn’t know, because the smell of disinfectant and alcohol just flooded your senses.

Dina was sitting in the hall outside of the dialysis unit, her mother inside.

It was a horrible hassle to get her out the house, being careful to take her to the car and placing her wheelchair into the backseat of her tiny car. She would love to have the treatment at home, but Jackson was a pretty small town, they needed most units in the hospital, and it cost an extra thirty five thousand just to have the comfort of not having to take her mom out. It wasn’t worth it, plus, she was already struggling enough with the bills she didn’t have the pleasure to weigh.

She sighed and picked up a nearby magazine.

People: The Shocking Gay Affair Of Ryan Gosling!

She put the magazine back down.

Dina whistled and tapped her foot. Nothing interesting ever happened when she waited in this godforsaken hall. Maybe she could call Sam. Or, even better, Ellie. She’d given Ellie her number the last time they hung out in the lounge, and Ellie had texted her a small ‘hi’ thirty minutes after she’d left. Dina wouldn’t acknowledge having seen the text pop up the second it was received, because that would mean acknowledging that she stared at her phone for thirty fucking minutes.

Maybe that was a bad idea.

Ellie… Ellie made her act irrationally.

She made her feel stupid and smart and free and caged. She felt so free around her that she found herself talking about the dumbest things, and so smart when she complimented her, but so trapped. Dina couldn’t just act her urges out with her, couldn’t just grab the collar of her flannel and crush her mouth with her own, just drag-

Her phone vibrated. It was Jesse.

She felt hot shame.

“Hey, Jesse.”

“Dina, hey, where are you?”

She frowned, “What do you mean ‘where am I’? I told you I had to take my mom to the hospital. I take her three times a week, Jesse.” The line went silent. Dina checked the clock at the wall. She’d been there for an hour, always hoping that the boredom wouldn’t get to her. But, before the four hours came, she was gone. Still, she was always on time to pick her mom up.

“I remembered.” He muttered out.

Dina sighed and rubbed her forehead. She got up from the waiting chair and started to walk down the hall, “No you didn’t. Why did you call, Jesse?” The nurse waved her goodbye and Dina offered a smile. If a little tight.

“Oh, I was going to the movies with Sam before she goes to Germany.” She pressed the button to the elevator and tapped her foot impatiently. It dinged and dinged. “Why don’t you ask Andrew or Ellie?”

“Andrew is still working and I think Joel and Ellie are in the hospital.” She paused and held her breath. Ellie was in the hospital? Was she ok? She had been wearing a patch on her forehead for, like, a month. She’d been meaning to ask but Ellie either brushed her off or showed discomfort when Dina eyed it. So, she decided to lay off. Now, however, she wished she would’ve badgered.

“What do you mean? Why the hell is Ellie in the hospital??” The elevator opened, but Dina ignored it.

“Woah, woah, calm down. I called Andrew and that’s what he told me, I don’t know. He sounded fine, so I’m guessing they’re ok.”

She paced the hall and felt her heart hammer. Nobody just went to the hospital because they were ok. Hell, she was here because her mom needed her kidneys pumped. Hospitals were for people that were dying. Hospitals were for people that had almost died. Her breathing was quick and shallow. 

“I- I have to go.” She didn’t wait for a response and hung up.

The nurse was still at her counter, typing something on the computer. Dina hurried over, “Hey, Destiny, is there an Ellie Williams here?” Destiny looked up and gave her a confused stare. Dina fiddled with the collar of her shirt. She looked at her clipboard and then typed a couple times on the computer, “What’s your relation to the patient?”

Her relation? Friends. But, they wouldn’t let her in with a simple ‘friends’. “Cousin.” Was that close enough? “First cousin.” That seemed close enough. Destiny eyed her again and hummed in disbelief. “Your ‘first cousin’ is in room 1138 in the high dependency unit.” Dina sucked in air. That sounded pretty fucking bad. She thanked Destiny and started to power walk to the elevator. ‘High” anything sounded pretty fucking bad.

She pressed the button to the second floor about a million times. 

When the door opened she took off towards the hall with the ‘1100’s.

What if Ellie had crashed her car? Or she had some debilitating disease? Her truck, she hadn’t seen it when she parked out back. What if she’d been driven over on an ambulance? Oh, god! Her heart was hammering. 

1110, 1112, 1114, 1115. It felt like that halfway was the longest fucking thing she’d ever walked.

1120, 1122, 1124, 1126. High dependency unit. Holy fucking shit. That sounded horrible, so, so, so bad. But, there wasn’t a single ward in a hospital that sounded good. Hell, not even maternity sounded fun.

1130, 1132, 1134. Fuck it. She jogged to the last room. Blood and pain and alcohol flooded her mind. Glass and melted metal and twisting plastic. Crushed hoods and silent bodies.

Her dad, silently slumped over his seat, head caved in, a steady stream of blood pouring down his bearded face, down into his soaking lap. Tick tick tick. Splattering her. Her throat clamped shut and quiet. She couldn’t scream, she couldn’t scream for help, she couldn’t scream for the police or the paramedics. Oh, god. What if Ellie was like that. Eyes glazed over. Her father’s eyes glazed over, his heavy arm on her lap, having just been braced over her chest to protect her from the impact. She put a hand over her mouth.

1138 stared at her. She stared the numbers back. It was dead silent. Blood rushed through her ears. Like listening to a seashell. She could only hear the red waves, crashing up and down. Her hand trembled. Tick tick tick. The trickles met the pool of blood. She could smell it. The copper, acrid and encompassing. Violently strong and repugnant. Metal, metal, and tick tick tick.

Oh, god.

The door opened.

Joel stood staring at her. His head wasn’t caved in. Her hands shook.

He closed the door. “Dina, how’re ya?” He wiped his hand on his pant leg. Red. Bloody red. Her hands shook harder, her eyes unblinking. It was getting harder to take in oxygen.

“Ellie.” She managed to choke out. He frowned and came up to her, placing a heavy hand on her shoulder, “Hey, you alright?” He dipped down, meeting her eyes head on. She pointed to the room and inhaled. He looked back at the closed door, frown deepening. “Maybe you ought to sit down, you’re shaking like a leaf.” He tried to lead her to one of the chairs but she didn’t budge.

He sighed and let her shoulder go, “She’s got some kinda chronic wound on her head. Won’t heal. Been bleeding constantly, for ‘bout a month now.”

Dina didn’t understand. “Is she ok?” Her voice was but a whisper. Joel stuck his hands into his jean pockets. “Yes.” He looked back at the door and then down the hall, “‘Spose you wanna see her.” She nodded and he stepped back to open the door.

Dina stepped in and saw her.

Sitting down on the patient’s bed, feet clad in converse, swinging back and forth. She was holding a big wad of gauze to her temple. Dina let out a breath and ran over to her.

She grabbed her face and tilted it towards her, those wide green eyes staring right into her own. Her red mouth open just a smidge. Dina couldn’t take it anymore. She slid her hands down her neck and hugged her. Breathing in the cotton of her flannel, like cigarette smoke and cologne. “Jesus Christ, Ellie. What are you doing to me?” She whispered. Her eyes swam. The deep coil of fear that had ruptured and bled all over her chest finally cascading off. She placed her hands on her shoulders and pushed off, keeping her eyes on Ellie’s face, which was noticeably red now.

But now, in its place, fear planted itself in her chest cavity, spreading its dark tendrils through her body and around her heart, squeezing. “Why are you here, what the fuck is going on with you.” It wasn’t a question, but more of a demand. She needed an answer.

Ellie snapped her mouth shut and fiddled with a string on her jeans, her eyes not meeting Dina’s anymore, “I’m fine.”

“Bullshit, Ellie. No one goes to the hospital because they’re fine.”

She looked up and smiled. A tiny, infuriating, little smirk. Dina was half tempted to smack it off of her, or kissing it right off. Both were out of the question.

“Well, what are you doing here?” Dina scoffed and let her go, crossing her arms, “I asked you first.”

“I asked you second.” Maybe a little slap wouldn’t hurt.

“I’m half tempted to just walk out of here and never speak to you again.” And as she spoke those words, she knew they were lies. She could never do that.

“I watched a video on candle making.” Dina frowned. What the fuck. What? Just what?

“Do you have a concussion?” She touched her face again and moved it around, watching as Ellie’s pupils dilated.

“No, I mean, I don’t think so? It’s just that.. I know how candles are made now, and if you never speak to me, you’ll never know how to make them.” Dina rested her hands on her neck again. Ellie’s knees touching the sides of her hips. “And we were way off. There’s no febreze involved.”

“I hate you so much right now.” Ellie smiled, crooked and tired and happy and sad, all at the same time. Dina didn’t understand how she could be so complicated, so complex. Dina didn’t understand her, but by god did she want to know every inch of that head and body. She laced her fingers behind Ellie’s head feeling a hand on her hip, Dina leaned closer, “What makes you think I won’t just watch the video myself? Won’t need your insufferable ass anymore.” Ellie tilted her head. So close. They were so close. Dina could see the tiniest of freckles, constellations, she could map the stars on that flushed skin.

Joel cleared his throat.

Dina’s head snapped up and she let go, stepping a solid foot away. Ellie looked away and rubbed the back of her neck with her free hand.

“Doc said to keep changing the bandages and cleaning the wound ‘fore the blood results come back in ‘bout a week.” He shuffled awkwardly around the open door. “I’ll, uh, I’ll wait outside by the bike. It was nice seeing you, Dina.” She waved at him and he smiled before tapping the door and leaving.

“Bike?”

“Yeah, he’s going through a midlife crisis, thinks it’ll make him look cool.” Ellie shrugs and sits back on her hand.

“He is pretty cool.”

Ellie groans and sits back up to slide a hand down her face, “Don’t tell me you also have a hard on for Joel?” Dina laughs and looks out the door, “He is kind of hot.” Ellie makes a gagging sound, “Please don’t say that, unless you want me to be the one who never speaks to you again.” Dina sits next to her, jumping a little to get on the high bed, “Don’t worry, he’s not really my type.” Ellie knocks her shoulder into hers, “What is your type?” Her immediate thought is: You. But, that wasn’t appropriate. Not by a long shot. “I think you know.” Dina sure knew.

Ellie looks away and worries her lip, “Tall, asian, and kind of an ass.”

Dina laughs, knocking into Ellie, “Two of those are about right.”

A nurse comes into the room and gives them a confused glance, “I’m sorry, is this room in use?” Ellie jumps off the bed and Dina follows suit.

“No, we’re about to go.” Ellie brushes past and Dina smiles at the nurse.

“You’re such a dick. Why didn’t you say ‘sorry’ or something?” Ellie shrugs and Dina can’t help a little laugh. She could be so fucking rude sometimes. It, oddly enough, made her more endearing to Dina. Not that being rude was hot, but, about anything Ellie did was attractive to her. She could be puking up her guts in some repugnant gas station toilet and Dina would still want to jump her bones.

That… That was wrong. Wrong on so many levels. For one, it was just gross. And, secondly, she had a… boyfriend.

Dina had a boyfriend. A boyfriend her family loved. A boyfriend that had been with her since they were thirteen. A boyfriend that had soothed her when her father died.

Dina had a boyfriend that she had completely ignored when she masturbated to the thought of Ellie. Her friend.

“Ellie, I have some errands to run.” Ellie stopped walking, the cold winter breeze blowing her hair over the gauze, “Oh, yeah, sorry. See you tomorrow?” Could Dina see her tomorrow? Could she handle the urges and consuming presence of Ellie?

“I’ll be super busy tomorrow. Rain check?” Ellie dropped her head and kicked at the snow with those snow inadequate shoes, “Yeah, sure, whatever you want.” She muttered. What she wanted to do was to stop thinking, worrying, and just kiss her. But, she couldn’t do that. Dina was a grown woman, with adult responsibilities and promises she had to follow through with. 

She looked up and turned around, walking out to where Joel waited, leaning next to a bike.

Ellie was running her heart. Crushing it like some random object under a hydraulic press, and just ruining it.

It was starting to hurt.

It was starting to hurt so much.


	8. Cold Metal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one’s a painful one, y’all. Anyway, I love every single one of y’all that comments, it makes my day. Hate or love, leave it down below.

Dina had been cancelling on a lot of plans with Ellie.

She didn’t want to hang with her anymore. Not at the daycare or the den. It frustrated Ellie to no end. She’d hounded Andrew about what he’d spoken to her about. Ellie was sure the big blabber mouth had told her about the drinking and the drugs.

It was the only explanation as to why Dina was so cold and distant all of the sudden.

It made Ellie so fucking angry. And… sad. Her heart ached. Dina had become her drug, being with her made her feel high. Every word they exchanged made her feel so alive. Every touch they shared made her skin feel on fire. Every glance made her heart thump violently.

But, like every good thing in her life, she fucking left. Not even with a bang, but a slow descent. Just like she’d predicted. She was being left alone. Dina didn’t even have the common curtesy to tell her to fuck off, to shout at her for being some dirty junkie. At least Riley had died quickly in her arms, bleeding out after the shrapnel in her lungs choked her. It hadn’t lasted but five minutes, gurgling and staring right at Ellie. Dina, however, watched her, she watched her and watched her and just watched her suffer.

It was fucking sick.

She downed another shot and Cat followed. “Jesus, you weren’t lying about that tolerance. What number are you on, anyway?” Cat’s voice was warbly and slurred.

Ellie shrugged and downed another, the burn felt invigorating. Shot after shot, she only craved more. If it were up to her she’d just take the whole bottle and chug it down.

Cat leaned on her and quietly breathed onto the side of her neck. It made skin prickle, the hairs on her forearms stand. “Let’s go back to mine. The tap water here is a little too weak.” She was sloshed. Her deft slim hand slipped onto the inside of thigh, squeezing.

Fucking Dina.

Why couldn’t she just talk to her the same way? Why were her eyes always on her? Those sad brown eyes. Why did she look so sorrowful?

Why did Ellie miss her so much? Why did she yearn to know what made her so sad, to know what made those enticeful eyes swim? If only she told her who was hurting her, Ellie would beat the absolute shit out of them. Even if it was Jesse, dimming her light. Dina. Dina.

Dina was ruining her already fucked up life.

She got up from the bar stool and nodded at Cat.

Anything to take the pain away.

Cat smiled at her and kissed her neck, standing on her tippy toes to whisper in her ear, “My place is above the parlor.” She tugged her hand, Ellie followed.

—

Cat was all flurry, and violent kissing. Teeth and scratching and tugging. She was sitting on her hips, completely topless and tugging her hair with impatient strength. Ellie closed her eyes and circled her arms around her thin waist. 

It was dark and messy in the room, the only light coming from the moon and buildings outside. Ellie kissed her harder and flipped them over. Cat was too drunk to comment on her fingers, she just squirmed and tugged at Ellie’s under shirt.

Ellie sat up and tore it off, going back to attack Cat’s neck with hickies.

It felt good.

It felt so good to be wanted, desired. To not be ignored and brushed off. Cat didn’t come up with excuses as to why they couldn’t talk, she just moaned and arched under Ellie’s touch.

She didn’t come to the hospital and touch her all over just to ignore her for a fucking week. Cat just kissed her and unbuckled her jeans.

Because Cat wasn’t Dina.

She slowed down and opened her eyes, taking in Cat. She was stunning, beautiful, inked all the way up to her shoulders, colors bright and intricate and swirling. Cat wasn’t Dina. Ellie shut her eyes and kissed her again.

Dina.

She moaned and fondled Cat’s breasts.

Dina.

She wedged a foot between Cat’s legs.

Dina.

She sat up, eyes closed, and tore her jeans off, kicking off her own.

Dina.

Her fingers went under the elastic of Cat’s underwear.

Dina.

Cat moaned in her ear, arching off the bed.

Dina. Dina. Dina.

Hot hot hot heat, burning and molten. Breathing fast and huffy. She squeezed her eyes tighter.

DinaDinaDinaDinaDina.

Everything was Dina.

—-

Jesse has brought her lunch from the diner.

Dina wasn’t really hungry, but, just to humor him, and avoid his pestering, she thanked him and invited him to the lounge.

She’d picked at the sandwich, not really in the mood for eating or talking, but Jesse was there, all smiles and storytelling.

“Ok, so, I know tomorrow is the start of Hanukkah, so I’m thinking that we can spend it together, like, both of our families, just for, like, the first day at least.” Dina flicked the sandwich wrapping and rested her chin on her fist. She looked at the clock on the wall. Her break was over in ten minutes.

“I dunno, Jesse. My mom is very adamant about the old ways, she might not like that.” Hanukkah had always only been between the family. Dad would always light the candles. Now, only Talia did it. Her mom wouldn’t even let her touch the menorah.

“Your mom loves me. I’m sure she’d be all for it. How about you ask her tonight and let me know?” He kicked his foot up onto the table and she found herself annoyed at the action, “Jesse, put your dirty feet down. People eat there.” He laughed and raised his hands in surrender, “Geez, ok, Ms. Cranky.” She rolled her eyes at him.

“Look, mull it over. That way we can also spend Christmas together, and you can come to mine.” He waggled his eyebrows and she huffed. Dina pushes the half eaten sandwich towards him. He took it and bit it, leaning back on the chair.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Good, ‘cause I got you something sweet.”

She sat up and frowned. She forgot to buy him anything. A comic? Maybe? After all, he was into that nerdy shit with Ellie.

Ellie.

Dina had thought to distance herself a little more. Just being around her, listening to her, it drove her insane. Not being able to touch. Not being able to run her hands free through her hair, under her shirt, to trace her features, run her fingers over the little scars on her face, the scar on her eyebrow that made her so attractive.

But, being away from her. Watching from a safe distance. It hurt. It hurt so much more. It hurt when she spent entire shifts alone, it hurt to push her away. It hurt when the kids would ask for her. It just hurt so much.

Ellie had become pain to her. Being close to her was pain. Being away from her was pain.

Jesse sat up and balled up the wrapper, tossing it into the trash can and making it in, “Oh, did you hear what happened with Cat and Ellie.” Dina looked at him and crossed her arms.

Cat and Ellie shouldn’t belong in the same sentence. She swallowed the lump in her throat and attempted to act uninterested, “No, what happened?” She uncrossed her arms and pinched her thigh to stop her leg from bobbing.

“They started dating.”

Her vision blackened. Blood rushed through her ears. She held her breath.

No.

The world seemed to stop spinning. She couldn’t focus on anything, a bolt of burning hot electricity ran through her entire body. Her hands clammed up and clenched on her thighs.

Jesse was staring.

“I- uh, that’s- that’s good.” She calmed her breathing down and kept her clenched hands out of sight, “Good thing Cat found someone that wasn’t annoyed by her advances.” She tried joking. Jesse shrugged and smiled, “Not too many lesbians in Jackson I guess.” She half heartedly chuckled.

God fucking damn it.

She glanced at the clock again. Five minutes to go.

“I gotta get back to work. I’ll call you later.” She got up and Jesse followed her out of the lounge.

At the door he hugged her and kissed her.

Fucking Ellie.

She kissed him harder and held his collar. He hummed and pulled away, “Well, seems some affection bug bit you.”

“Shut up and get out of here before the bite wears off.” He saluted her and left.

Dina sighed and walked back to the counter.

Fucking Ellie.

She clenched her fist and willed the moisture in her eyes to dry.

Ellie wasn’t hers. She was a grown, single, woman and Dina was a grown, involved woman. She didn’t own her, Dina didn’t have the right to get angry. Ellie wasn’t hers.

Ellie would never be hers.

She slammed her hand over the sticker. Ugly fucking thing. She hated it so fucking much. She balled her hand up and slammed down again. Stupid fucking sticker. The moisture left her eyes and she sobbed. Fuck. Just fuck everything.

Why was she so fucking stupid?

Dina put her head down and let the tears run freely down her face.

Fucking Ellie.

—-

“Hey, we could do double dating.” Andrew was sitting across from her in Joel's dining room. He’d made burnt-to-shit-waffles, his specialty, but Ellie wasn’t really hungry. She pushed them around with her fork.

“I’m not dating anyone.”

He put a piece of waffle drenched in syrup in his mouth before pointing at her neck with the fork, “Those hickies tell a different story.” He said with a mouth full of food.

“People can have sex without dating.”

He put the fork down and stared at her as if he’d never heard of the concept before, “That’s super fucking douchey. How on Earth can you have sex with no feelings? Ellie, are a douche?” She flicked a piece of waffle at him.

“You know I am. Plus, this works best. No one gets hurt when things inevitably don’t work.” She shrugged. Andrew picked up the waffle piece and popped it into his mouth, “How do you know it won’t work? How do you know this girl won’t be the love of your life?” She frowned at him, “Gee, Andrew, you’ve been reading erotic paperbacks or something? I know because it’s the fucking truth. Everyone leaves eventually.”

“Have I left you?”

“We aren’t dating.”

He waggled his brows and sat up, “Babe, if this was all about you wanting in, I’ll drop Sam in a sec.” Ellie laughed and kicked him under the table.

“Shut up, retard. You’re not my type anyway.”

“Baby cakes, I’d shove melons under my shirt any day for you.”

“Ew, Andrew, stop.”

He grabbed his pecs and pushed them together, “I’ll work my chest out more, just for you. Shave all over and tuck my peen between my legs.”

She got up and laughed, “You are so fucking disgusting.” He fluttered his eyelashes and blew her a kiss, still bunching his pecs.

“I have to get to work, you bum. I’ll see you tonight.” 

She left the house and felt her phone vibrate as she got into the truck.

It was Cat. She sighed and rested her head on the steering wheel.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Ellie. I just- I just wanted to talk about what happened last night.” She could hear the howling wind pushing at her car. Ellie turned the engine on and flipped the heat. A cigarette wouldn’t hurt either. She flicked the end on and sat back on her seat.

“Sure.” She didn’t really want to talk about it. It felt wrong and dirty. To think of her friend like that, to feel another woman and only think of Dina. To squeeze her eyes shut and will her ears to hear the voice of her desires. Dina was ruining her.

“Maybe not over the phone, what about the diner across the daycare tomorrow?” 

No, not the diner. She could see the daycare across from any booth. But, Dina was Jewish, and if her watch was correct, Hanukkah started today for her. Did Jewish people get the whole eight days off? She wasn’t sure. Ellie wasn’t much for tradition or religion, she only celebrated Christmas to humor Joel. She honestly didn’t give a rat’s ass for Santa or baby Jesus.

She sighed and took a swig from her flask, “Ok.”

“Thank you… bye, Ellie.” She hung up.

Ellie took the car out of park and sped down the street, her grip on the steering wheel tight and almost painful. What the fuck was wrong with her? Why did she always have to fucking hurt everyone around her? Joel and Andrew constantly lived under her torment, Dina had stopped being herself over her, Jesse, her fucking friend, didn’t have a clue to how much Ellie wanted to fuck his girlfriend. Cat. She was hurting Cat. How could she have done that? Taken advantage of her, in an inebriated state. Andrew was right, she was a douche. Her foot came down harder on the pedal, a red light shining over her head.

Ellie was a sick fucking person. She hated herself so fucking much.

The truck skidded on a curve and she put the pedal to the ground.

Andrew and Joel and Dina and Jesse and everyone else would be so much better off without her.

She could hear the whizzing of the wind as the truck cut through the air.

Couldn’t even get her own place. Living in Joel’s backyard like a fucking leech.

A car honked at her, prolonged and loud and she could almost hear the anger.

Why did everyone leave her?

She squinted through the ice on the windshield and slammed the breaks on. The car skid a good twenty feet on the road before coming to a complete stop. The crossing guard put a hand to her chest and waved the kids on faster. Tiny little human beings, in bright parkas and huge backpacks. She swallowed in air and gasped.

She almost ran over a bunch of fucking kids.

Ellie was a horrible fucking person.

—

“Hey, Ellie, how are you?” Ellie shrugged and sat opposite to Cat. She’d ordered a coffee, and it sat in front of her, steaming.

They’d decided to meet at six, and the winter days were cut shorter, darkness outside only cut by the street lamps.

“I’m going to cut to the chase. What we did last time was fucked up. We fucked up.” Ellie nodded and fiddled with her fingers under the table.

“I want to try this again.” Ellie looked up. Try it again? Did- did she want to make their fucked mess into a relationship? Ellie saw movement beyond Cat and watched the daycare. Jesse’s car had pulled up into the parking lot. Her hands squeezed tight as she saw Dina exit the daycare and get into Jesse’s car.

It wasn’t fair.

Maybe.

Maybe Ellie just had to move on. Focus her attention on someone that actually gave a shit about her. Someone that wanted to try again.

“I’d like that too.”

Cat smiled and reached a hand out. Ellie didn’t think and grabbed it, interlacing their fingers, “Oh, what happened?” Cat had looked down and flipped their hands so that she could better stare at her nubs. Ellie pulled her hand back but Cat kept her grip, “Hey, don’t hide from me. I think they look pretty fucking badass.” She offered a smile and Ellie relaxed a little. It seemed not everyone was repulsed by her.

Especially not Cat.

“What happened?” What happened was that her fingers were blown to fucking smitherines, and her chest was peppered with shrapnel and all her fucking brothers and sisters died on some IED infested Afghan road.

“Work accident.” Cat rolled her eyes.

“You work in a hot dog slicing assembly line or something?” Ellie chuckled and grabbed Cat’s hand a little tighter, feeling the deft thin fingers between her own, “I work with table saws at a carpenter’s shop.” Cat rolled her eyes again, “I’ve seen saw blade accidents. This ain’t one. You don’t have to tell me. I’ll wait.”

Ellie looked back into her eyes. They were darker than Dina’s, but earnest and deep.

Maybe one day.

“Do you want to get breakfast tomorrow?” Ellie could try. She could try again.

Cat squeezed her hand.

“Sure.”

\---

Alan Jackson was twanging out about a honky Christmas.

Ellie had a cup of eggnog that she’d slipped half a flask of vodka into. Joel was none the wiser, whistling along to the fiddling of Alan. He had the ugliest Christmas sweater on. A big ol’ fat santa with a bulbous bright nose, shining by the power of some LED under the material.

He seemed happy, and that made Ellie happy.

The vodka helped a little too.

“I can’t believe that we have the creamiest, frotiest, sweetest eggnog bowl in the world, just sittin’ in the kitchen, and you’re drinkin’ that crap, Joel.” Tommy was sitting on the loveseat, a Big Gulp cup resting on his lap.

“Coffee ain’t crap. Say it again and I’m kickin’ your ass.” As to prove his point, he took a big sip and smacked his lips. Tommy chuckled and brought the ridiculous cup to his lips. He sat up and put the cup on the coffee table, “Where’s that boy Andrew anyway?”

Tommy and Andrew had a… complicated relationship.

They disagreed on right about anything, but were best of buds at times. It was like a seesaw, either they were at each other's throats, seconds from tearing each other apart, or ribbing on Joel together, shoulder to shoulder, laughing it up like best friends. It was a solid 50/50.

“He’s up there calling his girlfriend in Germany.”

Tommy laughed and smiled, his single eye scrunching in delight, “Goddamn, my boy’s got a girlfriend! That makes everyone but you, Ellie.” Guess they were friends again. “Where’s Esther, anyway?” Joel sipped his from his cup, “She’s coming later tonight.” He flipped his reading glasses on and groaned when leaning over the chair to pick his book up.

Joel was getting old. She sipped the spiked eggnog and hummed. She was warm.

“Where’s Maria?” Tommy smiled and put his socked foot on the coffee table, smiling wider when Joel huffed in annoyance, “She’s in town hall, helpin’ Hank with some crap ‘bout an after holidays party. She should be here ‘round an hour.”

Ellie sipped again and felt the heat swamp her. It was getting a little too much. She shrugged the hoodie off and threw it on the floor.

“Holy crap, guess I was wrong. Mighty un classy of you to be sportin’ them bruises so high up, though.”

Ellie felt her face flush, she slapped a hand to her neck and Tommy laughed, “You missed ‘bout half your neck!” Joel stared him down til he quieted, peetering chuckles in place.

He closed his book and cleared his throat, “Is this, uh… girl… Dina?” Ellie choked on her spit, coughing and punching her chest, her face felt impossibly warm, “I think she’s mighty fine, but…” He scratched the back of his neck and Ellie raised a hand to stop him from continuing. He continued, “I done think she’s with that boy Jesse.” Ellie scoffs and drinks again, to clear the mess in her throat “I fucking know. It’s not Dina.”

Joel nods and goes back to reading. She looks down and wiggles her toes. Ugly wool socks covering her feet. Little reindeer and wooden sleds. Joel was a big fucking nerd for Christmas.

Andrew bounded down the stairs, in a bright green sweater with the words ‘Ho! Ho!’ Above an image of a stripper clad in Santa hat and skimpy red bikini. “Tommy!” He launches himself over the couch and lands next to Tommy, aggressively hugging the oxygen out of his lungs.

“God dang, boy! You’ve gotten bigger!” He returns the embrace and they finally let go.

“Yeah, been eating my wheaties.” He sits back and flexes his biceps. Ellie rolls her eyes and finishes the cup, placing it back on the coffee table.

“Heard you got a girlfriend now.” He punches his shoulder and Andrew blushes, “Yeah, she’s great…” He trails off, wistfully staring up, suddenly, he sits up, all energy and smiles, “But, Ellie has one too!” She groans.

Fucking Andrew and his big mouth.

Tommy smiles harder, “Now I gotta know.”

She frowns and feels anger surge up. Why didn’t they just lay off? Her hands clenched and her eye ticked.

“Let’s lay off the subject and get the table ready.” Joel got up and laid his book on the table before folding his glasses up and sticking them in the shirt pocket of his flannel.

Ellie shuffled to the kitchen and helped put the plates down, Joel hovering over the oven. She wasn’t sure how that would go down. Joel could cook chili and pasta. That was about it. Anything else and it was wildly overcooked or horribly raw.

A knock on the door was heard and she ignored it, setting the plates down, quiet little thumps on the wood as the heavy china was quietly settled. Clinks for glasses and silverware. She sat down and watched Maria and Esther enter. Her head was buzzing. She watched them hug and kiss and smile. Ellie fiddled with her fingers under the table and felt out of place.

These people were family. They were happy together. They loved each other. They had each other. Ellie didn’t fit. She was the wrong peg for the hole. Maria squeezed her shoulder and she jumped a little. There was an apologetic smile on her aging face. 

She couldn’t remember much of the diner. Hell, she couldn’t even remember if the food was good, she barely touched it. And most days food was a bland gray to her mind. Tasteless, unappetizing. Like most things. She excused herself after Joel started to play on the guitar.

Old and confident plucks and strokes on the strings accompanied by his deep mellow voice. It only made her mind buzz harder. As if someone had shooken up a bees’ nest and chucked it into her noggin. His singing and music was too much for her, it reminded her of the days before she knew what fleeting life felt under her fingers, what the hollow pop of rounds felt under her shoulder, what burning flesh looked and smelled like.

She exited through the back door and hurried to her garage. Cat had called her twice and sent her a message. Something about a happy Christmas, but she ignored it. Her hands were shaking and her head was pounding and the dread was coming down upon her. What had triggered it this time? There were no loud noises, no images of deserts, no news broadcast about dead soldiers. It was all in her mind. Her dark fucked up mind that wouldn’t seize no matter how much liquor she downed or how much crap she shot up or how much powder she could sniff. There was no escape.

Ellie sat down on her bed and looked at her desk. Inside the left cabinet laid a .44 magnum with six rounds.

There was no escape.

Her hands trembled and she reached for the cabinet. It opened silently. Inside, besides old sketches and pencils, was the glinting metal of the revolver. She picked it up with her hands and weighed the heavy piece in her hand. Up and down. She never used it during her time in the Corps. They had different side arms. With more rounds, more effective for killing. She’d killed so many with those 9mm rounds.

Their bodies toppling over. Sometimes, if they were unlucky, they’d stumble over and kick like decapitated chickens, clutching their pouring wounds. She’d watch them. She’d watch them bleed from a distance. Sometimes they’d gurgle or howl, but always, always, she’d watch until their bodies went stiff them limp.

The metal was cold under her chin.

Her thumb smoothed over the engravings on the side, her fingers curling over the textured grip. She looked up and saw the sticker. Bright and beautiful. What would it look like coated in red? With her brains? Was that the only way the warmth of her body would ever reach it?

The tip of her index touched the trigger. A little squeeze would do.

She could stop the pain.

She could stop the nightmares and the panics and the horrible memories that plagued her. She could rid Joel of her burden. He could finally move on with his life, live with Esther and have a real family, have him stop worrying about her so much.

She took in a shaky breath and watched the sticker. Her hand tightened around the gun. It was so familiar. No matter the model, the killing machine under her finger tips would always feel familiar.

Ellie closed her eyes and pulled the trigger.

-

Except, there was no give.

There wasn’t a horrible flash or bang that rattled her brain. There wasn’t horrible, agonizing, unbearable pain that took seconds before it all went dark. 

She opened her eyes.

The sticker was still there. It wasn’t coated in her blood. There wasn’t a splatter of warm meat and flesh on the ceiling.

She looked down at the gun and almost shouted in anger. How fucking stupid could she be?! The fucking safety was on!

The little flap of metal was where she’d left it.

Her hands shook as the realization of what she’d almost done dawned on her. She dropped the gun and sobbed, a strangled moan coming from her throat. Ellie scrambled up the bed and over it until she fell off the other side, trying to put distance between herself and her actions.

She’d almost ended it all.

She clutched her head in her hands and hit the wall. Her body curled up and she rocked back and forth. What a fucking coward she was. It was right there. The means to her end. The out. The only way anyone could be happy, the only way the nightmares would stop, and she couldn’t fucking do it.


	9. My God Is The Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, I didn’t want to make y’all wait long after the last chapter, so here y’all go! If you’ve got anythin’ to say please leave it down below, comments are my drug. “Comments are a helluva drug.”

“The first step is admitting you are powerless to your addiction, it controls you, once you have accepted this fact you must come to believe that a greater power than yourself can restore your faith, your sanity, your control. We must surrender ourselves unto Him, a conscious decision to give power to God and accept his will, so that we may help ourselves.”

“What if we don’t believe in God?”

“God is not just a religious effigy. He is not just a leader we blindly follow. God is the people we love, the ideals we follow, He is the light at the end of the tunnel. You don’t have to believe in Him, but you must understand that there is a power greater than ourselves, that there is an out.”

“That doesn’t answer my question. What if there is no God? What if we choose not to believe in one? What if there is no out?”

“You must come to that conclusion yourself. There is an out, and your higher power can be any. AA only requires that you have the desire to quit drinking. My God may come from the Big Book, yours may be the people around you, the spiritual nature that surrounds life, it may be science. Your God may just be your will.”

“That’s really fucking vague.”

“Things are as vague as you want them to be. We control our perception of things. The only thing that we, as a group, truly have in common is the need, the want, to unshackle ourselves from the binds we have put upon ourselves.”

“How can we control our perception? Isn’t that the only thing that we can’t really control?”

“But can’t you? When we perceive we choose to see from our immediate point of view. What if we were to change position? To view from another angle? To walk around the corner and see the other side?”

“I’m not sure what this has to do with anything.”

“Think of it like this: when we drink, when that bottle touches our lips, we are powerless to it. The world has driven us to this addiction. Now, our perception is that the world has been molded to that point, where we drink. Now, view it from another side. What does an outsider see? A drunk who has chosen this miserable life for themselves. Ain’t no one forcing that liquor down their gullet but their own hand. Who’s right? What perception is true?”

“I dunno.”

“There ain’t no right or wrong or black and white. It’s all a muddle of gray. We are powerless to ambiguity as we are to our addiction.”

“You’re not making any fucking sense!”

“Ain’t I?”

—-

It was February and Dina couldn’t stand it anymore.

Jesse had gone back to school and things were running as they usually did but she was miserable.

She hadn’t seen Ellie for weeks now.

Dina had to see her. She had to know if she was ok. See if the wound on her head had healed, if she’d bought better shoes. How that tattoo of hers was going. She’d seen glimpses of it back in December. Dark and stark against her pale skin. It’s sight had sparked a horrible jealousy in her, knowing that Cat was the one working on it.

Just knowing that Cat and Ellie were an item drove her up the wall. She knew it was stupid to feel this way, to hate someone for doing something inevitable. There wasn’t a chance in hell that Ellie would go about Jackson without finding a suitor. She was gorgeous.

It seemed that Cat had the same opinion.

“Why are you so damn mopey all of the sudden?” Sam had swiveled on a desk chair from the break room. She’d been insufferable since coming back. Speaking German and walking around in wooden clogs. It made Dina smile at her antics, especially when she fumbled around and tripped like a newborn fawn on those horrible shoes. Dina wasn’t even sure if those shoes were German.

“Seasonal depression?” She huffed and sat up on the counter. It wasn’t like anyone was in the store anyway.

“Um, bullshit?” She spun around in the chair, the clogs tapping on the linoleum behind the counter.

“Not bullshit?”

“Bullshit bullshit?”

Dina rolled her eyes and flicked a paper clip at her, “Say bullshit one more time and I’m taking the shoes.”

“Gee, fine, I don’t want your dirty fingers on my clogs.”

There was a radio playing from the over speaker, some station belting out 80s hits and classics all day.

Tell me, how do I feel?

She’d heard the lyric blasting from Joel’s house when her heart couldn’t take it. It did nothing to ease her pain.

Especially when she saw a shirtless Cat running around the second level.

Those who came before me-

She’d decided to speed away after that.

She turned the radio off.

“Dina, c’mon, talk to me. I’m like, in your top ten favorite people list.” She scooted over and draped an arm around her midsection, puppy eyes and all. Dina rolled her eyes and pulled away, “As if. You’re top thirty on a good day.”

Dina sighed. She could relent. Let Sam know how far Ellie has dug under her skin. Let her know the fervent urge that coursed through her veins when they interacted. How much she wanted to taste those filthy lips.

“It’s Ellie.” Sam raised a brow at her, crossing her legs.

“Ellie? What’s it with Ellie? Has she been bothering you? Cause I haven’t even seen you guys talk for a long ass time.”

“That’s the thing! I haven’t talked to her. It’s driving me insane!” Sam raised her hands in surrender and fixed her with a searching gaze. She frowned and crossed her arms, Dina didn’t like that look.

“What?” Sam just stared at her for longer, lowering her hands and narrowing her eyes.

“Jesus, why are you staring at me like that?” Dina shuffled a couple feet away, frowning at Sam. She was rarely ever serious, and when she was, it wasn’t for a good reason.

Sam got up from the chair and leaned against the counter with her arms crossed, still fixing Dina with that serious and searching gaze. Dina huffed and pushed her shoulder, “Stop acting so fucking weird.” Sam didn’t even respond, just slowly blinked. Her blue eyes were piercing and Dina was becoming unnerved.

A good long silence dragged between them before Sam stood up straight, one hand on her hip and the other pointing at Dina, accusatory, “You like Ellie.”

Dina blanched.

Her breath stuttered and her hands shook. It seemed that those simple three words had triggered her flight or fight response.

“No! I- What the hell are you even- How- I don’t even- Sam!” She motioned around with her arms, throwing them up and down and all about. She quite literally resembled a tube man. Sam grabbed her by the shoulders and smiled, “Gee, Dee, calm your tits down. It’s ok.”

Dina pushes her off and backed away, “No! It’s not ok! Because- because it’s not true, ok!?” She was all energy now. No one could know.

Everything could come crashing down if anyone did. Jesse would hate her and leave her, her friends would think she’s some two cent whore, Mom and Talia would disown her! Her mother would personally toss all her shit out the front lawn, where everyone could see her shame. Just like she’d done back in high school.

She couldn’t deal with the shame again.

“Dina, calm down, ok?” Could she calm down? It wasn’t that big of a deal anyway. Right?

Sam sat her down on the rolling chair, her hands were sturdy and firm on her shoulders, “Hey, look, it’s ok, don’t trip out, ok?” Dina sighed and nodded.

“Don’t tell anyone, ok?”

Sam frowned and kneeled before her, hands on her knees, “Dina, there’s nothing wrong with liking anyone.”

Dina felt like shouting or crying or literally anything but sitting on that office chair, seconds from sobbing over the dumbest thing, “You don’t get it, Sam! I have Jesse and- and-“ It was wrong! What would her mother think? Dina knew what she’d think, her mother had made it clear back when she’d expressed interest in Jenny McLain during one of her breaks with Jesse.

“And Ellie’s a girl!” Sam backed up and grimaced.

“So what if she’s a girl?”

Dina found herself confused. It just wasn’t possible. Not for her, at least.

“Dina, I never pegged you as a homophobe.” At that Sam stood up and crossed her arms. That compassionate smile and playful eyes long gone.

“I’m not a homophobe, it’s just that…” What even was it? Was it that her mother had instilled tradition and orthodox ways into her? Was it that men were her only sexual experiences? Was it that Jesse seemed to be her default? The answer to the test? The inescapable constant?

“It’s just what? You know Cat’s a lesbian, right? What’s going on?” She’d moved closer now, her voice wasn’t as cold or sharp and accusatory.

Dina met her eyes and clasped her hands together. Her leg was bouncing up and down. “What does it matter? I shouldn’t even be feeling this way, I have a boyfriend.” She looked back down at her feet. Sam laid a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. Dina looked back up, she felt tears pooled in her eyes, she looked at Sam, “You can’t tell anyone.” It felt like getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar, and pleading for the witness not to tattle, to avoid a beating. It just felt wrong.

Sam gave her a small smile and nodded, she wiped a tear from her face, “I won’t.”

A customer walked in.

“How ‘bout you go back into the lounge and I handle it out here for a while?” Sam said as she pushed the rolling chair into the back room. Dina only nodded.

Her dirty little secret was spilling faster than an overflowing cup on a rollercoaster.

She buried her face in her hands and held in a sob.

—-

Sex with Cat was really fucking good. She was so energetic and fun and wild, it perfectly matched the energy that Ellie had thrumming through her blood stream.

She’d just bumped two hits in the restroom when she stumbled into the kitchen where Cat was completely naked, pouring scotch into a mug. Ellie smiled and walked up behind her, pressing her entire front into her naked back.

“Hey, babe, got some refreshments.” Ellie hummed and bit along the plane of her neck, down into her inked shoulder. She was beyond fucked up. Everything felt so good, amazing and warm and just so fucking good. Her skin burned but the pale inked skin in her clutches cooled her off. Ellie reached over and took the mug, downing it and turning the radio up.

She grinned and spun Cat around.

He do the song about the sweet lovin' woman.

Cat giggled and gripped her shoulders. Ellie’s head was numb and cotton-y and her skin buzzed with heat heat heat and energy. Her heart raced and she moved faster, spinning Cat and moving her around the kitchen, her feet jumping around.

Yeah, he do the walk of life.

Cat was breathing heavy and Ellie kissed her hot and heavy and quick on the mouth before picking her up by the waist and spinning around.

She was laughing and holding on tightly, “Ellie, you are super fucking drunk!” Ellie ignored her and hugged her to her body, kissing her face and nose and cheeks and chin and scrunching her eyes real tight.

It felt good to be touched. It felt good to be wanted and to want in return. Cat didn’t make her feel confused and angry or anything bad at all. She was fun and ecstasy and pleasure. She never asked questions, just went along with her shenanigans. Cat was the escape she needed.

“Ellie.”

She was small and thin and felt perfect under her hands.

“Ellie.”

She was smooth and pliant and fun and so bossy sometimes.

“Ellie!”

Cat didn’t fucking care where she was at three in the morning. She didn’t care if she showed up reeking of alcohol to her house because, soon after, they’d both be blasted.

“Ellie!!”

Cat was busy and had her own life. Her own ambition. She rarely had time for Ellie aside from quick fun. It was easy to manage.

“Ellie! You need to put me down!” Ellie blinked and looked around.

She had a horribly tight grip on Cat and the bottle of Scotch was spilling on the counter. The radio had turned off. She unwound her arms from Cat’s waist and stumbled back. Her heart was racing.

“Babe, your nose is bleeding.” Cat had a worried tone that Ellie found extremely unattractive. She didn’t need anyone mothering her or bitching after her.

Her face was numb and when she wiped under her nose she didn’t feel a thing. Ellie saw the back of her hand come back with an alarming amount of blood. Her head buzzed and her fingers trembled. She could taste the blood on her mouth. It kept coming. It was filling it.

It was going to drown her.

Her blood was going to drown her!

She spit on the floor and watched it splatter on the ground, a steady stream followed. So red. Bloody red! Alive and bloody and red!

She couldn’t take in oxygen! Her hands shook and she clamped them around her throat.

“Ellie, what the fuck in going on with you?!” Ellie looked at her and noticed a shirt on her. When had she put that on? Had she left the room? She shook her head and wiped away more blood and spit again. Cat raised a hand and Ellie backed away, “Don’t fucking touch me.” Her voice gurgled, the blood was in her throat.

“I’m going to call Joel.” Ellie growled and gurgled out a no, her hand shook in restraint. There was violence nagging in the back of her mind.

“Don’t fucking call anyone. I’m leaving.” She stumbled around Cat’s place and found her jeans and coat, shrugging them on before hurrying out, shoes in hand. Her white undershirt was bloody red. Her brain buzzed and distantly she could hear her name being called. 

Ellie stumbled down the stairs and forced the door open before falling face first onto the icy pavement. She groaned and sat up. There was blood on the sparse snow now. She spit again and tried to put her shoes on. Left goes with left and right goes with right. She tried again after she put her left shoe on the right.

“Fuck- Fucking shoes.” She muttered. She stood up when the fucking converse looked about right.

The sun hadn’t even peeked over the horizon yet. Ellie looked at her watch, it was 0600. She just had to get home before 0700 and all would be fine. She glanced around and felt her brain rattle in her head. She hissed and started walking.

Why did Cat have to fuck it up? Everything was going fine until she decided to fucking call Joel. How did she even get his phone number? Ellie stumbled on a curb and fell on her splayed out hands. She hissed again and picked at the little debri that had lodged itself into her bloody palms. There was no way she was going to make it in time. Her brain was abuzz and her vision swam. She hiccuped and kneeled on the ground, her forearms holding up her upper body.

The high was starting to wear off. She reached into her pockets and then her coat pockets and then the inside of her shoes. She sat up and whirred around. Where the fuck was her coke? She stood up on shaky legs and tried to orient herself. Where was she? Where was the tattoo parlor?

A car whizzed by.

People were waking up and her head was starting to pound, her nose was still bleeding. “Fuck me.” She squinted and pulled her phone out. She couldn’t call Joel or Andrew. They’d be super pissed. Jesse was gone and Cat was being a bitch. She screamed and threw the phone across the street. She slapped herself and saw another car pass by, utterly crushing the already FUBAR phone. Fuck that guy and his car, fuck Cat, fuck everyone in Jackson.

Another car passed by.

Ellie sat down and felt the cold deep into her pants and ass.

The car slowed down and suddenly stopped. Ellie spit again and watched the familiar car back up. It stopped in front of her and Ellie looked at the mismatched tire. The window rolled down.

Ellie felt her heart stop and then start back up with the speed of a million generators.

“Dina.” She breathed out.

The driver, wide eyes and harsh breathing, offered her a tight smile. Ellie watched her face, her bright tired eyes, that red pretty mouth, that perfect complexion, and felt herself get angry. Her hands clenched themselves into fists. She struggled to her feet again, for what felt like the millionth time, and walked away.

The car followed her, “Ellie.” She just walked faster, her breathing uneven and harsh and painful. She felt like crying and punching and running and kicking.

“Ellie, please stop.” Ellie stopped and whirled towards Dina, her skin burned and everything within and outside her body shook, “What the fuck do you want?” She couldn’t help the venom that laced her words.

How could she? How could she just drop her like some old toy she didn’t want to play with anymore? How could she just leave her alone and confused and yearning? Dina was unfair and cruel and Ellie hated herself for wanting to be closer to her, wanting to touch her and kiss her and- and- and to talk to her! To just sit down and stare at that beautiful face and talk.

“I want to talk. Can we?” Her face was splotchy and red and her eyes swam. Ellie was equal parts tempted to run or kiss her or just seize to exist all together. Ellie swayed in place and wiped her nose. Dina squinted at her and opened the door. She gasped and fully stepped out before hurrying to her.

Ellie watched her. So intently. Her every move. Her face and body and little movements. She wanted. So bad did she want.

“What happened to you?!” Her warm hands were on Ellie’s face, moving it up and down, like she’d done at the hospital, but Ellie’s eyes never strayed from Dina’s. “Why are you covered in blood, Ellie?!” She felt like a statue, but the second that Dina’s hands started to leave her face, she slumped forward and held her close. Dina gasped but returned the tight embrace. “‘M sorry. Getting blood on your coat.” She slurred against her shoulder. Ellie felt a sob wrack Dina, “Don’t worry about it. Let me take you to the hospital.” Ellie tensed and shook her head. She already knew what was wrong with her. She didn’t need some creep lab coat telling her how fucked she was.

“I don’t like hospitals.”

“I don’t either.” Dina sighed and pulled away, but not too far, she still held her face, “Let me take you to the daycare. We have first aid there.” 

Ellie felt so utterly conflicted. So many things were coming in and out of her brain. The fleeting high, her coke, Cat, Joel, her phone, work, Andrew, and so much Dina. Dina everywhere. Dina in her mind, around the corner, under her nails, in her shoes, beside her bed. 

Dina gently led her to the passenger door. Ellie stiffened and looked at her. Dina opened the door and nudged her. Ellie didn’t move. “Why are you doing this?” Ellie whispered. Her voice was rough. Dina whimpered and covered her mouth. Ellie watched her with a frown. Dina’s eyes swam, flitting all over her face. She reached a hand out, the tips of her fingers barely touching her face. On her cheek, up her temple, on her old wound, “It’s not healing.” Her voice cracked and Ellie felt a wave of pain crash into her brain. Her hand shot out, holding onto the car to avoid toppling to the ground. 

“Please, Ellie.” She was pleading now and Ellie couldn’t take it. She blinked slowly and nodded before clambering into the car. Dina closed the door and ran to the other side.

Ellie’s head lolled left and right, everything was starting to come down. The ecstasy was pain again, the numbness was no more, her hot skin was starting to freeze over as shivers wracked her body. The paranoia and the anxiety was still present, the possibilities of being caught, or hurting someone. She’d wanted to shut Cat up. To slam her head against the counter, dig her fingers into her eye sockets.

She gasped and stared at her fingers.

They were bloody red.

Gnarled and calloused and scared, they were her eternal reminder of the things she’d done. The people she’d killed, be it with a government issued weapon or with her own strength. Squeezing and gouging and ripping.

A hand landed on her shoulder and she jumped.

“Ellie.” Dina was staring at her. Worry in her eyes. Ellie shoved her hands into her coat and looked out the window, “‘M fine.”

People were already starting their day. Opening up shop and flipping their closed signs around. Ellie envied them as much as she envied the populous in Jackson’s cemetery. What would Joel think? Or Andrew? Or Dina? Would she hate her even more than she already did? Surely she already found her abhorrent and disgusting, keeping her distance for a month. Whatever it was that she was doing was a charity. Like giving a homeless man a fiver. You didn’t really care. It was mostly to keep up appearances, to trick yourself into thinking you actually gave a shit.

She didn’t want to think anymore.

Ellie put her head on the headrest and closed her sore eyes. Hopefully, she wouldn’t wake again. Because god knew she was a fucking coward that couldn’t end it herself.

She glanced at Dina once more.

It wouldn’t be the worst last view.


	10. I Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, gals... and gals, we’ve got some commu.

Surely she was being punished by some superior power.

Finding Ellie stumbling around the streets of Jackson was scary enough, but finding her covered in blood, as if she’d butchered a pig and gobbled it down was fucking terrifying. Her skin was pale and her eyes were scary. One was dilated and blown to shit while the other was a minuscule pupil. She reeked of alcohol and sweat and something else she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

Her heart had raced when she saw her, and positively burst when Ellie slumped against her.

Something was so beyond wrong.

She hauled ass to the daycare, not caring that her parking job was shoddy and taking up two spots. There was a more pressing matter. The girl beside her, smelling of every vice known to man. Dina gulped and gasped.

Ellie looked horrible. She resembled some apocalypse survivor, or even worse, some recently turned zombie or whatever it was that the comic books talked about. Dina nudged her shoulder, her heart vibrating her chest. Seeing her like this was hurting her horribly.

“Ellie.” She muttered. Dina had to wipe her eyes. God, she was so fucking pathetic.

The girl in question spasmed and coughed awake. She wiped her nose and slumped forward. Dina clenched her eyes closed and stuttered out a breath.

She opened the door and got Ellie out. Ellie rested her cheek on her head and stumbled along with her to the daycare. Dina struggled with the keys but managed to open the door. She led her to the employee restroom and sat her on the toilet. Ellie still kept her head down, fiddling with her bloody hands.

There was just so much blood. All over her nose and down her chin and into her shirt. It was horrifying and it hurt Dina so fucking much. Her heart was constantly being stabbed and punctured and beaten when she glanced at her. 

She threw the cabinets open and grabbed the first aid kit. She hurried over to Ellie and kneeled in front of her. God, her nose was still bleeding.

“Ellie, pinch your nose and breath through your mouth, ok?” Ellie nodded and kept her eyes on her. She looked so tired and beat up. Dina couldn’t help herself as she cupped her cheek and leant her forehead against hers. She could hear her raspy and heavy breathing.

She moved away and started to wipe the blood away with an alcohol rag. Down her nose, around her nostrils, down her chin, around her mouth. Her hands were shaking, watching blood wipe away to reveal pale skin and scattered freckles, “Oh, Ellie.”

Ellie was still staring at her. Her pupils had evened out, now they swallowed most of the green.

“Why did you stop talking to me?” It sounded funny as she said it, her nose still being pinched, and her words breathy. Dina hung her head down.

“I didn’t.” It was a lie, clear as day.

“Yes you did. You cancelled everything, you didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. Why?”

Dina picked her head back up. Ellie’s eyes were swimming, her brows scrunched into a frown that would look intimidating was she not on the verge of tears.

“I miss you so much.”

She swallowed in breath and leant back on her feet, “I miss you too.”

Ellie was clearly under the influence. Dina just hoped it was alcohol, but she hadn’t acted that loopy back at the party. This Ellie was foreign to her. Mostly. She had shown up to the den acting weird sometimes.

“Ellie, can you be honest with me?”

Ellie nodded, clumsy, like a child, still fidgeting with her bloody fingers. Dina grabbed her hands and wiped the blood away, keeping eye contact. When they were sufficiently clean she held them between her own, rubbing her scarred knuckles. 

“What did you do?” Ellie gurgled and cleared her throat, she looked down to her beat up shoes. Dina squeezed her hands. She wanted to hold her close and kiss the pain away, but she had to know what was wrong with her. It was killing her, breaking her, Dina was on the verge of a breakdown, on the verge of crying and shouting.

“I- I-“ She doubled over and threw up into the wastebasket. Dina stood up and helped her to the open toilet. Dina leant down beside her, soothingly rubbing her back as Ellie emptied the contents of her stomach. She couldn’t help but remember the hospital, how she thought that Ellie would be attractive no matter the setting.

And, sitting there, rubbing her back, hearing her retch, she found it true. It wasn’t a disgusting gas station, true, but close enough. A sob wracked Ellie’s body and Dina leant her front against her back, rising and falling with the uneven breathing. “Oh, Ellie, what are you doing to me?” She whispered against her back. Ellie rested her head against the seat and sighed. A long and tired thing, resigned to this painful faith.

“C’mon, I have a spare shirt for you.” She knew she wasn’t going to get anything out of her in such a state. Ellie stumbled up and followed her out like a lost puppy.

The daycare was still dark. Clean and empty. The kids wouldn’t be in for another thirty minutes. Dina sat Ellie down on her desk chair and rummaged around the duffel under the desk. Working at a daycare was far from a clean job and spare clothing was more of a necessity.

She pulled out an old RHCP shirt and handed it to Ellie. She took it and stared at it for a second, “I already have a shirt.” Dina rolled her eyes and started to take her coat off, “Yeah, but this one isn’t covered in blood. Now c’mon and take this off.” Ellie somehow managed to be more of a hassle with a coat than her kids.

Dina huffed and grabbed the hem of the disgusting shirt, she pulled it off and balled the offending item up, careful to hide away the blood.

Ellie was completely shirtless now. In a sports bra. In front of Dina. Dina felt her face heat up. She looked away, towards the wall of drawings. The same drawing Ellie had been present for all those weeks ago.

She heard Ellie struggling and chanced a peek.

“Oh my god.” She ignored the heat in her lower gut and helped Ellie get her head through the shirt, and then her corded arms through the sleeves. Ellie smiled at her, sad and small, “I’m sorry.” Dina sighed and sat on her desk, facing Ellie. She couldn’t keep a distance.

It was going to kill her.

But, seeing Ellie was already killing her.

There was clearly something wrong with her already. Dina wasn’t stupid. Ellie wasn’t just drunk. She’d taken something. And that something had her all loopy and fucked and gaunt and tired.

“Please tell me what you took.”

Ellie was blank. Her face pale and ghostly.

“You already know.”

Dina scoffed and crossed her arms, her eyes still swam and she was fighting to keep the moisture in, “I don’t know jack shit. All I know is that you’re bleeding like a stuck pig, your goddamn head looks freshly wounded and you’re high right fucking now.” She was on the verge of shouting.

Ellie was still blank, she put a hand to her head. Her fingers prodded her nose and then her temple, “I thought Andrew told you.”

Dina was growing frustrated. Ellie was a puzzle, an enigma. Nothing was what it seemed with her. “Andrew hasn’t told me anything.” She uncrossed her arms and hung her head. Ellie shuffled closer on the chair. Dina watched as her hand lightly touched her knee. 3/5s of a hand. Dina grabbed it between her own and looked up. Ellie looked the most lucid she’d been all day.

“You have to promise me you won’t leave me.” Her voice cracked, “Not again.” Dina felt a tear spill down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away.

“I promise.” 

Ellie cleared her throat and blinked, her hand balled up, “I’m an addict.”

It felt like the floor gave under her.

Like the world beneath her feet seized to exist and she just plummeted into a chasm below. Ellie an addict? God she was so fucking stupid! She should’ve known. She should’ve known when she didn’t drink at the party and then snuck out with her like a teenager doing something wrong. She should’ve known when Jesse ordered those fucking alcohol free margaritas and she should’ve fucking known when Ellie showed up tweaked out at the den.

So, yeah, sue her for starting to sob.

Her body shook with her crying. Dina tried to wipe the evidence away, but Ellie was already watching her, she’d pushed away and stood a couple feet from her. Hands deep in her pockets. “I should go.” Dina stood up and grabbed her by the shoulders.

“Since when?” Ellie looked down and kicked at the carpet. She shrugged. Dina tried again, “Since when.” It wasn’t a question anymore.

“Almost two years.”

Two years. Two years of addiction and Dina had been too busy mind fucking her to notice that Ellie needed serious help. She was a horrible person.

“Stay. I’ll tell Joel that you’re with me.”

Ellie frowned. She pushed Dina away, gently. It still hurt. “You can’t tell Joel.”

Dina nodded and leant against the desk, giving Ellie her space, “Ok, I won’t, just…” She glanced up at the clock on the wall. It was 6:50. The kids would be in in, like, five minutes. “Just stay. With me. I won’t tell Joel what.. what happened. Just- just that you’re here.” Ellie nodded.

“We have a back room. You can lay your head down on the couch if you want.” Dina just hoped that Ellie would stay. Stay with her, away from whatever it was that was hurting her.

Dina led her to the room and mentally prepared herself for the day ahead.

—-

The kids seemed to tell she was out of the loop.

They were significantly more docile and quiet. Dina had put a movie on and handed out juice boxes. Their usual incessant chatter and roughhousing had been dialed down to a two. Steven, the biggest kid, and the one with the most energy, has simmered down when she sent him a tired and defeated stare. Now he sat braiding Jessica’s hair.

She didn’t want to bring their mood down. They were just kids. They didn’t know what was wrong. What the complexities of adult life held. Kids just couldn’t grasp their minds around crippling addiction and crushing responsibility or what adults did to themselves. Kids were simple and a bad day for them was tripping on the playground or some other insignificant shit.

She banged her head on the desk. There was some Disney musical belting from the old 1994 junk box on the wheel cart. She’d called Joel after Ellie had laid down. It was a little awkward, and she didn’t say much about the situation, but he seemed to understand, just telling her to take care of Ellie and make sure she made her way home before dark.

“Ms. Dina.” Bubby tugged at her sleeve.

“Yes, Bub?” She picked her head up and sat up. She couldn’t show weakness. Not in front of her kids. Though she sensed they already could.

“I gotta potty.” Dina sighed and nodded, taking his hand and leading him to the kid’s restroom.

Some little asshole at school had told him that a snake would slither through the pipes and bite his ass anytime he used it. Dina would kill to know the kid that told him that. Bubby was already an overly sensitive kid, smaller than most, and afraid of right about everything. Now, with this new fear instilled into him, Dina had to accompany him to the restroom every time he had to go.

It wasn’t something she enjoyed doing.

“Do you think you’re ready for me to wait outside this time?” She really hoped he could. Standing around while a shameless kid took a crap wasn’t something she’d prepared for when taking the job. Bubby shook his head and she internally groaned.

The ritual for the snake began. She opened the lid, “No snake.” He nodded and watched her from the door. She opened the tank lid and peered at the snake-free pipes and water, “No snake. We’re clear for take off.” He giggled a little and she leant against the sink, arms crossed.

What was she going to do? What could she do? Was there even anything in the world to help Ellie? Dina didn’t think less of her for it, but she just couldn’t wrap her mind around this new information. How had it started? Why had it started? Did Andrew know? It seemed that Jesse was more in the loop than she was. What about Cat?

God, just thinking about Cat soured her mood further.

Surely Cat had to know. They were dating. Girlfriends. Two women. Two women that engaged in romantic and sexual activities. Dina knew this. Her mind was a muddle of jealousy and wanting to just have Ellie for herself, and the other a mess of confliction about what her family would think, how Jesse mixed into it. What the fuck was she to think? What the fuck was she to do? It was stressful and painful. What about school? She couldn’t just spend her whole life in Jackson, working job after job. And her mother? Who would take care of her? Not Talia, that was for sure. She had her own life, her own studies, her own job.

Fuck!

It felt as if god were punishing her for some fucking sin she’d committed. Was it Jenny? Was it wanting to taste her mouth all those fucking years ago what she was being punished for?! Her fucking mom sure thought so. God!

Dina rubbed her head.

She could just go back to school, no matter what Jesse or Talia said. She couldn’t just fucking drop it all. So many people relied on her. She couldn’t just leave Ellie. God, Ellie! She made her want to scream and kick and cry! Everything about her! And now this! Dina couldn’t keep her distance. And she couldn’t get close either! She had Jesse. Jesse who loved her and wanted them to move in together. Jesse who was on the verge of finishing his degree. Jesse who had sent her a link to a real estate website last night. Jesse who she didn’t lo-

“I’m done, Ms. Dina.”

She shook her head and stepped away from the sink, kicking the stool into place. Bubby climbed up and started to wash his hands.

Suddenly, she heard a chorus of shouting and giggling from the main room.

When Bubby had rinsed his hands out she walked out into the room.

Ellie had left the back room and sat Indian style in the middle of the floor, the kids all around her. She still looked like absolute shit but there was a small smile on her face. Most of her smiles were that way anyway.

She must’ve said something funny or done something hilarious because the kids were laughing all around her, trying to get her attention. Bubby let her hand go and ran over to the gangly woman they’d missed and inquired about so much for weeks.

“Ellie!” They shouted and clambered around her.

Ellie, despite her state, seemed content among them.

Dina walked over. Ellie snapped her head up at her and offered a goofy lopsided smile. It didn’t reach her eyes.

“Hey, are you ok?”

Ellie nodded.

“Can I braid your hair!” Jessica didn’t really ask, and got to grabbing at her hair, undoing the low bun. Steven jumped up, “Me too!” He got to working on the other side.

Dina excused some of the kids and sat down next to Ellie.

“Are you sure you’re up for...this?” She motioned around to the kids who had gained some energy since the movie. Ellie nodded, as much as she could with kids pulling at her hair and scalp. Her hand covered Dina’s, “I just want to say I’m sorry. For everything. And… for seeing me like that. I’ll- I’ll get out of your hair.” Her hand pulled away but Dina held it. She squeezed it.

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

“Ellie! Ellie! Look at this!” Arnold did an unimpressive spin.

“Pretty cool.” Ellie squeezed her hand, “Why did you stop talking to me?”

Because I’m obsessed with you? Because I want to be around you all the time? Because I want to kiss you and spend the holidays with you and hold your hand and forget everything around me and just fucking run away with you?

“Because I’m stupid. I was taking my problems out on you.” Ellie grimaced and wiggled her fingers.

“I thought Andrew told you.” Dina read in between the lines. She knew what Ellie was referring to.

“I would never stop talking to you over that.” Ellie looked down. 

“Ellie, look at me.” She kept her eyes down. Dina squeezed her hand again, “Please, just look at me.” She looked up and Dina couldn’t help but find her stunning. Bloodshot and tired and ringed in dark eyes, she was still pretty.

“I would never do that.”

“Ok.” And Dina believed her. She believed that Ellie trusted her on that.

Dina, for the first time since she’d picked Ellie up from that cold curb, noticed the ink on her forearm. She trailed her hand up and flipped Ellie’s forearm into her lap. Ellie let her. Dark and stark leaves wrapped around her forearm, a large moth at the base. And, at that moment, she took back anything she’d said about tattoos. It was beautiful and so fitting. It was so Ellie. Sad and dark and beautiful. Just like Ellie.

“I designed it.” Dina smoothed her palm over the taut skin. She loved it. She loved it so much.

“From that ‘astronaut’ I didn’t reckon you were an artist.” Ellie chuckled.

“I’ll have you know that finger paint isn’t my medium.” She squeezed her hand again, “And, if I remember correctly, someone didn’t let me finish.” Dina laughed and tapped on Ellie’s forearm, “Don’t act like you didn’t partake in that violent assault. If anything, the abrupt stop probably helped that poor astronaut.”

“You talk a lot of shit for a crappy gold pot.”

Dina slapped her shoulder, “Ellie! The children!” They were speaking quiet enough that the kids couldn’t hear, and most of them were either braiding hair or doing ‘parkour’ to gain Ellie’s attention.

Currently, both ‘pieces of art’ hung on the cork board along with all the other finger drawings. Dina didn’t have the heart to throw them away. At least not Ellie’s. The funky blue astronaut had wormed its way into her heart just like her creator had.

“I’m sure they’ve heard worse from you.”

Dina laughed and swayed where she sat. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. A comfortable silence floated between them. Ellie watched the kids, a little smile on her face, and Dina watched her, silly messy braids sticking out of her head.

“You look wack.” She lightly pulled on one of the braids.

Ellie smiled at her. Toothy and crooked.

They would get through it together.


	11. Blue Popsicles

Andrew was running around in socks, boxers, and a ruffled button down, belting lyrics into a hair comb. Ellie had just walked into the living room and plopped on the couch.

Andrew was too immersed in his rendition of ‘Tainted Love’ to pay attention to his new audience. Not like it really mattered, he was as shameless as they came. He butchered an alto and slid to a stop in front of Ellie, his back to her. She crossed her arms and smiled.

With flourish, and a hella ton of pizzazz, Andrew jump-turned, arms held out, stance wide, knees bent, head up in the sky.

“Touch me, baby, tainted love!” He scrunched his eyes closed and hit the ground on his knees. Finally, he opened them and spotted Ellie. Who, to her credit, hadn’t burst into laughter yet.

“Ellie! Hey!” A big ol’ goofy smile spread across his ruddy face. Absolutely no remorse or embarrassment marred his features. He jumped up from the floor and threw himself onto the couch, landing his heavy fucking head on her lap, “Jesus! Andrew! Your fucking head weighs a ton.” She pushed it away but he just stiffened his neck, sticking a blue tongue out at her. She frowned and poked the little blue flesh.

“Hey!” He stuck his tongue back in and held a large hand over his mouth.

“If you ate all the popsicles in the fridge I swear I’ll kill you.” He sat up and threw a hand over her shoulder.

“Calm down, I only had like four.”

“Andrew, that’s half the box.”

He shrugged and rested that heavy head on her shoulder, “Guess who called today?”

Ellie sighed and resigned herself to the faith that was Andrew’s brotherly affection, “Was it Sam, by any chance?” She could feel him smile against her shoulder, “Well, yes, and it was great! But, she calls everyday. Someone else called.” She groaned and knocked on the shaved part of his growing buzz cut, “Spit it out, Andy.” He huffed. Andrew hated being called Andy. Ever since they’d watched Toy Story as kids and Ellie had taken to vandalizing all of his shoes.

“It was Samuel, y’know, the other Sam in my life.”

She stiffened.

Samuel had been there when the convoy hit the IED. Samuel had been there when the fuckers popped out from their sandy trenches and unleashed a hellfire of spraying shots at them. Samuel had stepped on some debris and shattered to pieces, his entire leg seeming to de materialize into a mist of blood and chunks. They’d said Samuel wouldn’t make it. And Ellie, after coming home, hand mangled, mind broken, had decided to distance herself from her fire team and squad.

“I thought Samuel died.” Andrew nodded and sat up, hands on his bare knees.

“Yeah, I thought so too. Turns out that he’s been in an Afghan hospital for, like, a year.” He seemed overly excited. His hands now animated and swinging about.

“I saw him step on that IED.” She murmured, her brain taking her back to that horrible day.

—

Scorching heat, the kind that melted the rubber of their boots and left perfect black imprints on the packed sand. Riley had been there with her, reading a comic and tugging at her trouser leg. Ellie sat on the gunners turret. The previous one had been shot in the chest twice last week on a routine sweep.

She’d watched the horizon, alternating between sipping from her water bottle and boiling hot Gatorade. Their vehicle led the convoy, her hands gripping the 50 cal, letting go now and then to stretch her fingers and rest them from the burning metal. Sweat pooled on her clavicle, running down her face and back. Almost nothing was discernible in the distance, a wave of heat warping the horizon. She wiped her sweaty face. “Ok, hear this, Dr. Star finds out that those bastards, the Travelers, are actually bad guys.” Ellie chuckled and wiped her sweaty brow again, “I totally knew it. I told you they were sketch since the second issue.” Riley pinched her leg. “Ow!”

“You are a big fucking liar. You thought they looked cool, there’s no way you would’ve found that out. Plus, this is issue 5, which came out, like, two months ago.” Things got to them pretty late out in the hostile desert. Ellie had just gotten a letter from Joel and Tommy wishing her a happy birthday. That was about three months ago.

She was half way through her third combat deployment. The first one was like nothing she’d ever experienced. No amount of training or drills could ever prepare you for the fear and chaos that enemy engagement brought. Stepping out of the wire was a shock for the ages. The foreign land and language and foods and mannerisms just the tip of the iceberg. It was when hollow pops of AK47s went off, and 7.62 rounds hit the sandbag beside your head, that you knew you could die at any moment. It was seeing them for the first time. Freezing and watching. The realization that the threat was real, the fear that made you want to shit your pants. And then the desperation and anger. The adrenaline that ran through your blood as you fired back, the immense gratification that came from killing one of those fucking animals.

And then, the horror. When the battle was over and your fire team swept the area and you saw their human bodies on the ground. Young and dead. Knowing that that same motherfucker was the one you’d shot at, and seen drop before you.

Now, after almost three tours, she knew nothing else. Ellie only knew to kill.

“Riley, what’s an Afghan’s favorite food?”

“If you say lead or knuckle san-“

“Sand-wich.”

Riley groaned and Ellie smiled. She took a sip of the hot water and fought back a gag.

“Can you guys stop with the nerdy-“

There was a lurching blast that encompassed the entire right side of the vehicle, flipping it up and into the air. Ellie was sure there must’ve been a horrible blast but her ear could hear nothing, just the high pitch of frequency.

Almost as if everything had gone into slow motion, she saw the humvee tilt and jump, the desert road and then the cloudless sky and the ground, shaking her body like a rag doll and slamming her against the metal of the vehicle and then the hot pavement. She couldn’t breath and her eyes couldn’t focus and the sky was down and the sand was up, metal and glass and...bloody fingers? 

Slowly the ringing seized and the horrifying, blood curdling, screams and howls of her brothers and sisters filled the air. She tried to gasp in air but only felt liquid fill them, hot and burning and acidic, right into her core and throat. Burning pain thrummed through her chest and hand and forearm and all the way to her fucking head. Her mouth opened and closed, like a fish out of water.

She saw movement. The convoy from behind had come and provided cover. They fired out into the sand, loud rounds being shot and even louder rounds whizzing by and hitting the vehicles. Ellie flipped her body over and screamed in pain, blood pouring out of her mouth. There were boots in her vision but she could only stare at her hand.

Oozing dark, positively gushing, blood fucking everywhere, mangled and torn flesh peeled back to reveal muscle and bone. She felt bile rise to her throat and threw up. MRE and green Gatorade and blood. She whined, high and horrible and in pain.

Ellie crawled out of the vehicle, her body, clad in uniform and vest, dragging across the hot floor and glass and melting plastic. Iron and burning flesh invaded her nose and senses. She stopped and ran a hand down her chest, watching the intact fingers come back covered in blood. She choked and felt the desperation claw at her mind and body and chest cavity. She was going to fucking die.

Every movement only aggravated her pouring wounds, rubbing debri into them. She tried to scream again but nothing but a whine came out, drowned by the screams of her brothers and sisters and the bullets and the orders and-

And she saw Samuel, running in front of her, trying to get a Marine out of the line of fire, surely with intention to drag them to safety, but before he could get to them, his left foot hit the ground and his body lurched up.

She wanted to scream. Sand and dark plumes and blood. Something landed beside her mangled hand and she knew it was Samuel.

Oh god!

Riley!

She had to find Riley!

His fucking leg! God-

—

“Ellie! Hey, Ellie!”

She blinked.

Andrew had scooted down the couch, away from her.

“Hey, you ok? You had a moment again.”

Her hands were gripping her thighs. Tight. She took a deep breath and smoothed her hands over her legs. This one seemed ok. She was calm. This time she hadn’t flipped her shit and gone into a frenzy.

“I didn’t hurt you, right?” She really wished she hadn’t. Andrew deserved no amount of pain in his life.

“No, this time you kinda froze and zoned out. I’m sorry if I fucked you up.” He hung his head and messed with the button of his dress shirt. She shook her head.

“What did you talk with Samuel about?”

He picked his head back up and lounged against the couch, easy smile on his face, “He got a kickass robo leg! And he’s in Pittsburgh with his brother Henry! He asked me about you and wanted to know if we wanted to visit him.”

She grimaced and fiddled with her fingers, “I dunno about that.”

Andrew moved so that his back was against the armchair and his face was staring right at her. He poked her arm with a socked foot, “How ‘bout you mull it over in that tiny head of yours?” She slapped his leg away. “God, Andrew, put your legs down. I’m seeing south of the equator and it ain’t pleasant.” He laughed and snorted.

“Judgy much? I’ll have you know that Sam loves my south of the equator.” 

She gagged and grimaced, “Can’t believe you’re partaking in pre marital sex.” He burst into laughter and crossed his legs on the couch, “I’m not an orthodox Christian good boy.” Ellie rolled her eyes and got up from the couch. “Could’ve fooled me.”

“Where were you all of yesterday? I called and you didn’t answer and then I called Joel and he told me you were fine but he didn’t tell me where you were-“ Ellie held up a hand and opened the freezer. She pulled out the popsicle box and rattled its contents, “You lying bastard.” She pulled out a single bar, “How the hell did you eat seven bars??” He shrugged.

“What?? I was craving blue popsicle!”

She threw the box in the bin and peeled the plastic off the bar. It was one of the few things she could stomach.

“You ignored my question. Where were you? And where’s your phone?”

She bit the popsicle and saw Andrew grimace, “I was with Dina, and my phone...fell.”

He whistled and jumped up onto the kitchen counter, hairy legs swinging, “How does your girl feel about this dynamic?”

She knew that Andrew was just joshing. He couldn’t even begin to grasp the dynamic they actually had. A really weird and convoluted one. Dina was one of the few people that knew about her… problem. Hell, the people that knew could be counted on one hand. Her bad hand.

And Cat. Cat didn’t know. And they hadn’t spoken yet since Ellie flipped out.

“Andrew, get yer ass off mah counter.” Joel had come in while they were having their little argument in the kitchen. Ellie nodded at him in acknowledgment and he squeezed her shoulder in passing. Andrew grumbled and jumped off. “What’re ya even wearin’?” He opened the fridge and rummaged about.

“Uh, I was clearly having my Risky Business moment?” He sounded incredulous. Ellie pinched him and walked over to the dining table and sat down, “You are the furthest thing from Tom Cruise.” He flexed his arms, “Yeah, I’m waayyy hotter.”

“Who ate all the potato salad?” Joel closed the fridge with a little more force than necessary. He didn’t turn around, hand still on the fridge’s handle. His back faced them and Ellie watched Andrew visibly gulp. She chuckled and bit her bar again.

“Andrew.” God he sounded pissed.

“Joel, don’t forget who’s been with you through thick and thin-“

“Andrew.”

“Look, Ellie can totally vouch for me, I’m a good guy and I contribute to society and-“

“Andrew.”

Ellie kicked his shin, shushing him with the almost clean popsicle stick. He looked like a man on death row.

“Andrew, you’ll put some pants on an’ drive your ass to the HEB and buy four tubs of Texas Kitchen Deviled Egg Potato Salad.” He turned around, a dead serious stare on his face. Ellie had a smile behind her hand. Andrew nodded and ran out the kitchen and up the stairs. It wasn’t long before the sound of the front door opening and closing was heard.

Ellie burst into a chuckle and threw the stick towards the bin. She missed.

Joel broke his composure and smiled, picking her trash and throwing it in. He leant on the counter and crossed his arms. Ellie scratched her neck and blew a raspberry. Being alone with Joel could be awkward and tense sometimes. She missed the days when Ellie could mercilessly rib on Joel and pester him with crappy puns. Now puns rarely came to her, and cracking the old pun book just opened old wounds. Riley shaped wounds.

“So, uh… how’re ya?” Joel could somehow match her awkwardness, even surpassing it at times.

“I’m fine.” She was actually feeling more like cold soup, but Joel didn’t need to know that.

He nodded and a heavy silence permeated the room. They looked away, anything to avoid contact.

“What, uh, what happened to yer phone?”

Ellie leaned back on the chair and shrugged, “Dropped it.” Joel nodded and stuffed his hands into his pockets. He whistled low and long, “You need a new one?” She nodded and leant her forearms on the table, “Yup.” Joel scratched the back of his head and rested his hand back on his belt, “Need help?” Ellie shook her head and stood up from the table. She didn’t need his help. Not for this. He’d done enough.

“No. I’ve, uh, got it handled.” Joel did pay her a salary at the shop. And it was a good arrangement. They got to be in each other’s vicinity without the awkward chatter, only the loud hum of power tools. Ellie thought it was nice. Just getting to look over and see her old man, sanding and working and looking so in his element. When they worked at the shop her problems didn’t exist. It was just Joel and Ellie, working together in amicable silence.

“If ya need anythin’ I’m here, kiddo.” Joel smiled and hovered a hand over her shoulder, Ellie stared at him. He blew breath out of his nose and landed, lightly squeezing her shoulder.

“I know, Joel.” 

He took an apron from the wall coat hanger and placed it over his head before tying it behind his back, “Wanna help me make some chili ‘fore Andrew comes back?” She smiled a little and nodded. “Don’t forget yer apron.” He pointed to a matching apron on the wall. ‘Grill Sergeant’ and ‘Private First Dash’ all with goofy little steaks in uniform and salt and pepper shakers.

She groaned but put it on anyway.

At least Joel made a mean chili.

—-

“Mom, I think I’m going to drop out and become a mechanic. Oh! And I’m going to break up with Jesse...maybe. No. Never mind, that’s stupid. I can’t break up with Jesse.” 

The Dina in the mirror didn’t look too confident.

Ever since Ellie and her had made amends, well, mostly just starting communication gain, Dina had gained a little surge of confidence. She felt a little better, now that Ellie was in her life again. She felt an unyielding purpose to help her, in any way she could. And by doing so she felt as if things were a little easier to control. If Ellie could handle work and appearances and friendships and… a relationship, Dina could also handle her friendships and work and her relationship.

She stretched her face out with her hands on the mirror. Making faces and clacking her teeth.

“Dina!” She rubbed her cheeks and sighed. Her mom was waiting downstairs.

She grabbed her coat and shrugged it on, jogging down the stairs. Her mother was sitting on her chair, her bag on her lap and her mitpachat neat and dark on her head. She was frowning, the fingers on her hand tapping a steady rhythm onto her lap.

“We will be late.”

Dina nodded and opened the door before running over and pushing her mother out of the door. They were nowhere close to being late. If anything, her mother’s insistence on not being late usually made them an hour early to most appointments, which tended to cut into Dina’s time, which was also why she currently wore her uniform. 

“Talia would have me in the office now.” Dina swallowed a groan.

That was also the common norm around her mother. Talia. Speaking of Talia, comparing her to Talia, praising Talia, gushing over Talia. Dina had grown accustomed to it. It wasn't uncommon for the eldest child to be held under the spotlight, to be a little more beloved. Even her father had paid more attention to Talia when they were children, asking her more about school and her friends and her activities. It seemed to kid Dina that the only time they gave her attention was when they chastised her. Which in turn made her seek out trouble more oftenly. She had been a prankster and a pain in the ass during her childhood, climaxing in highschool when she started to party and drink and smoke and stay out late with Jesse and her friends. That sure as hell got her the attention she wanted. Especially when her parents found out her best friend and now boyfriend wasn’t the orthodox Jew they’d wanted her to marry right after high school.

“Ma, put your seatbelt on.”

Jesse grew on them, though. And soon her mom wanted them married. Her dad hadn’t voiced much of an opinion on the matter, he hadn’t had much time either way. Dad died two years into their relationship. Talia was a carbon copy of their mom. Head strong and ambitious and as religious as they came. She was the kind of person that sent winding passages from Scripture, as if the old translated Yiddish meant a damn thing to Dina. She would usually acknowledge them and send Talia a happy face emoji. That, for the most part, seemed to placate her. Dina was sure that if Talia wasn’t a woman she would’ve been a Rabbi.

She pulled the car into the closest parking spot to the hospital and opened the trunk, pulling out the wheelchair and unfolding it. Dina rolled in over the passenger door and flipped down the brakes, opening the door and helping her mother out. She grumbled and swatted at her and told her to be gentler but still pecked her cheek and thanked her for helping. Dina sighed. Her mother was a confusing woman, religion being the only thing that she didn’t seem to have contradicting opinions about.

The nurse at the front desk smiled warmly and stepped out to greet her mother and clasp her hand. She walked along with them to the elevator, speaking Yiddish or Hebrew or something that Dina just didn’t understand. She hadn’t had the patience as a kid to learn and they’d dropped her studies pretty quickly. Not Talia, though. Talia could speak, like, five fucking languages. Dina knew, like, five words from Spanish classes in high school, and five more in German from Sam’s horrible gloating.

Sometimes, she’d just drop her mom off and haul ass out, sometimes she’d try to stay for a little bit, today she wanted to go into the room and try to speak with her.

The dialysis room was more of a hallway, cold like the rest of the hospital, but playing soothing jazz. The actual machines hugged the wall, matching couches right next to them. There were a number of TVs situated along the room to allow a bit of entertainment, as well as some magazines beside the big couches. But, if Dina knew anything, the issues were absolute gossip trash. There weren’t really any guest chairs but she could always just push a folding chair to the station. Or straight up sit on her mother’s wheelchair.

They moved her over onto her preferred chair, in the corner and away from the windows. She gave her a weird look when Dina sat on the wheelchair. Dina just smiled at her and tried not to grimace when the nurse started to poke some huge ass fucking neddles into her mother’s arm. Her mom didn’t even flinch, afterall, she’d been on the same machine three days a week for, like, five years.

“Dina, what are you doing here?” Her mother asked when the nurse left to fetch her a pillow.

Dina took in a breath and tried to build her courage up. It was good that her little mother was tethered to something because Dina was sure she’d become a flurry of hands and foreign curses. “I need to tell you something. Don’t get angry at me, ok? I’m an adult woman who can make-”

Her phone rang. An unknown number, but with the Jackson phone area code.

“Hello?”

“Dina, hey, uh, hey? How, uh, how are you? I got a new phone and just, like, wanted to let you know. That. Y’know… I have a phone.”

It was Ellie. She smiled and shook her head. God, she could be so fucking dorky sometimes.

“Ellie, what the actual fu-” She glanced at her mother who had a raised brow, “-dge. Fudge”

“Fudge? Are you hungry or something? Oh! Wait, are you at the daycare? I thought that was only in the mornings?” Dina bit her fist and exhaled, the smile on her face spreading.

“No, Ellie, I am not at the daycare, I’m with my mom right now.”

“Oh, shit- fuck- I mean... sorry? Can she hear me? Do you want me to hang up?”

Dina laughed and spun around in the wheelchair, “No, she can’t hear you, and you better not hang up on me.”

Ellie quietly chuckled on the other line, if a little shaky.

“Where did you get a new phone? I haven’t seen you in the den.” Dina sat up and leant her elbows on her knees, whispering conspirationaly, “Don’t tell me you’ve been going around my back! Is Sam your new den girl?” Ellie chuckled a little again.

“Oh, yeah, she’s my new go-to gal. She gets the job done faster and more efficiently, no poorly veiled jabs either. Plus, she’s a blonde.” Dina gasped, and crossed her arm.

“Blonde? Really? I thought better of you than that? Whatever, it’s not like you’re my only customer. And gingers are much better.”

The line went silent for a second. Which then dragged on for a little more. Dina frowned and looked at her phone, she hadn’t hung up. “El-”

“I’m a ginger.”

“Shut the fuck up.” There was no way. Ellie was a brunette. Chestnut at most.

“It is literally on my driver’s licence.”

“Ellie, you’re the one who tells them your haircolor.”

“Bullshit! The lady at the DMV only asked me for my height!”

Dina rolled her eyes and bit her lip, “Which I’m sure you utterly exaggerated.”

“I am five eight.” Her tone was serious and dire. Dina couldn’t help the splutter that came from her mouth, she slapped a hand over it but it was too late, “Why are you laughing?”

“Uhm, because that is not true? Ellie, you’re taller than me by, like, an inch or two, and I’m five five.” She crossed her legs and smiled into her propped up fist.

“You literally told me I was taller by three inches. At Jesse’s party.” Ellie’s voice quieted down a little before she cleared her throat and some shuffling was heard.

Dina couldn’t really remember anything from that night, except sitting with Ellie outside, drinking and laughing. It had once been a sweet memory, now it was spoiled by the new knowledge that was Ellie’s addiction. They had to talk in person some time soon.

“I’ll give you that one.”

There seemed to some talking and commotion on the other side.

“I’ll talk to you later, ok? A, uh...customer walked in.”

“Ok, bye, Ellie.”

More commotion and a feminine voice on the other side. Dina frowned and scratched her chin.

“Hang up.”

“No, you hang up.”

“I told you first.”

“And I told you second.”

“This seems familiar.”

“Ellie, hang up right now or I swear to god-”

“Gee, ok! Bye, Dina.”

“Bye, Ellie.”

“Ok, yeah, bye.”

“Ellie, oh my freaking-”

“Ok ok!”

And the line finally went dead. Dina laughed again and saved the number.

“Who was that?” Dina swiveled around, a little surprised. She’d forgotten her mother was there, and where she was, or what she was really doing. God.

She swallowed a lump in her throat, “My- my friend.” Her mother narrowed her eyes. There was disapproval in her eyes.

“Who?” Dina waffled, “Uh, well, a friend. From around town. And Jesse’s friend too. We just- just kinda met and, it’s not really a big deal-” Her mother raised a hand. She was frowning now, “This is not a Jenny problem.” Dina blanched. Her hands started to shake.

Whatever speech she had practiced or cooked up was gone. Fear and embarrassment was the only thing she felt. This couldn’t be another Jenny problem. Not again.

“No! No. Just- just- I’ve got to… go.” Dina fiddled with the zipper on her coat and avoided eye contact with her mother. 

Dina got up and left, feeling her mother’s burning gaze on her.

Fuck.

Fuck!

She’d fucked everything up again.

And that godforsaken key was still stuck in her innards, that cage forever sturdy and locked.

\---

She hung up.

“Hey.” Ellie took her goggles off and shoved her hands deep into her pockets.

Cat frowned at her and crossed her arms over her chest. Joel glanced at them once before nodding at Ellie and disappearing into the backroom. God fucking dammit. She really wished she could do the same.

“‘Hey’? Is that all you have to say?” Cat looked pretty upset. Ellie scratched her jaw and looked around the shop. There didn’t seem to be an out.

“Hey… Cat?” Cat sighed and dropped the frown. A more concerned look coming across her face.

“Ellie, what the fuck happened last week? Why haven’t you been picking up my calls?”

Ellie shrugged and kicked at the hardwood floor. She didn’t really know what to say. It was a combination of forgetting and not really wanting to deal with the consequences. It wasn’t like she needed the coke from Cat’s anymore. She had more. Though she was soon to run out.

“I broke my phone.” Cat sighed and rubbed her nose bridge. Ellie was finding it a little hard to feel bad.

“I care about you.” Her voice cracked a little and Ellie felt powerless. Had she done that? Again? Made someone cry? Made someone feel like shit? Ellie was a horrible person, that much was true, and it seemed she wasn’t a much better girlfriend.

“Hey, Cat, I’m sorry.” Her voice came out quiet and hoarse, she stepped out from her work station and stood a foot from her girlfriend. Cat’s face was twisted into pain, her hands clenched. Ellie didn’t really know what to do. Most of her relationships had been unorthodox. Mostly just sex with random women. The closest she’d had to a girlfriend was Riley, and she’d died a day after Ellie had kissed her. Dina would probably know what to do in the situation.

Dina would’ve probably hugged her and cupped the back of her neck, whispering something sweet into her neck. Ellie closed her eyes and hugged Cat, bringing her little body closer to her. She inhaled her shampoo and cupped the back of her neck, squeezing lightly. Cat wrapped her arms around her midsection and quickly kissed her neck, “Babe, we need to talk.” Her voice was a little warbly and Ellie just nodded. She knew what was coming. Cat was probably going to break up with her. And Ellie wouldn’t really blame her. Cat was pretty and funny and nice and just- just so hot. Anyone would be lucky to have that taut body under their hands. And Ellie had been pretty undeserving.

“I can go on lunch break, we can go somewhere or just get sandwiches across the street.” Ollie’s Sandwiches was probably a suitable place for a break up.

Cat nodded and grabbed her hand, the mangled one, and tugged her a little. Ellie frowned and took off her apron, throwing it on the table with her goggles. 

They walked across the street, hand in hand, and ordered. Ellie just got Joel’s favorite sandwich, knowing she wasn’t going to be able to stomach even half of it, and leaving it in the fridge for her old man. Cat ordered some vegetarian sub or something.

The days were starting to warm up so Cat led them to the tables outside. Ellie didn’t even bother opening the sandwich. Cat was picking at hers but not really eating either. She felt Ellie’s eyes on her and pushed the basket away, leaning her elbows on the table, cocking her head to the side and staring at Ellie with those dark eyes. Dark, but nothing quite like Dina’s.

“You left a bag of cocaine in my restroom, Ellie.”

Ellie almost had a stroke.

Cat had always been rather straightforward. Be it in her observations or in what she wanted. She’d never been shy in telling Ellie what she liked in bed, and apparently confrontation was no different. Ellie fiddled with her fingers under the table and blew breath out of her mouth, cheeks puffed and eyes downcast. It seemed everyone was fucking finding out. All of AA knew and if Jackson had NA they’d probably fucking know too.

It was mortifying and embarrassing. Ellie was struggling to keep her lid from blowing. 

“Ok.” What else could she say? Ask for it back? Sound more pathetic than she already was? It was more likely that Cat had flushed it down the toilet anyway.

Cat tugged at her flannel sleeve, forcing her hand back up onto the table. She laced their fingers together and Ellie looked up.

“You’re my fucking girlfriend. I’m not just going to drop you because of this.” She frowned a little and seemed to mull something over in her head, “I want to help.” Ellie pulled her hand away, hot shame and anger coursing through her veins.

“I’m not some fucking charity work. I don’t need your fucking help or pity.” She was positively vibrating in magma red energy.

Cat frowned and scoffed, throwing her hands in the air, “You’re fucking impossible! Ellie, quit being so fucking selfish! People care about you! And when you do stupid shit we all feel the fucking effects!” She was pissed. On the verge of shouting. Ellie was so fucking angry and confused and conflicted. It felt wrong letting more people in, it felt like accepting that she had a problem, that what she had couldn’t just be reversed single handedly. What… what if she truly had no actual control? Had she even taken any time to think this? Had she forced herself to live in some bubble. Cat noticed her turmoil and raised her brows at her.

“This can only work if you try. I don’t want to see you kill yourself, Ellie.”

If only she knew. Ellie couldn’t even do the only thing she had control over. What a fucking coward. What a fucking idiot.

Ellie nodded and forced her face into something more neutral.

“Ok. I’ll- I’ll try.”

She’d been trying for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s plenty long. I’ve had a huge problem with addiction, so it’s plenty easy for me to write about it, if y’all got any questions leave ‘em down below. The tough part’s gunna be writing about recovery lol


	12. Fanny Pack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I exclusively listen to 80s music and wear fanny packs. Don’t @ me

Dina had told her to try being sober for a week. Try to make that magic number seven and see what she felt. Maybe the oxygen would be sweeter, tastier, The birdsong would be melodious and the pain more ephemeral, food more appetizing.

She’d done it for three days and the oxygen burned, she wanted to beat every fucking bird to a bloody pulp, and she’d thrown up twice. Pain was all she could really feel. Andrew had found out about Dina knowing and had decided to sit in her garage while she wallowed in pain. She felt like throwing up but there was nothing in her stomach, not even bile.

“And then Sam told me that I looked really handsome in button ups, but that the cargo pants were a no-go. I dunno. I think the extra pockets are pretty nifty but the combination just makes me look like a middle aged dad. Not that I’m totally opposed to it. I kinda want to just marry Sam and get a bunch of kids. Like, at least a girl and a boy. Anyway, I deviate, what do you think about the Cargo Pant Gate?” Ellie groaned and slapped a hand to her face from where she laid starfished on the floor.

“Andrew, shut the fuck up.” She almost threw up just saying that. Her head pounded like a goddamn nightclub.

“Uhm, fucking rude? Shouldn’t you be the master of cargo pants or something?” He asked, sitting on her bed, peeling a banana.

Ellie clenched her eyes closed and rubbed her temples, careful of the new gauze Dina had put on her head yesterday, “Why the fuck should I know anything about cargo pants? I don’t even wear them.” God, her head was throbbing and her throat was burning. She really needed some scotch on the rocks.

Andrew bit, like, half of the banana in one go and talked around the mouthful, “Well, to begin with, you’re a lesbian, and you wore Corps trousers longer than I ever did.” He pointed at her with his half banana.

“I don’t even know what to say to that.” She pressed the side of her face to the floor and sighed.

“Look, ever since you told me you were gay in middle school I took to learning about the culture. I am the gayest straight man that ever lived. And it turns out lesbians love cargo pants.” He finished the banana and threw the peel at her. Ellie was in too much pain to swat it away or move from its trajectory. It landed on her face with a moist slap. She groaned.

“I think it’s a little sad how little you know about your own culture.” He laid back on the bed and burped. Ellie wanted to strangle him.

“Andrew, please, for the love of all that is good on this earth, shut the fuck up.”

“Gee, ok, fine. Let’s just sit quietly in this stupid, musty, fucking garage and just wallow in pain.”

That combination of words was going to make her have an aneurysm.

She inhaled and exhaled.

Pain.

Love.

Pain and love.

It seemed they weren’t mutually exclusive.

Love was pain and pain was love. Sometimes loving made you hurt, sometimes hurting made you love. It didn’t seem fair. It didn’t seem worth it. But, sometimes, when the pain wasn’t as overwhelming and all encompassing, when it didn’t swallow your brain and judgement, love was worth it. It was beautiful and fleeting and worth it and so fucking painful. Eternal love was right about the same thing as eternal pain. It was the selfish desire to never experience that pain. It was praying to die before experiencing the pain of lost love, inadvertently placing the pain on one's subject of affection.

Ellie was broken, beyond scuffed and jagged and sectioned, but she loved. At least the intensity of her affection felt like love, and the pain that followed confirmed it.

Maybe it was the dread, the discomfort, the fear, the excruciating pain that made love worth it. Would it be sought after the way it is had it not be followed by its horrible side effects? Would the price be worth it without the tribulations?

Ellie didn’t know. She wasn’t some fucking phylosophist. She didn’t sit and ponder the mysteries of life for hours expecting answers. Mostly she just tried to forget.

At least she knew that she knew nothing. Wait, wasn’t that from some fucking book or something? She didn’t know. Last time she read a book was in high school. Not even as far as senior year either.

Senior year had been a mess for her. Almost getting expelled, and joining the Marines the second they showed up at the cafeteria.

“Andrew, do you want to get high?”

He sat up and frowned at her, “What kind of stupid fucking question is that?”

She shook her head and sat up, groaning, “No, I mean, like, just weed.”

He grimaced and crossed his arms. Andrew was a bit of a pothead. Ever since he’d been shot in the leg on that godforsaken day, they’d prescribed medical marijuana for his pain. Eventually he’d started doing it more recreationally, but you’d never know because the guy's personality was that of someone high no matter what.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ellie. It’s, like, a crutch or just substituting-”

“Weeeeed.”

“Ok, fine.”

He sat up and pulled out a joint from a little silver case that resides in his back pocket.

“You were just lugging that thing around?” She scooted over on the floor, plucking the packed little white roll. Andrew grinned and shrugged. Ellie rolled the joint between her fingers and put it between her fingers with flourish.

“Where ya got a lighter?” She scoffed and picked a little blue one from the floor, “C’mon, Andrew, I’m a junkie.” He didn’t laugh and punched her shoulder, “Shut the fuck up, Ellie.”

She lit the joint and inhaled deep, the smoke pooling deep into her lungs. Andrew slapped her shoulder and she handed it over before exhaling slowly. The fumes curling and floating slowly, like tendrils, wide and then thin and searching. Andrew passed it back to her. “Where’d you get this?” She inhaled again and held it in her lungs for as long as she could. Andrew took the joint back, humming, “The dispensary, actually. You should meet the guy there, really cool.” He pointed to the joint and lowered his voice, “This one is actually much higher in THC than in CBD.” Ellie giggled and snatched it from his big ol’ fingers.

“Dude, is that even legal?”

Andrew giggled in turn and slid down the bed to sit beside her, “No way. But Steven has the hots for me.” She could feel the high taking full effect now, her vision shuttery, her memory fleeting, and the giggling incoming. “What the fuck?” Andrew just giggled more, puffing out smoke in little o-rings, “Too bad I’m straight.”

Ellie didn’t know why she found that hilarious. Her head still hurt but her mind was too loopy to focus on the pain. Plus, it was weed for the pain.

She clutched her stomach and howled in laughter. Andrew joined her, ruddy faced, with tears brimming at his eyes. He had a large hand splayed over his chest, trying to no avail to curb the laughter. Soon they found themselves staring at a cherry red roach.

“I can totally smoke this.” He giggled and put the little roach to his lips. Ellie watched with rapt attention, nodding along. Andrew inhaled for a solid two seconds before the roach, still burning, disappeared from between his fingers. Ellie burst into violent cackles before Andrew could even cough. He’d swallowed the fucking roach!

He punched his chest and coughed.

“Goddammit! That fucking burned my throat! Stop fucking laughing!”

She knew that she knew nothing.

But she also knew she knew love.

That didn’t make sense.

Fuck.

She was super high.

—

She couldn’t believe that her father was actually ok with this bull crap.

They’d spent, like, a solid three hours at that stupid parent teacher conference, the best fucking ‘welcome back home’ she’d managed to give her father.

“Why can’t you be more like Talia? Why are you doing this, Dina?” He didn’t even sound pissed. Just disappointed and worried. Which was a million times worse than basic anger. Dina sighed and leant her head on the car window, her head rattling. It was dark outside, almost no cars out. It just wasn’t fair that out of everyone the teacher decided to single her out.

So what if she hadn’t shown up to class in, like, a week? It wasn’t as if everyone else had a squeaky clean record. But nooooo, she’d seen Dina in the hallways and made a scene by requesting a teacher-parent conference in front of everyone in the hallway. She didn’t even show up for class that day either.

But, that only made the meeting worse. Dina didn’t even know how they got in touch with her dad, it wasn’t like she’d given the school his phone number. She’d just put in Jesse’s number and when the teachers called he’d just put on a deeper voice. It had been working until it didn’t.

“When we get home I want you to apologize to your mother.” He jabbed a thumb to the backseat where her mother laid asleep. It seemed she’d tired herself out from shouting at her and pulling her ear about. Dina rolled her eyes and banged her head on the window. She winced and rubbed at the battered spot.

“Do you understand?”

She kept staring out the window. There was a fine sprinkle of rain falling now.

“Dina.”

She groaned and put her head on the headrest, “Yes, Dad, I understand. Sorry for being such a nuisance. I’ll make sure to relay the message to Mom.” They came up to a red light. The rain was increasing and the car slid a little before completely stopping. Her dad turned to look at her, a heavy hand landing on her forearm, “I don’t think you’re a nuisance. I love you, but I also wish you’d love yourself enough to be better than this.” Dina pulled her hand away and into her lap.

He just sighed and started up again when the light turned green.

“Y’know, when I was your age, I did the same crap. Y’know, skipping, fighting the man, sneaking out. I was a teenager. Just like you.” She didn’t really want to hear this crap. Dina wasn’t in the mood for another lecture, she’d had enough from her mother.

“The only difference between you and me is that I never got caught.” That seemed to snag her attention. Dina stared at the side of his face. He was getting older. His once jet black hair and beard were peppered in gray, those strong brows no longer holding the same conviction. Now wrinkles framed his face.

She smiled a little, “Great advice, dad, I’ll keep that in mind next time I do something illegal.”

He found her forearm again and squeezed, a smile on his face. She didn’t pull away this time. Sometimes Dina felt as if he was the only one that understood her, even if his attention seemed to be quite unbalanced on the scale towards Talia. But, that was expected. The first borns just had that kind of power and sway over parents.

He turned the wipers on to full force. The rain was coming down in a violent torrent and the traffic lights only looked like colorful blobs.

“Man, that rain is really coming down now, huh.” He muttered, struggling with the car for a second.

Dina found that she liked the rain. It lulled her to sleep, it washed the dirty human made jungle, and it released an earthy smell that reminded her of long times passed. Did medieval peasants smell the same thing? Did they in turn wonder if Greek helots smelled the same? And then them in turn wonder the same of those before them? She didn’t know, but it was fun to question sometimes.

“Dina, do you know if there are any hotels nearby?” She frowned. What was he talking about? A hotel? They were, like, ten minutes from home.

“Dad, we’re not too far, just take a left at the interception up here.” He grimaced and turned the blinkers on.

Tick Tick Tick.

“I dunno, the rain is coming down super crazy. Maybe we should just find a hotel.”

“That’s dumb. We’re literally right here.”

The lights from the posts were bright, but not bright enough to obscure the bright red and then green of the traffic lights.

Dina felt the car struggle with friction against the wet road. She whistled a tune and watched as a little trickle of water landed on the dashboard.

Tick Tick Tick.

She watched her Dad turn the steering wheel, the large SUV protesting with the wide arc. The blinkers still ticked.

By the time they saw it coming… it was too late.

The car had been hauling ass on the long road, the lights off up until the last couple seconds. Dina felt her teeth grit together, her father’s large hand slamming painfully into her upper chest.

And then a horrible gravity. Pulling everything to the left, everything except the vehicle itself which flew to the right, the squealing of the tires prolonged and horrible and ear grating and so fucking loud!

Dina felt her head float, her neck straining to keep it on her body, she gripped the forearm on her chest, nails digging in, as the vehicle crunched horribly all around her. Her eyes could not close, she watched as the metal, sturdy and heavy, bent and crumpled like paper around her, glass and flurry and shit flying about, cutting her face and- and! And suddenly a great groan and a slam and the vehicle stopped its flip and seized its deadly roll.

The breath in her lungs was gone and her unblinking eyes burned, she let go of the hand and felt her body convulse, pain and sharp stabs pulsing all around her body. She gasped and tried to cry in pain but her lungs expanded and pushed on the crumbs of her ribs and only a quiet high whine left her mouth. She felt the trickles of blood come down her temple, from some burning wound in her scalp. Then she heard it.

Tick Tick Tick.

Wet little splatters.

She struggled to turn her neck, the pain unbearable, making her think that any sudden movement would detach her head from her body. That it would roll down her chest and onto her lap and blink and bleed profusely.

Tick Tick Tick.

Her father. His hand on her lap. His head.

His head completely caved in, as if it were made of clay, and some sick creator had pressed their thumb into his vulnerable cranium. His eyes were open, but the one on the left completely so because it hung outside of its socket. A little string of bloody flesh attached to the red orb, disappearing into the purple bruise of his empty and caved eye socket. His lively gaze was blank and directed right at her.

She felt like choking.

The pain in her torso increased exponentially as her chest rapidly rose and fell, little painful gasps coming and going. The crater in his skull swam in over flowing blood and pink brain matter, releasing its contents down his face and onto his lap.

Tick Tick Tick

Dina couldn’t move. She couldn’t scream. She couldn’t look away. Her hands still clutched the bloody forearm. God! Her father was still warm!

God! His dead eyes stared right into her!

The warped metal caved in on his side, the warped metal inches above his ruined head. The warped metal like crumpled paper all around her.

The rain falling all around her, creeping in through the holes in the car, matching tempo with her father’s blood.

Tick Tick Tick TickTick TickTickTickTick.

—

Her throat burned!

Dina jumped up, her hands clawing along the planes of her bared throat, she screamed and clenched her eyes shut. Her nails ran down the skin and the wet pain forced her eyes open.

She was in her room.

Not that fucking SUV.

Dina sighed, throwing the stuffy blankets off her body. She dragged a hand down her face and glanced at the clock. God, it was three in the fucking morning. At least it was her day off, otherwise she’d be a zombie at the daycare and den. She felt burning at her neck and hissed. In her panic she must’ve scratched her neck.

A groan escaped her throat and she sluggishly pulled a pair of sweatpants over her bare legs. Might as well get up. She wouldn’t be getting sleep any time soon.

Not after those nightmares.

Never after those nightmares.

She was on the way to the restroom when her phone vibrated on the night table where it was plugged to the wall. Who the hell would be calling at ass o’ clock in the morning?

“Ellie.” She felt breathless.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“So, uh, I, um, couldn’t sleep. And I was wondering if maybe…” she trailed off. Dina closed her eyes and smiled.

“You can talk to me whenever.” She leant on the doorway and watched her bed, dark and lit by the moonlight, disheveled and cold, “Actually, I can’t sleep either.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

Dina sighed and turned the restroom light on, she saw her reflection, haggard and tired and thinner than she’d been in a long time, her neck had thin red lines, “Bad dream.” Ellie chuckled a little, “I get that.”

“Do you… want to hang out?”

Dina grabbed her toothbrush and twirled it around her fingers, she smiled and bit her lip, eyeing her ecstatic reflection, “Yeah. When?” It was her day off after all. And if it included Ellie, well, that wouldn’t be half bad.

“Right now.”

She almost tripped. Right now? It was like three in the fucking morning.

“Like, right this instant?”

“Totally. I’m outside, actually.”

Dina ran over to her window and peered down. Sure enough, Ellie’s old truck rumbled and shook and spit out dark plumes, on the curb. What. What? Just, what?

“Ellie, you are fucking insane.”

“I prefer spontaneous.”

She laughed and shrugged her shirt off, rummaging for a hoodie, making sure to wrap her neck up in a scarf, “No, I call that being insane. How long have you been out there? Also, how did you even find my house?” She shoved a pair of running shoes on and ran back into the bathroom, hurrying to brush her teeth at the same time she bunched her hair up into a manageable ponytail.

“Well, I just got here and I may or may not have asked around.”

She spit out the toothpaste and rinsed her mouth before quietly tiptoeing out of her room and down the stairs. “That sounds super fucking creepy. Should I call the police?” Dina glanced to the top of the stairs. Nothing. Not even a creak. Her mother was still asleep. She grabbed her fanny pack and keys. Ellie’s quiet breathing could be heard on the other line. It made Dina stop her flurry of movement to pause, resting her hand and forehead on the hardwood of the front door. What was she doing? It felt good, really good, but, did the satisfaction really cancel out the morality? Was she even doing anything inherently wrong? Immoral? It’s not like she was going to have a romp in the sheets with Ellie, they were just going to hang out. But, it wasn’t like she wouldn’t think about it either. Hell, it was already invading her mind.

She huffed and frowned, scrunching her mouth into a pout and doing a little hop. 

“Dina, gas ain’t free, hurry your ass up.”

“Hold your horses, I’m right behind your ugly little truck.”

She both heard and saw Ellie gasp, her hands flinging into the air with exasperation and then her face.

Dina bit her lip again, taking the phone from her ear and hanging up, waving a little to the girl in the truck. It was still dark outside, but the light from the overhead was on, and Dina could see her face, and the top of her hair. She walked over quickly, watching as Ellie leaned over and manually unlocked the car.

“I’m going to tell Joel. Also, since this is my car, I am insulted.” Dina rolled her eyes and jumped in, closing the door and pulling the seat belt over her chest, “Well, I’m glad. It was the intent, after all.”

“You are insufferable.” Ellie had leant her head on the headrest, looking relaxed, her dome lolling about, an easy smile creating little divots on the side of her mouth.

“Have you met you?” Dina whispered, it only felt appropriate in the crampet pit, warm and dormant, and fitting. Her head seemed to gravitate towards Ellie’s, as if a bar of iron had been lodged in her brain, and Ellie’s noggin’ held a cartoonishly large magnet.

Ellie seemed to gravitate just as close. So close that Dina could feel her warm breath wash over her chin. She smiled and stared into those green orbs, so bright and dark and sad and happy and so utterly far despite being inches from her own. Down to that perfect little button nose, scattered with freckles and little scars. And then, inevitably, to her mouth. Red and parted and a little chapped and so inviting. Dina felt a heart attack would be the conclusion to her rapidly beating chest, “Do you have a magnet in your head?”

What?

What the fuck was wrong with her brain?

Ellie chuckled a little, half closing her eyes and frowning, confused, as if her brain too could not comprehend what she’d just heard.

“Um, no? But I think your fanny pack might.”

Dina frowned. She couldn’t decide who was being more nonsensical. Did she smoke weed? Did she have a joint burning on her nightstand while she slept? 

Ellie looked down and tugged.

Oh.

Her fanny pack had stuck itself to the lanyard hanging from Ellie’s pocket. Dina pulled it away.

“The 80s called, they want their fashion back.”

“Oh, my god. Do not start with me, you are literally playing Fleetwood Mac right now.” Dina pushed away her fingers and zipped the little thing up. 

“Most of their stuff was 70s, c’mon, Dina. Also, why are you even wearing that?” Ellie was laughing at her, little shakes making her shoulders jump, it looked as if she were holding back. “It’s more… tactical than a purse.” She couldn’t really think of the correct word.

“Tactical? What secret mission are you partaking in? They never issued me one of those.”

“Issued? Now why would a simple carpenter be issued a tactical fanny pack? Which I am sure are an actual thing. Thank you very much.”

Ellie gaped for a second and frowned. Dina pinched her lightly, “You sound like a little soldier to me.” Ellie just scoffed and took the car off park, rolling along the dark morning streets.

“I wasn’t a soldier.” She seemed to struggle with herself, gnawing on her bottom lip, tapping a tuneless jig onto the steering wheel. Ellie sighed and turned the blinkers on.

Tick Tick Tick.

“I was a Marine.”

Oh.

A Marine. 

It seemed Dina didn’t really know Ellie. It seemed as if everyday it was a new discovery. Some a little more digestible than others. But, new information nonetheless.

“What’s the difference?” Dina hadn’t had much experience with the armed forces. Hell, the only time the idea of joining had crossed her head was back in high school when a gruff little Army man shoved a pamphlet into her hands. She’d wondered how pissed it would make her mom and dad and Talia before deciding that petty pestering wasn’t a good enough reason for joining. Jackson did hold its number of veterans. It seemed most old timers around had served, and the young that came in as well, running from some twisted past.

“Well, soldiers are Army, y’know? And Marines, well, Marines are Marines. I could go into the whole spiel but just know that our standards are a little different.” She hummed a little and pointed towards the radio, “Do you like it?”

‘What I like about you’

“Ellie, this stuff is almost as cheesy as you. What’s with this station? Stuck in the same era as the truck?” She laughed a little and knocked on the dashboard, Ellie rolled her eyes, a tiny smile on her face, and turned the radio up a smidge. Just enough to be heard clearly in the pit but not overwhelm the atmosphere.

Tell me all the things I wanna hear.

“I think it’s nice.”

Ellie chuckled, “Very convincing.”

Dina rolled her eyes and fiddled with the zipper on her fanny pack, “Gee, sue me for not being an old timer. They’re bops, just not new bops.”

Ellie nodded, bottom lip sticking out, brows high, “Ok, ok, I hear ya. Now I have to know; what in the actual fuck do you listen to?”

“Limp Bizkit.”

The car swerved a little and Dina felt her heart jump into her throat. Her hands gripped the seat.

“You have to be kidding me.”

She chuckled nervously, the scare from before still present. Ellie spared her a glance, worried and… judgemental? Oh! Oh god no. “Jesus Christ, Ellie. No, I don’t fucking like Limp Bizkit. I’m not a douchebag.” She leant back on the chair and watched Ellie’s profile.

“Let’s agree to disagree.” Dina lightly punched her shoulder. God, she was absolutely insufferable. Ellie just smiled at her, lopsided and small and crooked and just- just perfect.

“Hopefully it doesn’t rain.”

Dina finally glanced out the window. No longer was the sky pitch dark, but a mellow dark blue, promising of an even colder day, had swallowed the heavens and stars. The trees rolled along, few gaps of field interrupting the monotonous green landscape.

“You better not be taking me out to the woods just to murder me.”

Ellie laughed, a pink dusting on her nose and cheeks, “I like you.”

It made her heart jump into overdrive. She swallowed a lump, pressing her burning face to the window. It was wrong. And… well, it wasn’t what she probably hoped it was. It never would be.

She liked her too.

Too much.

—

I like you too.

God, that whole sober thing was really fucking her over.

She’d had another nightmare. Not unlike most days. Always the eyes. Always those boys. Sometimes Riley. Always the sand. Andrew would be in them sometimes. Sometimes the stories would be consistent and linear, more like enhanced memories, but, on occasion that ran on being norm, they would be more grotesque and other worldly. Her brain would warp memories and experiences.

This time Dina had been there.

Wrapped in a beautiful blue shawl, only wisps of her dark hair, brows, and eyes visible. Ellie had worn her uniform, the phantom feeling of fingers gripping her rifle, heavy with gear, her ears ringing. She was surrounded by the debri of her convoy, sand crawling up her legs, swallowing her ankles then her shins then her knees. Ellie felt useless. No matter how fast she ran towards her, her feet sunk and buckled and she seemed to move further away, even if her hand reached towards Dina. Then, she stripped it all away.

First, she chucked the rifle away, then her MTV and then her helmet and her rucksack, all of it hitting the sand with a heavy thud. By god! Inch by inch by fucking inch she struggled and crawled and fought with the bloody sand, slick in oil. By god!

Finally, she was close enough to see her, to outstretch her hand out and come a mere inch from touching her intricate swirls, inches from her skin. So close.

But her ankles were gripped, and pulled. The flesh underneath bulging from the strength of the hand, bone crunching. The pain had felt so real. Her howls went unheard, but her eyes never strayed from Dina’s face. Her hand open, palm up, towards her, but Ellie could not reach it. The grips of the hands below the sand were too strong.

They dragged her under. Ellie drowned with sand in her lungs.

It was a weird dream. To say the least.

It was the first where the subject wasn’t one of her many sins, but one which featured her desires.

Ellie pulled the truck into a field, following a poorly kempt dirt road. They bounced around, the car tottering about like a coin. Dina yelped and grabbed her hand on a particularly bumpy...bump. What else would it be called? Bumpy bump. Jesus, being sober was absolutely horrible on her brain.

“Now I am truly convinced you’re going to eviscerate me out here.” Her smaller hand intertwined with Ellie’s. She swallowed down a full faced smile and side eyed Dina. She looked absolutely terrified. Well, not of being murdered. Hopefully. But of the road ahead of them.

“I didn’t bring my tools.”

Dina ignored her and grabbed the little handle on the car...ceiling. Car ceiling? Was that a thing? What was that little flap thing called? Why’d they put it there? Guess to provide someone grip. Not that it would really matter in a real accident. Vehicles seemed sturdy, felt sturdy, the metal and and hard, promising of safety. But, when Newton enacted his forces upon it, the sturdy metal warped and crumbled and it felt like the frame was made of cardboard.

Soon, the old farm came into view. The white paint peeling and sun washed, an old tractor broken beyond repair sat in front.

Ellie stopped the truck a good distance, the winding path too small to transverse on anything but foot. She unbuckled and stepped out.

Something about the air was different. Fresher and sweeter and musky in the way that nature was. It almost felt as if she could smell the age of the place, smell it’s memory.

Dina stepped out, Ellie watching, with a surprised little look. She looked entranced, pleasantly so, and Ellie felt like an intruder. Dina looked right at home, as if that farm was her creation.

“Wow.”

Ellie nodded and walked to her, nudging her shoulder, “Wanna go inside?”

Dina nodded and took her hand.

Ellie felt her heart stutter.

They started walking, Ellie willing her hands to stay dry, Dina’s gaze still on the farm. The overgrown weeds and grass brushed their shins, swaying with the breeze.

“How’d you find this place?” They’d come up the porch, their feet heavy on the wood, the teakwood groaning.

“I run around here. It’s-it’s a little better than going to the gym.” She wouldn’t say how the crowd would unnerve her, and the heavy slams of weights being dropped on the wood would set her brain on high alert.

Dina frowned in question, “You run around here? In… the woods? Wouldn’t you be better off in a track?” She squeezed her hand and opened the screen door. The main one gone from its hinges. Probably looters.

“It’s a better work out. Unpredictable obstacles and all that. Like hurdles.” Dina let her hand go. Ellie acted like she didn’t miss the contact. Inside, Dina went around, looking at what still remained. An old couch, moldy and stiff and not very pleasant to smell, a rumbled gray rug, more dust than actual fabric, and an old gramophone. She gravitated towards it, picking up the needle, wiping away the dust from its horn.

“My dad loves these things. He used to collect them and fix them.”

Ellie didn’t ignore the past tense. She came up to the machine. No record.

“I guess that where my affinity for tinkering came.” She grimaced for a second, “Well, mostly breaking things apart and then not doing a very good job at fixing them.” Ellie poked her side, “Not a good thing to admit to a customer.”

Dina just laughed at her and stepped back from the record player, “I guess not, but it’s not like you have much of a choice in alternatives.”

Ellie found that to be true. There didn’t seem to be an alternative to Dina. She was great. A great handy woman, that was. Like, really great. Handy woman. The DVD player was working like new, no more blue screen of death.

“C’mon, I wanna show you something.” This time Ellie was the one to grab her hand.

She took Dina out of the back door, and into a little garden. Much like the surrounding perimeter, it was overgrown, but winding vines and stalks sprouted from the dirt. Over the little fence and up the wall and in between the mesh. It seemed life had not seized when the house was abandoned.

“Are those tomatoes?” Dina let go and ran her fingers over the leaves of the various plant life. Ellie shrugged and stuck her hands in her pockets. She wasn’t much of a botanist or herbalist.

“Oh, and potatoes, and carrots!” She smiled and ran around from green to green, inspecting the ground and it’s fruits.

“How can you tell? Looks like weeds to me.”

“You could say I’m a bit of a green thumb. I took some classes in college and it just took off.” She marveled at the greenery, eyes bright. It made Ellie smile. It also made her face burn. She looked up and noticed the dull hue of orange start to peek over the horizon.

“Ok, Darwin, let’s go. I have something else to show you.”

She kept her hands in her pockets and led Dina back through the front door. “If it’s the inside of your truck, I think I’ve seen it already.” Ellie shook her head and kept walking. She stopped by the FUBAR tractor, putting a hand on its rusted body.

“Hop on.”

“I- What?” Dina crossed her arms and raised a brow.

“I said hop on. C’mon, you get tetanus, it doesn’t have any sharp edges.” Dina shook her head but smiled.

“Fine, I’ll humor you.” She came up to the tractor and put a foot in, jumping in with a helpful hand on the back. 

“Where are you going to sit? For...uh, whatever this is.”

Ellie shrugged and leant against her, a hand behind the tractor's small seat, “I’ll just stand here, but just… look.” She pointed towards the horizon.

Among the rolling hills and swaying wheat, the bright and mellow hue of the sun began to rise. Her breath felt tight. Not because of the sun rise, no, she’d seen it dozens of times, sitting alone, cold, sad. No, the reason the oxygen escaped her was because of the person that sat next to her. She’d never shared her little haven with anyone before. Not Joel, not Cat, not even Andrew. But, standing there, the warmth of Dina’s body seeping into her own, she felt a fool not having shared it before.

Ellie watched the light bathe Dina’s face, her profile warm and bright. The sun didn’t hold a thing compared to her.

Suddenly, Dina turned to her, a bright smile on her face. She reached for Ellie’s face and brought it closer. Ellie held her breath. She turned her from side to side, all the while bringing her closer. Ellie could see all the little freckles on her face, she could see the deep brown of her eyes illuminated by the newly born light.

“You are a redhead.” She quietly murmured between them.

Ellie wanted to kiss her.

She wanted to kiss her like she’d never kissed anyone before.

Before Ellie could do anything she’d regret later, Dina let her go, turning back towards the horizon. A breeze picket up, ruffling their clothes and hair. The sun might have been rising but the day was still cold, she could see and feel Dina shiver.

“We should go back.”

Ellie nodded and stepped away. She was lucky that her blush could be blamed on the cold. She stuck her hands deep into her pockets and nodded.

“Yeah. Where do you wanna go next?”

“Anywhere you do.”

Ellie smiled and kicked at the rotting rubber tires.

“Ok.”


	13. Strokes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ll probably add one more chapter and go on a hiatus cause I went ahead and enlisted lol. Once again, if y’all got comments go ahead and drop ‘em down below :)

“So, where’d you get off to yesterday? I called you all day.” Sam popped a piece of popcorn into her mouth, utterly boneless on her couch.

They’d decided to hang out at her apartment after her shift, watching movies, complaining about work, and dabbling a little in baking. Which didn’t work out too well. Who knew that bread absolutely needed baking powder? The flat fuck sat lukewarm on the tabletop, a slice bitten and then discarded.

“I was hanging out with Ellie.” 

Goddammit. 

She was too preoccupied with the movie, something about little rag-dolls fighting a robot. Her body stiffened. Dina turned a little away from Sam.

Sam shoved more popcorn into her mouth and sat up, her feet off the coffee table and onto the floor, “Oh! With Ellie?”

Goddamn her and her big mouth.

Dina sighed and picked at a little scab on her neck, she shrugged and tried to keep her gaze on the TV. Sam put down the bowl and nudged her arm. When Dina didn’t respond she nudged her some more. When that didn’t work she threw a popcorn kernel. She sighed. Dina just watched the TV, scratching a little more. Then, a torrent of popcorn hit her face.

“What the fuck, Sam! Quit wasting the popcorn.” She picked one from her hair and popped it into her mouth. Sam grimaced, “You’re gross.”

Dina just sighed and crossed her arms. Sam paused the movie and sat closer, their shoulders pressed together. It was silent for a little bit. Dina felt cornered, stressed, and, quite honestly, hella scared. 

“Dina, you can talk to me.”

She sighed again and looked down to her lap. She didn’t want to continue the conversation.

“You’re my friend and I love you. I don’t wanna say I won’t judge you, cause that’s like, our whole deal, but I won’t judge over this. I just-“ She paused and Dina turned to her, “I don’t want you to not trust me.” She nudged Dina’s shoulder and smiled.

What would she say? What could she say? She barely understood what she was feeling. That cage was still around her. The key petrified, turning into stone and bone. What would the truth be? When stripping away the questions and the responsibilities the truth was bare and naked and ugly and scary and-

“I think I’m falling in love with her.”

A trembling hand covered her mouth. She felt her eyes water. Dina hunched over and scrunched her eyes closed. God. What was she going to do?

Sam was quiet. Dina feared the worst.

Then, a warm and sturdy pair of arms wrapped around her, Sam’s head resting on her shoulder. That really broke the dam. She quietly sobbed as Sam rubbed her back. The truth was scary and painful.

“Oh, Dina. You little mess. I still love you.”

She pressed a firm kiss to her shoulder.

“What am I going to do?”

Sam pushed her up, so that she could look at her, “I literally cannot tell you what to do. Because I have no qualifications for this… situation. But, I can tell you one thing.”

Dina wiped her face and searched Sam’s eyes. Hopefully her answer would solve all the problems in her life, hopefully her answer would be a to-do list, hopefully her answer would be easy to follow.

“Be happy.”

What?

What the fuck?

That was quite possibly the worst answer.

“Do what makes you happy.”

What made her happy? How was she supposed to know what that was? She wasn’t happy. She hadn’t been happy for a while. She’d tried. She’d tried to do everything right, tried to keep everything together, to care for her family and build a future for herself. What made her happy just didn’t work.

“I dunno how to do that.” Her voice cracked a little but she managed to hold it in. She was done crying.

Sam hugged her tight, “Dee, we can figure that out.” Dina hugged her back. Her heart was still heavy and dark thoughts still swirled in her head but at least now she knew that Sam had her back, that Sam wouldn’t treat her differently or hate her or feel disgusted by her. 

“You can’t tell anyone, ok?”

“I won’t, but… what’re you gunna do? Like, with Jesse and stuff?”

She sighed and rubbed her forehead, “Nothing. I’m going to do nothing. I just can’t.” She groaned and scratched her neck with more fervor. Sam pulled her hand away from her neck, “Hey, stop that.” Dina leant back on the couch and stared at the white ceiling. Little peeling paint and cracks. Imperfections that couldn’t be seen unless scrutinized by the observant eye. Like little spider webs. Dina bet that a good solid hit would make the plaster shatter, chunks of paint and ceiling raining down on them. She felt the urge to bring them down but that was out of the question. It would be gaudy, exposing the bare structure. It would anger a lot of people. It wasn’t worth it. No matter how much she wanted to. No matter how much she craved it.

“Don’t get all down in the dumps, ok?” Sam stuck her fingers into the edges of her downturned mouth and pulled up, “Turn that frown upside down!” Dina swatted her hands away and moved away from her on the couch, “Sam, what the fuck. Don’t put your dirty little German fingers in my mouth.” Sam cackled and pounced on her, pointed finger going for her mouth again. Dina managed to push her off, keeping her at a distance with socked feet on Sam’s back.

“Gee! Ok, she-hulk, quit bruising my tender back!” Dina let off and dropped her feet on her lap.

“Your feet stink.”

She pressed her foot to Sam’s chin.

“Ew!”

“Quit screaming and lets go to the store to get some baking powder.”

“Um? I’ve actually grown fond of our brick slab?”

Dina lolled her head, side to side, a small smile on her face, “Oh, sure, you can have it. Eat the whole thing.” Sam frowned and looked towards the brown slab. She didn’t look much too eager anymore. “Y’know what? I’m sure Andrew will enjoy it more than I will.”

“Oh, my god. You’re a horrible girlfriend.”

She smiled and threw her hair over her shoulder, “I make it up in other ways.”

“Gross.”

“You’re much grosser, stinky feet.”

They sat quietly for a little longer, Sam squeezing her feet for a second before starting the movie back up. Dina could hardly pay attention. Ellie was all she could think about. Ellie and the repercussions that came with wanting her. Ellie and the fact that she was a drug addict with a girlfriend. Ellie and the fact that her mother and Talia would sooner disown her than accept her deadly attraction. Ellie and the fact that Dina had a fucking boyfriend who was working his ass off at school and work to build a life for them. Ellie and the fact that wanting her would be her downfall. Just… Ellie.

The movie went on, horrible mechanical beasts sucking the little souls from even smaller rag-dolls. They lived in a post apocalyptic world, the remains of human conflict, among machines of war, among craters and crumpling buildings and decaying corpses. It made war seem like an unnecessary and cruel thing. What would Ellie think? What would her opinion on the movie be? What questions even ran through her mind? What was her opinion on just right about anything?

Dina died to know.

“You wanna order a pizza or something?” Sam played with the fingers under her socks, moving them about like little levers.

“Sam, we just ate a solid ten pounds of popcorn and twizzlers, how are you hungry right now? Better yet, how do you stay so thin?”

She shrugged and twirled a lock of blonde hair between her index finger, like a little fleshy iron curler. There was a shit eating grin on her face, “I dunno, maybe genetics, maybe my extreme exercise regime of sedentary nature, maybe… maybe it’s maybelline.”

“I’ll kick you out.”

“It’s literally my apartment.”

“I’m not kidding.”

She laughed and got up from the couch, walking to the kitchen, grabbing her phone, and dialing the local pizza shop. “The ushe?” Dina nodded and curled up on the couch.

She wondered what Ellie was up to, what she was doing, if she was hanging out with… Cat. If she was partaking in certain activities. She shivered, hot anger running up her spine and to the tips of her fingers. Best to get her mind off of that.

Ellie had a girlfriend.

Dina had a boyfriend.

End of discussion.

—-

“Look, it’s super simple, just spray with firm movements.” She smoothly created an arch of paint across the concrete canvas, “Like this.”

“This is fucking stupid. Why are we even doing this?” She’d found out that street art wasn’t something she was actually good at, and that frustrated her beyond belief. The paint ran and bleed all over the place and the colors mixed into a visually unpleasant hodge podge.

“Because I read that keeping your mind occupied helps with addiction.”

God, just hearing that word made her skin prickle.

Ellie threw the can on the ground and leaned on the wall. Cat tsked and pulled her by the arm, “Babe, I know they dropped you when you were a baby but leaning on wet paint isn’t too smart.” Ellie crowded into her space and kissed her, hard and firm and hot, on the lips. She could feet Cat smile against her affection, cupping the sides of her face. Ellie wrapped her arms against her midsection and waddled around until Cat’s back was to the wall. She kissed her more fervently and pushed her small body to the sticky wall.

Cat was too entranced with the kissing to notice, Ellie took her chance to wedge a leg between her thighs, applying pressure until Cat disconnected and let out a high whine. Ellie waited for her eyes to open before smiling a little, “Now who’s against a wet wall?”

Cat pushed her shoulders and stepped off the wall, turning around in a frantic circle, trying to see the mess on her back, “Ellie, what the fuck?!” Ellie just crossed her arms and laughed. She was feeling much better today. Her attention was precise, her mind was sharp, her face was warm, a million little rockets of fun coursed through her veins. She felt ecstasy. The world was ecstasy. She was ecstasy.

“You’re going to wash this mess. God!” And in a more quiet voice, “This was my favorite vest.” Ellie huffed and scratched at her chin, and then, more discreetly, at the bend of her elbow. She was wearing a hoodie. It was easier to hide it that way, but Cat saw her naked almost on a daily basis, and now that she knew what a fucked junkie she was, needle bruises would be harder to hide. The guy told her that between the toes worked, but if she didn’t want to deal with that hiding crap she could just stick to coke.

It was… it was hard.

And embarrassing.

But. But not having it was harder.

Not having it hurt more.

That week she’d promised Dina had only lasted til that night when the two parted. She’d laid her head down, closed her aching eyes for ten minutes at most when the memories came back. Then the eyes and pulsing bleeding flesh invaded her fucked brain. The dread. The fear. The horrible feeling of helplessness of not being able to control one's thoughts. She felt stuck in a loop of pain and her only reprieve came in the form of coke up her nostrils, alcohol down her gullet and whatever fucking opioid she could inject. It was having its effects on her, however. More than before. She had lost so much weight, her body wouldn’t let her take anything down, everything she tried to down would most likely resurface than stay. Her veins were collapsing and injecting was becoming extremely painful. It hurt not being high.

Ellie feared that her dependency was becoming too high.

She’d have to stick to the hooch and coke from then on. The needle was getting harder to hide and she couldn’t risk that. Andrew was starting to question her erratic mood and habits more than ever, and her wallet wasn’t staying too thick.

“Ellie? Baby, you’re zoning out.” Cat grabbed her hand and shook it a little. Ellie blinked and leant down to quickly kiss her mouth, “Sorry, just thinking.” Cat smiled and hugged her against her body, softly mouthing at her neck and playing with the strings of her hoodie, “Whatcha thinking about, hot stuff?”

Thinking ‘bout going back home to a solid line.

“You.”

That made Cat smile wider against her neck, a little nibble following soon, “Is this your way to seduce me into leaving?”

“Is it working?”

“No, now stop being a little tease and finish this mural up.” She once again pushed away and leant over to pick up a can.

Cat had decided that they should go on more proper dates, instead of just having sex at her place. One of her coveted and frequented spots was an old abandoned mill turned public graffiti spot. It wasn’t really licensed by the town but it wasn’t like the small town cops gave much of an actual shit to shut it down. As long as the youth kept their ineligible bubble letters and crude cocks to the inside of the mill and not on the streets of Jackson it was fine by them.

“It’s just not my thing.” She kicked at a nearby can and grumbled when Cat fixed her with a look. She picked it up and shook it about.

Cat’s piece was actually wonderful. A huge sprawling sequential scene of a gopher rising from the murky waters of early earth, slowly crawling into a hunched ape shape and then into a stylized caveman, knuckle dragging and all. The piece wasn’t finished and the stencils outlined the ending, homo sapien in hairy patches to homo erectus in a primly pressed suit to some horribly deformed goon covered in bulging tumors. Cat had said that she was trying to portray the inevitable in which man grew grotesque due to nuclear war. Her lines were crisp and clean and practiced, the colors bright and vibrant and then dark and sullen.

Ellie’s piece, on the other hand, wasn’t looking too hot. She’d planned on it being a moth. Not for some special reason deep in her heart, but because it seemed to be the only fucking thing her hands could actually create. She couldn’t draw the way she once did. Humans and animals, they haunted her. Their shapes were grotesque in subtle ways, their outlines offset by an inch but terrifying. And the eyes.

The eyes were the worst.

She couldn’t bring herself to draw them.

They came upon her. Gaze unwavering. Piercing straight into the mush of her core. Suffocating. Frightful. She feared seeing them, having to come face to face with them. She feared drawing their eyes and having her victims come to life, to pop from the parchment or Manila or concrete or whatever the fuck it was she was drawing on, and claw her to death. To grip her by the neck and extinguish her life, to make it last.

So she drew moths.

Because moths only saw light. And a moth couldn’t differentiate between a human being and the monster she was. To a moth she was just a dark obstacle to get around. A little hurdle in the way of a delicious shirt snack.

And still, despite being quite proficient in creating them on paper, she couldn’t do a damn thing on concrete. The lines were uneven and the whole thing was running, as if the insect itself were bleeding or melting.

“You’re not going to be a pro the first time you try something new, Ellie. I just brought you here to have fun.” Well, she wasn’t having much fun, and if she wasn’t pleasantly loopy she might be livid in anger.

“You brought me here to rub in just how good you are at this...shit.” She motioned to the walls, high and bright and littered with hundreds of creations. She was quite partial to the crude little chubs littered through the wall. Ellie felt an idea come to her. She stood up straight and beelined for Cat’s bag which was brimming with color.

She rummaged around until she found the brightest neon green and an even brighter neon fuchsia. Cat was too busy with her creation to pay much attention, her arms making little sweeping movements, filling in the color of her radiation monster. Ellie shook the can and as quickly and legibly as she could wrote the slogan on the wall. She extended her arms fully and took up as much space as possible, trying to avoid the actually competent graffiti. Soon, she outlined the green with the fuchsia and stood back to admire her art.

Cat bumped shoulders with her and motioned for Ellie’s attention, Ellie turned and watched her almost completed work, “It’s getting late and I won’t finish today.” Ellie nodded, not paying much attention. She grabbed Cat’s jaw and pointed her to the neon abomination.

“Skate fast, smoke grass, eat ass- Oh, my god. Ellie this is so fucking stupid.” She laughed and pinched between her brows. Ellie grinned and scratched her neck and chin. Cat looped a hand around her neck and stood on her tippy toes to press a sweet kiss to her mouth, before Ellie could crane down and deepen it, she pulled away and patted her hoodie, hand splayed, “What about lunch?”

She wasn’t really hungry. She never really was.

“I dunno, I’m not really hungry.”

Cat hummed and rested her head on Ellie’s shoulder. She was always sort of touchy, when they were alone anyway, but today she seemed a little too attached. “What about my place? I can make some Mac and cheese.” Just the idea of that goopy sloppy mess made Ellie gag internally. She’d never been a fan of Mac.

Honestly, she just wanted to go home. Lay on her couch and call Dina. She’d been pestering about FaceTime but Ellie’s flip phone was a couple generations too old for that, and she wasn’t entirely too sure how Dina would react to the news. “I kinda wanna go home. I’m tired.” The fire ants that crawled under her flesh told another story, but her droopy eyes covered for them.

That seemed to visibly upset Cat. She withdrew completely, crossing her arms and cocking her head to the side, a little pout on her mouth, “You can always stay the night with me, it’s not like you haven’t before.” Ellie felt her eye twitch.

“Your place isn’t the same as my place.” Her fingers curled and uncurled.

“Y’know, I’m starting to see a pattern here. You only stay over when you want to have sex. I literally have to drag you out to do anything but have sex. I don’t get you. Is that what you want from me? Just some bed bud?” She was frustrated, but her voice was even and her face didn’t betray her too much. She did look sad, however.

Ellie had to admit that anything Cat related was mostly carnal. It just felt wrong to do anything but.

Dina.

It was Dina.

Ellie wasn’t an idiot. The second she’d seen the flurry mess, bursting into that empty gas station, cutting her in line, she’d been intrigued. Stunned, even. Dina was ruining her, if she hadn’t already. It felt wrong to caress Cat and whisper sweet nothings and take her on dates when all she wanted to do was switch her out for that line-cutter. It was wrong. And she knew it. She knew it was wrong when she closed her eyes and willed her ears to hear Dina, she knew it was wrong when her hands wandered and flew over curves, cupping and squeezing and biting, only to be thinking of her friend.

Her straight friend.

Her friend who was dating and fucking her other friend.

Fucking Jesse who had asked Sam for her number so that they could chat late at night. Raving over comics, sparking that interest back into her. And there she was, fucking her own girlfriend but only thinking of Dina.

It made her sick.

But, she couldn’t just break it with Cat. What if she was her last chance at happiness? No one fucking liked her. Dina would never want her the way she did.

And… she just needed time. She needed time to get over Dina. She needed time to learn to love Cat. She was sweet and funny and straightforward with a no nonsense attitude. She was perfect.

“No. No, that’s not what I want but…” I’m falling in love with another woman and it hurts so much, “I’m just… fucked up.” Hopefully Cat understood.

She didn’t want to be alone.

Cat frowned and stomped towards her bag, zipping it up with unnecessary force and throwing it over her shoulder. Ellie watched her back, covered in paint, and felt dread. Not dread as in watching a loved one become disillusioned, but the dread that came when something was wrong. Not really going the way that she’d prefer. Inconveniencing her. She found herself not giving a fuck. She was angry.

Her fists balled up and her teeth grinded amongst each other, “What the fuck do you want from me?”

Cat paused and hiked her bag up higher, “No, you don’t get to ask me that. You need to figure out what the fuck you want. I care about you but I’m getting the impression that those feelings aren’t being reciprocated. Do you even like me?” Ellie eased her hands, the joints popping, the muscles in her jaw twitching. She wasn’t going to be left alone. Not again.

“Yes, I do.” She muttered, her eyes clenched.

She could hear Cat sigh.

“Please. I don’t want to fight.”

Cat sighed again, “Yeah. Ok. Let’s- let’s just go home.”

“Like, separately?”

Cat shrugged, “Yeah, isn’t that what you want?”

Yeah, it was, but it seemed like a trap to say so.

“Now I feel as if I say yes you’ll just get pissed.” She frowned and crossed her arms. This whole thing was just making her angry. What was Cat’s fucking deal? Here she was, taking her time to go on dates with her, not actively shoving her fingers into her, and she was grilling her about sex. Who the fuck cared?

It seemed that wasn’t the answer Cat wanted. She frowned further, delicate little brows wrinkling her forehead, she nodded once, “Ok, yeah, that’s fine. I bet you’re going to just go talk with Dina anyway.”

W- What?

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

She shoved the other bag strap over her shoulder, laughing in a not so humorous way, “It’s just that every time I see you, you’re either hanging out with Dina or talking to Dina. Every fucking time I ask Sam where you are or what you’re doing it’s all Dina. I feel like she knows more about you than I do!” 

Ellie kicked at the rubble of the abandoned ground floor, her eyes on her converse, “Is this what it’s about? Some stupid fucking jealousy thing?”

Cat borderline growled and pinched between her brows, her shoulders and jaw tense, “It’s not that. It’s that I barely fucking know you. You haven’t introduced me to Andrew for fucks sake, and he’s, like, your brother, all you do is bring him up. Hell, Sam told me you were in the Marines yesterday! Were you ever planning on telling me that?”

“No, why does it matter? I think this argument is fucking stupid, let’s just stop before we say something we regret.”

She looked up and stepped closer, a foot away, face stern and hurt, “Why do you like hanging out with Dina so much?”

What the fuck was going on with her? What had brought this up on her? It was making Ellie so fucking angry, her blood was boiling. Cat was so fragile, not just mentally but physically. Her little body could easily snap under her fingers. The idea of harming her was so prevalent and disgusting that it made her want to hurl as much as it made her want to enact upon it.

“This is stupid.”

“Just fucking answer.”

“What is your shitty deal-“

“Jesus, Ellie! Just answer the fucking question!”

“She’s funny and smart and she doesn’t make these fucking shows!” She uncrossed her arms and motioned wildly to the stiff Cat. Her stare hadn’t wavered. It seemed all they did was fight. Well, at least it’s what stuck with Ellie the most. She could admit that the good times were thoroughly ignored and heavily overshadowed by the fighting and drugs.

“What do you like about me?”

Well, lots of things. She was hot for one. Really attractive. Her face and skin and tattoos were stunning.

“I think you’re really fucking hot! Is that what you wanted to hear? We don’t have to fight if that's all you wanted to hear.” Again, her blood boiled, eye twitching and hands clenching, a horrible unease settling deep in her gut. She scratched the inside of her elbow through the material and stared Cat down. It felt as if she were doing something wrong. Her answer was wrong… in a way she couldn’t really pin down.

Cat’s eyes swam, her mouth hardening, and a red hue invading her face, be it in anger Ellie didn’t know. It just made her angry. So fucking what? She could cry, she didn’t fucking care.

“Is that it?”

Ellie threw her hands up, exasperated. She felt the can jostle in her pocket.

In a fit of petty anger she grit her teeth and grabbed the can, chucking it with all her strength against the wall, a loud crack reverberating through the room, green exploding all over. It sounded like a shot. Her brain rattled.

Cat gasped and stepped back, there was fear in her eyes. Ellie only watched, furious, her brain running on overdrive. Gunshots.

A round in the dark.

The explosive release of pressure. The hot heat of an overheating barrel. A distant flash from a villager's alcove. Bodies, thudding beside her.

God, no, please no. She could feel herself lose lucidity, her body shaking, face breaking out into a cold sweat, vision blurring, Cat standing there, anger slowly fading to confusion. Surely she could see her losing her fucking mind, her eyes growing more cold and distant than usual.

God no!

What if she hurt her? What if she killed her?

“Ellie?” Her voice trembled.

The wind and hot sand pelted the side of her face, heat waves around her obscuring her surroundings, “Get away from me.” She managed to mumble in warning before stumbling out of the building.

She hit right about every damn thing on the way out, bumping her hip on a hopper and cursing into the high ceiling. The outside was a pleasant reprieve from the stifling heat inside, but the rapidly moving vehicles only riled her up more.

She felt unsafe. Watched. Monitored. Under cross eyes. Her brain sat between iron scopes, her body was a target. These fucking animals were out to kill her and her fucking friends. God, no, please make them fucking stop!

They were all around her, eyes following her, she hurried along the streets, pushing the tribes men and women away from her. Quickly, otherwise they’d pull some shifty little string and blow her and her squad into smithereens. They’d kill Riley!

She couldn’t lose Riley. No, not her. Never her. She loved Riley so much. She wanted to spend forever with Riley.

Where was she? Had they taken her?! Had they taken her Riley?! Those fucking animals, fucking dirty savages, she’d skin and flay every last fucking one of them until they gave her back!

One of them came up behind her, grabbing her harshly by the shoulder and flipping her around, surely to pierce the vulnerable flesh of her belly with a curved blade, to eviscerate her and spill her warm blood on the sand below, down her trousers and boots. She wouldn’t let it happen.

She pulled back her right hand and landed a heavy hook to the savage. Her fist cracked and popped and zinged in pain. She howled and pulled away.

Red.

Bloody, vibrant, lively red covered their face. She spit on the ground, backing away, one hand going for the knife in her back pocket.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

That… that wasn’t Arabic. She blinked hard, her eyes burning.

God, she wasn’t in a desert village. She wasn’t in some deep hell hole in the middle of fucking nowhere Afghanistan but in the middle of fucking nowhere Wyoming. The streets were paved and kept and inhabited by Americans who spoke English and didn’t walk around in turbans or shawls or wear explosive vests.

The insurgent she’d almost gutted wasn’t some dark bearded man with killer eyes but some fat white middle aged man sporting a swelling eye.

She’d just punched some random man.

Her head whipped about, taking in the people crowding around her, coming to ogle the commotion. Mostly white, sporting sweaters and jeans and absolute fear and disgust and apprehension in their eyes. She looked back to the man who she’d knocked down. His eye was closed and a thin sliver of blood ran down his cheek. He had a hand raised over his head, as if to protect himself, a frown on his battered face, but Ellie could see how scared he was.

What had she done?

Who had she become?

She flipped the blade back into her pocket and backed up. The crowd murmured and watched her, a young tall man pushing forward, “Hey, you can’t just leave. You have to wait for the police.”

No.

No. No. No. No no no no nononononono.

Not the police.

She had to get away.

When she was younger, just when Joel had pulled her from the dangerous streets of Boston, she remembered the house back in Texas. It was a big ol’ ranch, acres upon acres of fat ass mammals just mowing grass. But, where the animals weren’t allowed, the weeds grew long and troublesome. The blades would cut into her bare legs and make a mess of her jeans. Joel would laugh at her when she’d stumble back into the house, legs a mess of thin little red lines.

He had a solution, of course. In the barn, hidden behind heavy bales, sat an ancient lawn mower. Enola Gay. Ellie thought it was funny, and asked him what was so ‘explosive’ about the machine, he’d just raised a brow and cranked the old thing, one, twice, thrice, til it shook and purred and violently convulsed. Turned out the darn thing was named after his late aunt, Enola Gay, who suffered from Parkinson’s, and not after a bomb. Ellie found that even more hilarious.

And, as she turned and twirled and her eyes anxiously flitted about the scene of her crime, she felt like Enola Gay, her body shaking and convulsing and not an inch still. Her heart rocked violently against her rib cage.

What had she done?

Ellie turned tail and ran down the street, pushing the villa- No. The townspeople, away from her, making as much clear path between her and a certain escape. Her ears buzzed and she could hear the shouts behind her. That tall idiot telling her they’d come for her, some babble bullshit about justice,, and the indignant grunts and curses of the people she bumped into.

Was she a monster?

Had she finally become what she’d always meant to be? Some violent fucked up junkie who was only good at killing?

Her feet slapped along the pavement, heavy breathing and huffing and harsh inhaling her only auditory companion as she hauled ass away. As far away from the truth as she possibly could get. His eyes were so fearful.

Their eyes were there.

Swimming and scared.

They stared right into her. Right into her disgusting core.

Her hand ached and she looked down to the bruised knuckles. Something was wrong with them. She tried moving them around and the pain made her seize the movement. She looked around and found herself among the old timey store fronts, still as if cowboys and outlaws walked among their swinging doors. She wasn’t sure where the fuck she really was, and her brain wasn’t too keen on focusing. Ellie marched over to an alleyway and leant her back on the cold proofed boards.

She felt like crying.

What if it had been Cat? What if she’d lost her Mind in that abandoned mill and beaten her to death? Would she have come to her senses? Did it even fucking matter? Ellie was a danger. She’d killed and killed and now she was living in a world that alienated her, she couldn’t adapt. Her life had once held a fucking purpose, now she had nothing but a crippling drug addiction and a broken hand.

She was a drug addict.

She was a drug addict and she could do anything about it.

Oh, god. What if it’d been Dina who she’d snapped on? Ellie didn’t know what she’d do then. Probably remember to take the safety off next time and try again. She slid down the wall and sat down on the cold concrete below.

What had she become? Why were so many things raping her fucking mind.

She fished around for her clunky little flip phone with her unbroken hand, punching in the fast dial.

It was selfish.

It was selfish to share the pain.

But, she didn’t want to hurt Dina. The idea pained her.

“Ellie?”

What could she say to drive home the point?

“I’m really messed up.” Her voice cracked and she felt an emotion long buried resurface.

“Ellie, what’re you talkin’ about?”

“I can’t stop doing things that are bad for me.”

“Good god, where are you?”

“I’m a drug addict infatuated with my best friend.” She chuckled sadly and rested her chin on her chest.

“Ellie, please.”

“I think I want to rest, Joel. I’m just so tired.”

“Don’t do anythin’ stupid, I’m comin’ over. Just, Ellie, please tell me where you are.” She could hear the fear, the frantic panic in his voice. It twisted at her innards and guts and ropey insides. Sinew and bone she’d become. Joel didn’t know. He didn’t know how much she wanted to truly die.

He didn’t know how much of a coward she was. How much she’d failed at the simple task. Her brain was a melted mess of tar and sinew and her face was but a tarp thrown over bone. Ellie was no longer. Ellie died in Afghanistan. Whoever inhabited her body and mind she did not know. So many scars, new and old and horrible. They were not Ellie.

Because Ellie died in Afghanistan.

Ellie died in Afghanistan with Riley.

Ellie died in Afghanistan with the rest of her squad. Ellie had been laid to rest and sprinkled over some pretty sight, her dark blood still staining the forgotten sand.

It made sense to her.

Because the real Ellie wasn’t this… monster.

Baby-killer, as they’d shouted at her when the plane landed. Or when she walked down the street in her uniform and people would sneer and shake their head. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. She’d done what was needed.

“I’m so sorry, Joel.”

“Kiddo, don’t do anything stupid, just tell me where you’re at.”

Boston hated her almost as much as she hated herself. And that was a hefty amount. Now, like an idiot, she was burning another bridge in Jackson.

“I’m, uh…” She could see a butcher shop from where she sat, “By a butcher. I just… I want to go home.”

“Don’t worry, kiddo. I’m comin’. How’d you end up there? Thought you were hangin’ out with Cat.”

Well, that wasn’t an easy question to answer. And she never was real good with responses anyway.

“I dunno.”

“Don’t matter, I’m on my way. Just stay where you’re at.” She could hear the motorcycle rev up. Man, it really sucked. It really fucking sucked.

“Ok.” She hung up and rested her head against the wall, looking up to the sky.

It was darkening, it’s dark orange hue slowly melting into a dark purple. No clouds. Crisp but not too cold. She blew a little cloud of hot air into the atmosphere. She wondered what Dina was up to. If she was joking with Sam back at the den. If her face crinkled in that beautiful way, her eyes sparkling and twinkling. Ellie was sure that anyone that even glanced at her fell in love. She was stunning and funny and carefree and- and… and, well, taken.

She sighed and banged her head against the wall.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair to love her. Not to Cat or Dina or Jesse or even herself.

In a way, Dina having someone else, in Dina being unavailable and impossible, she shielded herself from Ellie. Her unavailability to Ellie’s clutches saved her from the violent monster she was. Saved her from her addiction and her mind and the things she was capable of doing.

And, truly, Ellie was in love with her.

Love like she’d only felt once. And how good that did her. She didn’t even know where Riley was buried.

It just hurt.


	14. Flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I leave in less than a week so this’ll do. If I come back in 3 months y’all shall know I was victorious.

“Hey, Andrew. I, uh, don’t think that Ellie’s really introduced us before.”

Before her stood what she could only describe as a Viking. Andrew was tall and ruddy and stocky, arms the size of her thighs, and a messy short mop of blonde hair. His eyes were somehow lighter and brighter than Sam’s.

“Oh! Hey, Dina! Yeah, shit, what an asshole. She’s told me about you. Right about the only thing she really talks about.” He laughed and opened the door wider. It seemed he’d just woken, pajama pants and bunny slippers on his feet. Odd, since it was about two in the afternoon. They’d seen each other in passing, mostly. But Andrew seemed to be a big part of Ellie’s life. She talked about him in passing and whinged about him too. “You wanna come in?” He motioned in.

Dina shook her head, “Oh, no, don’t wanna intrude.” He just shook his head, big smile on his face, “Nah, don’t worry about it. C’mon in, got some hot milk on the pot.”

Hot milk? She stepped into the house nonetheless and followed Andrew's big form. It was Joel’s house, really, and the man had a certain taste. It felt like walking into some old western. Spacious and rustic with sceneries hung on the walls. It felt warm and homey.

“So, I’m guessing you’re here about that knucklehead?” He motioned for her to sit on the couch. She sat down, awkward and stiff like most did in a foreign home, and watched him sit on a couch, his tall body folding over, long legs like a table before his chest. Jesus, the guy was big.

“Uhm, yeah. We usually hang out on Fridays but she’s not picking up her phone. I got… worried.” It was an admission that sounded out of place. Like something she shouldn’t be saying out loud.

Andrew nodded, “Ah, so that’s where she gets off to. She’s actually at a, uh...meeting. She’s ‘sposed to go at least twice a week, but I guess she’s found better alternatives.” He chuckled a little and picked at the material of his pajama pants. 

“Meetings?” What, was she like some CEO or something? And Ellie didn’t really peg her as much of an HOA person.

Andrew seemed to struggle with himself. Twisting and turning the material of his trousers, face contorting as much as the material itself. Her scrunched his eyes up and rubbed his brows with his index fingers, “Uh, how- how much do you know about Ellie? Like, how much has she told you about herself?”

Oh.

This was something sensitive.

Something to do with her… issue.

“Well, I know that she has-“ What the fuck was the proper term to use for it? Drug addict? It sounded harsh, like some slur. “Substance abuse.” That still didn’t sound quite as good.

“Oh thank god. No, yeah, she’s at an AA meeting in town hall. It’s supposed to do her good but I don’t think she’s learned a damn thing. I love her but she can be so fucking stupid sometimes.” Her stood up and hurried over to the kitchen, like an overgrown kid, hopping about. Sam had an interesting taste in men. “She must like you a lot if she told you about that. I think Joel and I are, like, the only people that know. And even Joel is kind of in the dark about most of it.” Pots and pans banged about from the kitchen. Dina tapped a rhythm on her legs. She just wanted to see her.

“Joel dragged her to this one after she had a freak out yesterday.” He flopped back onto the couch, mug of, apparently, hot milk in one large hand. “Oh! I forgot, you want some?” She shook her head.

“What do you mean by freak out? Does it have to do with the Marines?” She wasn’t that stupid. PTSD was quite prevalent and she’d seen enough from Eugene to know that certain things could set them off. She just wasn’t sure how much Ellie had seen. Or what she’d done out there.

“Oh. That- uh, well, maybe- maybe you should ask her about it.” He took a sip, eyes staring at her over the rim of the cup.

“Do you know when she gets back?”

He looked down at a watch on his wrist, setting the cup on his knee, “It should be over in, like, thirty minutes.”

She sighed and nodded. Guess there wasn’t going to be an Ellie slot fixed to her schedule today. Dina was about to thank Andrew and excuse herself when he jumped a little, spilling a little of the cup's contents over his pants, a smile overtaking his face, unbothered, “Wait! Do you wanna see some pictures?”

Pictures? Of what? It seemed that her brief exposure to Andrew had painted him as over editable to her. He could be referring to some cutesy fucking cat pictures and she wasn’t really in the mood for that. Dina just wanted to see Ellie. To talk to her and just be around her. “I dunno, Andrew. I might just-“ He raises a hand and put the cup down on the floor beside the chair before running back into the kitchen.

He came back in a flash and vaulted over the couch, landing heavily beside her. Jesus holy shit.

“Look, it’s pictures of Ellie.”

Alright. She could stay a little longer.

He opened up his phone, no passcode, and flipped to a couple of pictures.

The enlarged on was of a group picture, all individuals standing, close around each other, making funny faces and gestures. All of them in marching uniforms, some with sleeves rolled up and helmets around them. Dina sported Ellie immediately, standing off to the side, flipping the camera the bird, a wide smile across her sunburnt face. Andrew, the tallest in the picture, mid thrust in the picture, right in the center. But Dina could hardly notice much else, she was fixated on this Ellie. She looked tired but happy. One of her cheeks was smudged in grease, but, most importantly, the hand hanging by her side was complete. “This was on our first deployment.”

“You guys were in the Marines together?”

“Oh, yeah. I went to San Diego and she went to Paris Island but we were pretty much inseparable. We met back in middle school.”

He swiped. The new picture was of Ellie wearing a completely different uniform. A wide brimmed white hat, short sleeved khaki shirt, and straight navy pants with a thin red line down the seam. She was smiling, flipping the bird, again, and being hugged by Joel. Another man with a blonde beard mid stride behind the both of them. She looked so young. Happier and fuller. “This was on graduation day.” She could see a number of women in the background in the same uniform.

They went over a number of pictures. Mostly of them in uniform in a bright desert. Dina noticed that the groups thinned down, a few new faces showing up before completely disappearing. Ellie started to look sadder swell. More gaunt and dirty. Eventually, her smile disappeared. Only a grimace present.

“Man, we spent, like, almost two years out there. It was hard, especially on her, but, sometimes, I miss it. And I think she does too.” Andrew shut down his phone. He had a downtrodden look to his face. Up close she could notice a healed scar on his temple, starting from the outer edge of his brow to the edge of his hair, disappearing into his blond locks.

The door opened and Dina whipped her head to see who entered. At first she only saw Joel, shedding his coat and placing it on the wall, before Ellie popped into view. She had a large brown coat on, a signature flannel below. She didn’t look too happy. “It’s my fucking day off, I shouldn’t have to go to those fucking meetings if I don’t fucking want too.”

“That’s three quarters in the swear jar.”

“Fuck the swear jar.”

“Four.”

“Fine.”

She hadn’t noticed her yet. Andrew jumped over the couch and met Joel with a bump before knocking into Ellie, “You heard the man, hand over the dough.” He grabbed a little jar by the counter, and shook its contents. It was thoroughly full, probably courtesy of Ellie and her potty mouth. Ellie pushed him away before snatching the jay away. She clinked some coins into the jar.

“Don’t forget to clean the sander today, I ain’t coverin’ for ya this time.”

She rolled her eyes, “I can do that tomorrow-“ and finally turned around to see Dina who, for the most part, had been sitting quietly through the whole thing. She gasped a little and then spun around, sharing a questioning glance with Andrew before smiling a little, “Hi.” She waved a little. Dina waved back and bit her lip to hide a blooming smile, “Hey.” They just seemed a little enthralled with each other, Dina just watching her and Ellie watching back just as much.

Joel cleared his throat and clapped Ellie on the back, hard. The sound and Ellie’s grimace broke the spell and Dina jumped a little. “I’ll be in the back with Andrew. If y’all, uh, need anythin’ just holler.” He grabbed Andrew by the back of the neck and dragged him away from the living room. Andrew protested, stating he wanted to ‘hang’ with Ellie but Joel just tugged harder until both of them were gone and Andrew’s whinging was but a distant mumble.

It was just her and Ellie.

Ellie and her.

Dina cleared her throat and got up from the couch. Ellie kept her eyes on her feet, brows raised, in that way that made her look confused. She scuffed her feet on the floor and fiddled with her hands, shrugging a little.

Dina frowned. She noticed the bandages on her hand. She walked over and grabbed her hand, bringing it up and turning it about, being gentle not to hurt her, “What happened this time?”

Ellie chuckled, her hot breath washing over Dina’s skin, “You should see the other guy.” Her hand curled around her own, squeezing lightly. Dina didn’t really know what overcame her but a burning urge to be closer but at her and she quickly wrapped her arms around Ellie.

Jesus fucking Christ. Every damn thing she did just made her fucking worry and wrapping her up in her arms felt so good but painful at the same time. She was all muscle and bone, the coat around her form hiding just how thin she was. Dina took a deep breath, inhaling her cologne and that underlying Ellie smell. She couldn’t explain it but by god was it addictive. “God, what’re you doing to me, Ellie Williams?” She felt secure hands wrap around her, Ellie squeezing her tightly. “I know. M’sorry.” Dina slowly pulled away, keeping her hands on Ellie, and stared at her sorrowful eyes, “Wanna hit the road?”

She offered Dina a small smile and a nod, motioning to the door with a jerk of the head.

“I’ll be back, Joel!” She hollered and opened the door for Dina.

“Alright, Freckles, where are you taking me this time?” Ellie opened the passenger door for her, deeply bowing after she sat down and buckled. Dina stuck her tongue out at her and closed the door.

Ellie opened the door and jumped in, shaking the car with her excited vigor, “Freckles? That hardly seems fair, you have a bunch too.” She turned the ignition and the car purred to life. Dina took in a deep breath and willed her erratic heart to calm. She hated cars so fucking much but in the world they lived in they were absolutely necessary. Sometimes it was easier to drive. Hell, sometimes she caught herself speeding and taking wild turns, but, other times, when she remembered that night, or when the rain came down hard, she found herself well below the speed limit, gripping the steering wheel. At least Ellie seemed like a good driver.

“You ok?”

Huh?

Ellie was staring at her.

She blinked.

“Yeah. Yeah- sorry. Just zoned out. Where are we going?”

Ellie scratched her chin and tapped a little tune on the steering wheel, “Uh, I dunno. We could go to the cinema? I heard there’s a new movie out.”

“Really? You mean to tell me this yee-yee ass town isn’t playing American Sniper back to back again?” Fucking Jackson was obsessed with that movie. It’d been out for years now and the dim witted locals could just not get enough. Dina didn’t understand the appeal. The movie was wildly depressing. How it evoked patriotism in people she didn’t understand. It just made her feel sorrow for the troops and the innocents caught in the middle of a war, it sure as hell did not make her want to pick up arms and shoot some kid.

“God, I fucking hate that movie. But, uh, no. They’re playing some scary movie. And- well, uh, I got some tickets.” She raised her hips a little and pulled out two white strips of crumpled paper. Dina smiled and took them from her hand, overtly conscious of the way their hands made contact and just how warm Ellie’s fingers were. Sue her for lingering.

“Ah, paranormal. The pinnacle of cinematography.” Dina laughed and waved the little papers about.

Ellie smiled and scoffed, “Don’t be a dick. C’mon, let’s go.”

She backed up into the street and they were off.

For the most part, Ellie seemed content with silence. Dina was very observant when it came to her, and unless prompted to, Ellie could sit quietly for hours. She seemed borderline curt and rude when interacting when people she didn’t know. It didn’t seem like something she actively meant to do, she was mostly in attentive to other people. And withdrawn. She wasn’t like that with Dina. And that just confused her so much. Was she the same way with Cat? Did they have easy flowing conversations?

Dina cleared her throat and looked out the window.

“How are things between you and Cat?”

Ellie scratched her chin and glanced at her, sighed, looked to the road, rubbed the back of her neck and stopped at the light. She struggled to answer, opening and closing her mouth.

“They’re… ok, just- Y’know? It’s ok. Just ok.” Her jaw was tense and set, hands gripping the steering wheel.

Dina didn’t know why she’d asked. For some reason she thought maybe Ellie wasn’t doing ok in her relationship and that made her sickly happy. Just thinking that things were tense and wrong made her feel like she might have a chance… at, well, being closer to her.

They drove in silence til Ellie parked them at the theater’s front. It was old and rustic, much like the rest of Jackson, with an old screening board fixed by hand. The blocky letters askew and, funnily enough, misspelled. Parenormal was a knee slapper. Dina laughed a little. Ellie turned to her, unbuckling, “What’s so funny?” Dina shook her head and stepped out, “The guy that works here must’ve never gone to a spelling bee before.”

They walked in and Ellie ordered a large tub of popcorn and two sodas, at an insane fucking prize, and walked to their screen room. It was mostly empty, just an old timer uncomfortably close to the screen and two teens sucking face all the way in the back. It was pretty deserted. Either from the small population, the time, or the fact that it wasn’t American Sniper, Dina didn’t know. Ellie sat them in the middle row, handing her the drink and tub of popcorn. The previews were uninteresting and a little boring. Mostly Amy Schumer trying to be funny.

“Y’know, my dad loved the cinema. When he came home he always took us to see whatever was on. Even if it was a movie we’d already seen.”

“Joel’s kinda the same. He’s so lame. It’s always Jurassic park with him or Monte Walsh.”

Dina laughed and swallowed down the popcorn in her throat, “Monte Walsh? Really? The one with Tom Selleck?”

Ellie groaned, “Yeah, the same. I swear, if he wasn’t straight they’d be married.”

“What? Ellie, Tom is straight too, and it’s not like they’ve ever met.”

She reached over and grabbed a handful, shoving the fistful into her mouth. Dina stuck her tongue out at her gross antics. Ellie shrugged, “They met back when Joel was young at some movie screening.” She mumbled, mouth open and full of popcorn. Dina slightly slapped her shoulder, “Don’t be such a fucking animal and swallow before you talk.” Ellie grabbed her hand and kept her in place as she leaned over her personal space and masticated like a horse with a broken jaw.

“Ugh!” She could help but laugh, pushing at the girl leaning over her, “Fuck off, Ellie! You’re getting wet popcorn all over me!” The girl above her just leaned more of her weight over her, chewing louder, her strong jaw working over Dina’s cheek. It was wet and gross but it almost felt like a kiss.

And, for some fucking reason- some horrible lapse of judgement, Dina turned her head, just as Ellie closed her mouth, and heir closed mouths brushed together.

It was…

Well.

It was invigorating.

Electrifying.

Ellie’s mouth was warm and soft and a little chapped.

She leaned back an inch but didn’t move. Ellie hovered over her. Hot breath washing over Dina’s nose and mouth, her hand dragging up to Ellie’s neck, keeping her from going away. She could possibly die if she went away. Her heart was beating horribly in her chest, and in the dim lights of the theater she could see Ellie’s green eyes, wide and alert. Dina’s hands felt as she swallowed, the pulse under her thumb making her flesh jump. Time just seemed to stop for both of them.

Dina could smell and almost taste the traces of whiskey, her thump dragging up and down that pale flushed skin. Ellie’s hand let go of her wrist and jumped up to grip the underside of her jaw.

It was all ragged breath.

Harsh and fast and Dina felt like she couldn’t fucking blink or she’d wake up from that wonderful fucking nightmare.

And then Ellie squeezed her lightly and crashed down on her mouth again.

Hot and heavy and wet and desperate and so delicious and foreign and- ugh!

Dina wasn’t thinking. It felt as if she’d been possessed. Her brain had left her body. All common sense had left her. The only thing she understood was want and desire and she gripped the sides of Ellie’s face and swallowed her kisses and ministrations with her own mouth, their lips moving against each other, desperate and wanting and so right. It felt- it felt- well it felt like warm apple pie.

There was no other way that she could possibly describe it.

Her eyes were wretched closed and her hands gripped hard and her lips moved against Ellie. Hot heat and warm flesh and just feeling wonderful. Ellie was moving against her, her nose and chin bumping against her own now and then. She was eager.

Suddenly, Ellie pulled away, a wide crooked smile on her flushed face. She bit her lip and went in for seconds, kissing Dina more forcefully on the mouth.

But.

When she’d pulled away, when Dina saw her face, those happy green eyes, free of the complex sorrow that usually pooled in them, she came to the realization of what she was doing.

It was wrong.

Her skin burned with shame. The same unwashable shame that had washed over her body when thinking of Ellie, intertwined in her sheets, the same shame she felt when averting her eyes from certain women, the shame that came after she kissed Jenny-

She had to get out of there.

Ellie had taken her slack mouth and pecked it before moving down her neck, trailing hot wet kissed down her burning skin.

No no nononono.

Dina pushed her away, with a little too much force. Ellie landed back on her chair. Her face was flushed and lively, lips red and glossy.

Nonononono

She really had to get out of there.

“What’s wrong?”

What was wrong? Fucking everything! They shouldn’t be doing what they just fucking did! They shouldn’t be kissing when both of them were committed to other people! Dina had Jesse and Ellie had Cat and everything was just wrong! What would her mom think? Or Talia? Or Jesse? No, no no no, they couldn’t know.

Dina got up from the chair, popcorn spilling on the floor.

Ellie wasn’t smiling. Her face was twisted into concern and pain. It was too much.

“I- I have to go.”

—-

Things had been going so good.

She’d managed to actually eat a good breakfast and not hurl everything. Joel had dragged her to AA, sure, but it didn’t feel like the horrible chore it did sometimes. The meeting was manageable and George had gotten some stomach virus so the placeholder had let them go fifteen minutes early.

And, well, she was going to hang out with Dina. And what a pleasant fucking surprise it was to see her there, in Joel’s house, waiting for her.

Then it all went to shit.

Ellie didn’t know what happened. One moment they were goofing around in the darkness of the screen room and the next Dina had kissed her and it had felt fucking wonderful and- and then she just fucking left! She couldn’t wrap her tiny fucking brain around it! What was she supposed to even think? Was it something that she’d wanted? Yes, it really was. Ellie had been dreaming about, borderline fantasizing about it. And when it finally happened she felt ecstatic, over the fucking moon, but then Dina just went up and ran away.

She didn’t even finish the movie after that. Just waited ten minutes and went back to her garage.

“Joey, let’s meet up.”

“Fucking finally. Same place?”

“Yeah, and bring whatever you want.”

It was childish. In a way. To just banish her pain in such a destructive way, but sometimes it felt like the only way. No, it was the only way. Ellie was a fucked person no matter what she did or what she said. Every bridge she slaves over and built and nailed she inevitably burned. She ruined her body and her mind and her friendships and her love life. Cat didn’t deserve her as a girlfriend. Andrew didn’t deserve her as a sister. Jesse didn’t deserve her as a friend. Joel didn’t deserve her as a daughter. And. And Dina just didn’t deserve her. She’d taken advantage of her again. Her fucking brain had taken again. No matter what it was. Lives, money, love, trust… she fucking took it all.

Maybe if she was high enough she could actually kill herself.

Joel waved to her as she left and Andrew was too engrossed in a convo with Sam to pay her much mind.

The drive to the place wasn’t calming. Her mind just buzzed, static burning into her skull, hands clenched painfully around the steering wheel.

Joey was there. Like always.

A disgusting constant in her fucked up life.

She didn’t hear him. His mouth moved, the patchy skin around his mouth stretching and moving and formulating words but she didn’t care.

She shoved the wad of cash at him and weighed the pouch in one hand. It was enough.

It had to be.

—-

It was as if time didn’t exist.

Like always, it crescendoed and she went with it. Warm and safe and forbidden. Her skin and muscle did not exist, the bones in her weary body reduced to jelly. She saw the bright lights and the shadows but nothing else. It was as if she were looking through the eyes of a moth, her body free of any constraints, forever after that warmth, that light, the tiny sun that should not exist within small confines but that her brain could not explain. All it knew to do was to follow it, circle it. Even as her winds burned and singed and curled at the edges.

It was worth it. The pain. The deadly desire. Because the alternative was the darkness. She couldn’t navigate it. It was encompassing and horrifying and unknown and the fear of getting lost in its dark labyrinth was scarier than burning alive.

Follow the light.

It was ingrained in her brain and mind and soul. It was instinct to follow it. Millions of years of evolution that coursed through her veins to follow the brightest of lights and warmth.

It burned.

It was horrible. Her wings charred and lit aflame. But her vision less eyes only saw one thing, and it shielded her from the darkness.

So she followed the light.


End file.
